Sorry, had to throw a little Whedonism in there. It just fits.
I am so tense lately. Tense to the point where I feel like I'm going to lose it. Since about the age of 18 I've been a pretty high strung person. It used to be that I fed on the nervous energy; it helped me stay on my game, so to speak. Now, not so much. It seems when I get anxious or tense, I shut down. Emotionally and physically. I find myself snapping at people around me. I know what I need to do, but I find myself unable to muster up the energy it takes to do it. I'm very listless, and I'm unsure of how to fix it.
It's been this way for a long time. Around a year now. At first, I just thought it was post-partum depression. Now? I think it's something more. I have a period of feeling great. I have energy, I sleep well, I have it together. I had a lot of that this spring, and a bit over the summer. But then I feel depressed and hopeless, really. I've tried upping my intake of fish oil to no avail. Part of me is considering going to the doctor, but the thought detests me. All a doctor does is give you a pill. A pill that doesn't make you feel better, it makes you unable to feel. Yes, I'll sleep. And that's probably all I need, is sleep.
All this tension is making me really doubt myself as far as school is concerned. Massage has lots of health benefits. Reduced tension and anxiety, and relief from insomnia are just a few. I've been getting two massages a week for the past six weeks. And I've felt none of those benefits. If nothing else, my anxiety, tension, and insomnia have all gotten worse. Tenfold worse. How can I tell people they should be getting massages to ensure these benefits when I'm having a hard time believing them because of lack of personal experience? I can't even relax during a massage, let alone general relaxation. Its making me doubt myself and doubt my (future) profession. And the doubt is even worse. Because if I don't believe in the benefits of massage how can I be a massage therapist?
I wonder if you haven't been able to receive the benefits of massage because you are a student, and its part of school, so there is automatically some sort of pressure associated with it. Its not like you are just able to zone out and enjoy it, you are supposed to be paying attention and learning from it. Not very relaxing...
ReplyDeleteI hadn't thought of that! I was in the class before, when I got pregnant with Reese and developed wrist problems that made me have to leave the program. I didn't have the problem of not relaxing then, but in the class we all spent our massage time talking and interacting. This class is much more focused, and nobody really talks during a massage. So there is automatically more pressure from the more serious environment. That's a really good point! I think to test it I should schedule myself a massage outside of class time. :)
ReplyDelete