Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sleep, wonderful sleep!

It's been a week since I went to the doctor and got my prescription for Ambien. She gave me 4 sample pills and the script for 30 more. I have taken three of them, and nyquil one night since two days later I came down with a bad cough. But, I've been sleeping. Sleeping well, in fact.

My skin is looking better, my mental clarity is returning, and overall I'm functioning better. Well, except for having the cough. But even being sick, I can tell my body is handling it better than usual. I got my nose pierced on Feb. 13th, and normally my body gets very angry when I get cartilage piercings. This one is healing great with none of the issues I had when I'd previously had it pierced (at a different high stress, little sleep time in my life).

I find even on the nights I don't take the medicine (I'm not the greatest at remembering pills), I fall asleep easier. I don't dread going to sleep anymore, and because I'm well rested I'm not as axious during the day, which makes it harder to sleep.

I started back to work at the portrait studio last Sunday. A different studio, but same company. I've been told I have to get my average sales up (I avereaged $67/sale over 3 sales; they expect $100/sale average), but that I am doing well. It didn't help that one of those sales involved an uncooperative 2 year old that punched me in the arm! I have the bruise to prove it- he was strong! Hopefully tomorrow night and this Sunday will go better for me. It's nice being back in the studio, though. I missed working with a 'real' camera. My Sony Cybershot just does not cut it after I've worked on a quality DSLR.

The only thing about work that I dislike, is, well, working. That sounds awful, doesn't it? I love my job, I find it very fufilling. But I already watch a friend's son during the week. And even though I'm working at most 8 hours a week, it just feels like yet another obligation. The babywearing group is having a mom's night in next Friday and I thought I had the night off, but just got told I may have to work it, and won't know until that morning. So I can't make definitive plans one way or the other. But, this is only temporary. Once my old co-worker gets full-time hours and I start watching her son, I'm leaving Sear's and will be at home with the girls (and my friends son's) full-time!

We're putting the girls back into the larger of the two non-master bedrooms. We had moved their beds to the smaller room so the larger could be a toyroom. But we're cutting out so many toys that it doesn't make sense anymore. So the smaller room will be my sewing and massage room and the bigger room will be a combined toy/bedroom. I'm getting a bookshelf for the toys. We have containers for different kinds of toys, and if they have more than will fit in the container, they have to downsize. But my oldest has discovered that if you downsize your beanie babies Mama will do fun things like make beanbag balls for you. She just won't tell you where the stuffing for the balls came from. ;)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The sick house...

that's where it feels like I'm living. We've all got various coughs, colds, sniffles, etc. And the baby has a raging, open, blister-y diaper rash from the combo of teething (bottom molars) and being sick. I'm trying to get as much garlic and vitamin C into all of us, and unfortunately the baby will be going into disposable diapers for a spell to allow us to use some stronger rash creams. Our dryer is broken right now anyway, it's too cold to hang things outside, and we can't keep up with her if we try to let things hang dry inside.

My husband acts worse than the kids when he is sick and is the one least likely to take a proactive step to get better. It's frustrating.

I caved in this week and went to see a doctor. It's been well over six months, probably closer to a year or so since I've slept longer than 3 hours at a time. I've been mentally and physically rundown so long that I don't remember what it feels like to be rested. The doctor gave me some AmbienCR to help get myself back on a better schedule. Three days later and I feel like a different person. Well, I would if I weren't sick, that is! I'm remembering things I was supposed to do long ago and never did. I feel horrible about some of them, too, and am spending this week righting those wrongs. Its like I'm coming out of a huge fog. And thankfully I am getting tired on my own now, so I am going to start weaning off of the Ambien. I'm hoping this allows me to be the woman I've been trying (and failing) to be.

In an effort to cut out as much refined sugar as possible, I picked up some Agave nectar from a local grocery store. I've never used it, but hoping it tastes good. I'm also trying Rice Milk for the first time in my effort to cut out dairy (but cheese is so good!!!! It's my one downfall in the dairy section) and soy.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Grr to the Argh

Sorry, had to throw a little Whedonism in there. It just fits.

I am so tense lately. Tense to the point where I feel like I'm going to lose it. Since about the age of 18 I've been a pretty high strung person. It used to be that I fed on the nervous energy; it helped me stay on my game, so to speak. Now, not so much. It seems when I get anxious or tense, I shut down. Emotionally and physically. I find myself snapping at people around me. I know what I need to do, but I find myself unable to muster up the energy it takes to do it. I'm very listless, and I'm unsure of how to fix it.

It's been this way for a long time. Around a year now. At first, I just thought it was post-partum depression. Now? I think it's something more. I have a period of feeling great. I have energy, I sleep well, I have it together. I had a lot of that this spring, and a bit over the summer. But then I feel depressed and hopeless, really. I've tried upping my intake of fish oil to no avail. Part of me is considering going to the doctor, but the thought detests me. All a doctor does is give you a pill. A pill that doesn't make you feel better, it makes you unable to feel. Yes, I'll sleep. And that's probably all I need, is sleep.

All this tension is making me really doubt myself as far as school is concerned. Massage has lots of health benefits. Reduced tension and anxiety, and relief from insomnia are just a few. I've been getting two massages a week for the past six weeks. And I've felt none of those benefits. If nothing else, my anxiety, tension, and insomnia have all gotten worse. Tenfold worse. How can I tell people they should be getting massages to ensure these benefits when I'm having a hard time believing them because of lack of personal experience? I can't even relax during a massage, let alone general relaxation. Its making me doubt myself and doubt my (future) profession. And the doubt is even worse. Because if I don't believe in the benefits of massage how can I be a massage therapist?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I've been eating so badly lately. Not even bad foods, though that's definitely part of it. But not enough foods. In fact, one good, hearty meal a day has been pretty amazing the past week or so. Which of course leads me to finding myself rundown, shaky, weak, and having a general "icky" feeling at the end of the day. So I'm on a mission to start eating better meals. And more of them!

This led DH and I to the grocery store tonight where he bought me a yummy steak for dinner. I haven't been getting enough protein, obviously, and the steaks I love were on special. So we splurged on steaks tonight. While there I wanted to pick up some hamburger buns for lentil sloppy joes and a loaf of bread. Which is odd, since I haven't bought bread in months. But I wanted a loaf anyway. I wound up not getting any bread or buns.

Why, you ask?

Because EVERY SINGLE LOAF I looked at in Hy-Vee's bread aisle had high fructose corn syrup! I used to not care about it at all. But especially since finding out it has mercury in it, I am trying to eliminate it from everything in our house. And it's the one "health kick" thing that I have DH's full support in. Although we're both hypocritical and drink Dr. Pepper with it in there. That's being replaced with brewed iced tea slowly but surely, though. We looked at a ton of different brands, and sure enough, half way through the ingredient list there it was. So I'm schlepping it over to the bread machine before I pour myself into bed and setting it up to have a loaf ready in the morning.

I am working hard on organizing and simplifying our home. My bathroom is now spotless. It's also the laundry room. A week ago the floor in there was covered in laundry from one end to the other! Our living room looks a lot better, too. We're selling things; just this week we've gotten rid of our old Playstation and a stroller. The organizing is harder than the getting rid of things. I think some things I've gotten rid of have been simply for lack of the willpower to organize!

Our toyroom and the girls' room are the last two I'm tackling. They SCARE me, lol. Toys just overwhelm me. If it were up to me, they'd have bare basics, and nice simple wooden toys. Budget and over zealous grandparents, however, prevent this. We have plenty of toys, and plenty of storage for said toys. But when it comes to what should be grouped with what, and where those things should go, I find myself clueless. I really need help with organization. The toyroom is the most obvious...but please if you come to visit stay out of the kitchen cabinets, too. ;)