Freedom.

The burn-out. It's not a pretty topic, not one that any of us mom's like to admit to feeling. But, I am there. And I have been for a while. It is just now, now that there's a light at the end of this pregnancy tunnel, that I feel like maybe the fog lifting is a real possibility. Let me explain.

2011 did not start well for our family. I'd just finished a very stressful season of working for the holidays part-time. This was as much out of necessity than anything else, and it was not something that our family was prepared well for. We did not cope well with mama being gone random hours during the day. I developed anxiety bad enough that I went on medication to help with the attacks. We took a trip to Oklahoma and Dallas in January to re-group as a family. It was a much needed vacation for us, and we came back ready to jump back into life.

Our then five year old wanted to try public school, so the Monday after we got back she started at the local elementary school. Her teacher was mine in first grade, a woman who I still cherish and adore for her understanding of my awkward six year old self who wanted to read books meant for far older kids rather than socialize on the playground. Three weeks later, it was obvious school was not working for her. She was grumpy. She was begging to never go back. She loved the teacher, she loved being with the kids. But it took her joy away when it came to learning. And she LOVES to learn. So, with a prayerful heart we pulled her. We decided to unschool that year, let her just get back to loving learning while she was still little.

February began with the passing of my grandfather. Shortly later, my husband was injured at work and had to take a month off. Both of these were setbacks to our routine, to our hearts. But we still were managing to settle into life with a family of five, finding our daily groove after floundering for months. The big girls had always loved their baby sister, but now at 11 months, she was able to join in the playing with them. Life was looking good for our little family.

Then came a surprise. Literally. We found out mid-March that we were expecting baby #4! Such a blessing, definitely. But, we were shocked to be pregnant so soon. I was still in the pit of nursing all night, dealing with postpartum anxiety, and didn't I just have a baby!?!? But we were excited, nonetheless. Until a week later when I found out I needed to abruptly stop my anxiety medication and the hyperemesis gravidarum set in. I was so sick that a couple nights I wound up taking my pillow and blanket into the bathroom and sleeping on the floor in there. Then I started getting panic attacks about getting sick, especially when out alone with all of the kids, since seeing mama sick scared especially the little ones. Only now I didn't have my medication that made me feel human again. And it turned out my anti-nausea medication, unlike when I took it with my oldest, was making my anxiety worse than it was otherwise. Not wanting to take any mood altering medications in the first trimester, I floundered. I did the most I could, but it was rarely enough, and we just tried to keep afloat from day to day. We lost our footing, for sure.

And, as with most tough pregnancies, that's where we've stayed. It's gotten easier. These past few weeks that I've been seeing a chiropractor for the SPD, it hasn't been as debilitating. But third trimester exhaustion and the return of hyperemesis have offset that improvement. I've realized, I can't do this again. Not for a while. When I got pregnant I was just getting back to normal after months of postpartum anxiety. Now I have dealt with months of not just anxiety, but hyperemesis and pain.

NOTHING will change the fact that this baby is a blessing. That our family will love this baby and they will be cherished and adored. But, after a serious round of talking, and a lot of prayer my husband and I have decided that we have to make sure no more babies for a while. We neither one feel done. But I feel done for now. I have mama burn-out. I haven't been able to be the mother, the wife, the WOMAN, the ME that I feel God calling me to be. I feel called to be so much more than I am right now. To be so much more present that what I am able to be. So the decision has been made that there will be no babies for at least 3 years.

And knowing that won't be something to think (worry?) about, I feel...free. Freedom in getting to enjoy and chase a toddler without that familiar pull of round ligament pain. Freedom to nurse my toddler without worrying about painful nursing from pregnancy hormones. Freedom to go to school for my CNA and work overnights to honor the part of me that isn't just a mama, but a person as well. Freedom to look at taking some photography courses as a real possibility and not just a dream because they don't fall into my schedule of pumping or due dates. Freedom to take my doula training. Freedom to look at the four souls God has given my husband and I to guide and teach and learn from and soak them up and rejoice in them. Freedom to find myself as His child again, which is where the real freedom comes from, isn't it?

You keep moving on...

Wednesday began like any other day. My husband had unexpectedly had Monday and Tuesday off of work, so he was going back after a long weekend. It was a bad day, as far as my pain levels were concerned. I took the two little girls to their dentist appointments, and came home to let Lucy nap before my chiropractor appointment. In there the husband left for work and when we got home before supper it was movie and rest time, as mama needs a LOT of rest after the chiropractor these days. Those SPD and fractured tailbone adjustments are no joke and take a lot out of an already tired body!

Around bedtime, my husband walked in the door. He's not usually home on Wednesdays until 1am or so, and I was pretty sure bedtime hadn't taken that long! (It hadn't. It was 9pm.) He was upset and told me he had lost his job. Talk about unexpected! After the initial shock wore off, though, we began to plan.

He found a job to apply to the next day, and we have a couple more he'll apply for this upcoming week. The job he applied for Thursday told him they'll be calling interviewees back on Monday and Tuesday, and he saw the words "Looks good for an interview" written on his application. This job has less and better hours, benefits, the same pay, and due to the type of work, it would come with a much higher level of job satisfaction. We're praying and hoping that this is the direction God is leading him to, but know that in today's world getting a job so quickly and it being the first job you apply for is not very common and are realistic that this may not be it.

We both believe that life is what you make it. That attitude can make a situation bearable or miserable. And we have faith that God won't give us more than we can handle. So why choose to feel miserable about it? He'd been unhappy in his job for a while now. And it began to affect things at home. He was bringing that unhappiness home with him unintentionally, taking longer to unwind and decompress from work, etc. We knew that it was time for a change, but neither of us wanted to think about making yet another change with a baby on the way and all the other things our family has gone through in 2011. We think maybe this is God's way of pushing us to make that change, and have faith that only good will come from this challenge.

Long time, no post.

I'm up right now, alone. Everyone else has given up their insomniatic ways. For a while, I joined them. But, being 27 weeks pregnant has its way of making that insomnia creep back up on you!



I'm listening to eggs tap-tap-tapping as they boil in the pan. I'm suddenly craving sweets, so am trying to up my protein intake. Needing protein makes sense to me, since my morning sickness returned about 2 weeks ago. Meat is pretty unappealing, so are a lot of eggs (egg salad sounds good, though), and one can only eat so many PB&Js before those become nauseating, too!

This pregnancy has brought a LOT of depression with it. I am assuming it has a lot to do with everything that has happened in the six (AH!) months since I've updated. There are a laundry list of bad things that have happened. But to list them would undermine the GOOD things that happened as well. Getting to see good friends. Playing in autumn leaves. Feeling baby kicks. Seeing my oldest's face light up when she feels the baby kick. A two year old hugging and kissing my belly and singing to her little sister (yes, we're getting blessed with another girl!). That same two year old, when NOT feeling baby kick, pushing on my belly yelling "WAKEY! WAKEY!" Embraces from those I love.

I've had to come to terms with giving up on massage school. At least for now, it's the right thing to do. I have lost my desire to fight. Maybe, after my wrist gets fixed (via surgery or other means), I will feel that pull on my heart again. Lord knows massage is still a big part of me. But I feel God bringing me to nursing school. I'm going to go talk to a local LPN program about enrolling. This is scary. Nursing has help appeal with me, but its always been scary, something I am not passionate about. To a certain extent, I'm still not. But I feel that that this is where God wants me. Out of my comfort zone. So I'm jumping off this cliff with my eyes closed and my heart full of prayers and faith and praying it goes well!

I am giving my two weeks notice at my part-time job tomorrow. I am in my third trimester and am finding myself needed to nest and be close to my family as much as possible. So I am looking forward to 2.5-3 months of crocheting, washing diapers, renovating the bathroom to put in our deeper bathtub before the birth, painting and decorating the house. All the wonderfully typical nesting things.

I am prayerfully trying to learn to become more present in my surroundings. I am always worrying over something, or dreaming of the future rather than learning to be happy in the present and in the moment I am in. I blame where I live for my unhappiness, and have my entire life. I've spent 20 years making plans to get out of this place. But...here I am. And God has a reason for me still being here. My job is to learn that reason and learn to be happy in Him no matter where I am physically.

It's why a lot of my nesting involves fixing the house up. I've been reluctant to do so because of my desire to get out of here. But having a home I feel cozy in makes me happy. So I am putting up pictures, decorating, and making this house a HOME. This excites me.

There is a turning point in our family. I feel it coming up. And I am not scared about it. I feel God's hand in it all. This excites me. It energizes me, and makes me feel like I can handle ANYTHING. I am interested to see what the future holds.

Life, like always, is rapid, fast-paced, and hectic. And I am learning to love each minute of it for what it is, not what I would like it to be.

Friday my parents' 31 year marriage officially came to an end. It had been over since December of last year, on their 31 year anniversary to be exact. I am grateful that the process is behind our family, and hopeful that I can start rebuilding my relationship with my parents as individuals instead of as a part of our family unit. Especially my dad. My mother and I have always been extremely close. My dad worked nights and wasn't around when he was home, so in many ways my life was similar to that of a child raised by a single mother.

My dad and I have had a strained relationship for most of my life. We never spent quality time together when I was growing up, and it was like living in the house with a stranger most of the time. I have, however, always respected the fact that he worked so hard to provide a good home life for our family. And when my mom's parents were dying, my dad was right there at their bedsides helping to care for them. I will always, always have tremendous respect for him for that. To use a popular term, he really "manned up" at that time. Then there are things about him that I cannot respect. But, there is always love there. And I feel that as sad as divorce is, it will give him and I a chance to start our father/daughter relationship over. I hope it will.

Last week I also was seen for my wrist. The pain was getting worse, and especially the numbness in my last two fingers. There are times where the pain is absolutely unbearable. Times that makes this natural-birthing mama want a wrist epidural if such a thing were to exist! My orthopedic doctor has me wearing a cast-like splint to bed for a couple of weeks to see if it helps release a nerve. If that doesn't work we'll look at other treatment options, up to and possibly including surgery.

Of course, with this going on, I haven't been able to do massages. And I was scheduled to start a hands-on massage class July 6th. One that included learning a 90 minute massage. If trying to give my husband a simple Swedish back massage can reduce me to tears, a 90 minute full body massage will definitely leave me doubled over in pain. So, with lots of prayers, lots of trepidation, and a giant leap of faith I made the painful decision to leave massage school. Whether this is a permanent thing or not is something that is only known by the Savior, and will be revealed to me when the time is right.

Now that I am not in massage school, I needed to figure out what I was going to do. I got my job back at the portrait studio. The studio location that I was originally at and that I adore working at. I am planning on beginning classes for a nursing program in the fall. I'd always intended on becoming a midwife sometime after massage school, so that just got moved up.

Things are changing, and I'm not usually good with changes. There has been a lot of prayer and a lot of faith going on to get me here. Now it's just waiting to see what these changes mean in the long term.

God is in the...cardio!?!?!

I am currently enrolled in an Exercise Training course through my school. This is a required course, and involves around 2-2.5 hours in a local gym twice a week. The breakdown winds up being 30 minutes cardio, around and hour and a half weight training (working in pairs, so it takes longer), and 30 minutes hydro work (hot tub/pool exercise/steam room). I barely made it out of the first class, our pre-fitness test, alive. However, I wasn't quite as sore afterwards as I had expected.

I finished the second class tonight. It was wonderful! I love exercising, but have always lacked the motivation to get started. So, being "forced" to do it is really great for me. Its also some time where I really get to just dive inside of myself. As a busy mom, I so rarely get that opportunity.

Tonight I was on the elliptical machine (oh, how I love those things!), and was planning on listening to my mp3 player. The battery died after one song. I saw Michael J. Fox on CNN so instantly tried to plug in to hear his interview (my dad has Parkinson's, so I am always interested when MJF is on TV speaking about new research, etc). My receiver on the machine was very static-y and giving me a headache as I tried to listen. So, I found myself doing something I so rarely do.

I unplugged. I had no cell phone, no internet, no TV. Nothing around me for 30 glorious minutes. I just listened to myself. And I found myself reflecting on the Holy Week. The gift of salvation. The pain Christ endured to pay for MY sins. For all of our sins. I prayed a little. But mostly? Mostly I just worked out in peaceful silence, basking in His peaceful presence.

I realize that this is always there for me. He is always there for me. But I've decided that rather than always listening to my exercise playlist (I am going to be working out 7 days/week), I am downloading some bible passages and lessons to listen to. Its one of the rare peaceful moments I get, and I'm going to enjoy getting closer to the Father during that time.

Lately, I feel like I've been completely torn between the world I live in and the world I desire to live in. A world that is simple, a world from long ago. I am sitting here, watching a DVD on my laptop, writing in this blog while an oil lamp (homemade with a wick, mason jar, and oil) lights the living room. What an odd picture!

I have a pretty normal suburban life. House, dogs, kids, etc. We have the flat screen TV and the PS3, computers, mp3 players, the works. But while I enjoy the luxuries I have, I strive for simpler times. I enjoy things like baking my own bread, hanging laundry on the line (not doing dishes; I am looking forward to the dishwasher getting installed!). I look forward to expanding this into learning to sew so I can make things we need around the house. Growing our own food, raising chickens, and reducing our dependence on commercial products are all things I strive to do. I have given up commercial body soaps and shampoos/conditioners. I am planting a garden, though it's survival is still questionable as my thumb has proven to be more black than green in the past!

I've started reading my bible again. Oh, does it feel great to get back into the Word of God! It's amazing how when I am right with God, the rest of life seems to fall into place a little better. I feel a little lighter. My burdens aren't necessarily gone, but I am comforted knowing they are not mine alone and that I have a Savior watching over me. And I feel that He is a part of the changes I desire. That He is calling our family to living with a goal of simplicity and sustainability.

And while I would ultimately love the idea of an off-grid life. I know that's not necessarily what my husband wants. So while spending time with the Lord, and I relearning all the things the pastor discussed with us before we were married. That marriage includes the marrying of dreams and plans. And that, while my dreams are relevant, ultimately it is Kelton's decision the direction our family heads. While this doesn't play well to my incredibly large stubborn streak, it has been a relief. I tend to feel that ALL of the responsibility in the world is mine, and bear full weight of any burdens. Knowing that God Himself has said that no, it isn't that way, gives me permission to relax and defer to the head of the household.

That was something I struggled with when we were getting married. The idea of submission. I looked at it as caving in. Constantly fufilling the whims and desires of the husband while mine were on a backburner. How wrong I was! In reality, we have a very equal marriage. At least in my opinion. We work together to make all the decisions in the house. It just happens to be that if there is an area we cannot come to a compromise on (and I can only think of one in the almost six years of marriage), that the ultimate decision rests with Kelton. As much as I submit to him, he respects me and looks to me to help make the decisions that affect our family. Most of the parenting decisions have been solely mine; or at least doing the research that has gone into those decisions. The daily running of the household is my responsibility as well. But I know if I need his help, he is there to provide assistance and guidance.

Not really sure where I'm going with this, just wanted to share some recent discoveries.

Lessons from my toddler.

My husband had the girls in their room playing earlier tonight. I didn't know it, but he'd fallen asleep. He hadn't had any sleep in around 30 hours, so I guess I should have anticipated it. All of a sudden, A-L, my 3 year old, came out. She had my black eyeliner drawn all around her eyes like a racoon. I got upset with her; she's drawn all over furniture with my make-up before and we'd made it clean that she was not to mess with mama's makeup. I led her into the bathroom to wash her face.

As we walked into the bathroom, I saw it. Blonde wisps of hair. From one end of the bathroom to the other. I looked at her again, looking past the eyeliner. Her beautiful bangs were gone! The hair on the side of her face was much shorter and jagged. One spot in the back is cut within an inch of her scalp. After I finished crying, I got her out of her room and talked to her. We managed to make a bob, but I'm taking her to the salon tomorrow to ask them what they can do to make it look best both now, and as it grows out.

This is the sixth or seventh time that she's cut her hair. We hide scissors, put them up high. It never fails, she will find a way to get them. I get so, so frustrated with her. I mean, she knows what she should do, why is it so hard for her to do it???

Then, it hit me. I am JUST like her. I am, as a daughter of the King, just like a defiant three year old! God gives me the 'rules', he loves me and has given me the tools I need to obey him. Yet, though I know I shouldn't do something, I still do it. Every time I curse, every time I get frustrated and yell at my toddler or snap at my husband or parents, I'm just like a three year old cutting her hair when mama has told her not to.

And just like I still love my daughter and will continue to try and guide her towards appropriate behavior, God will do the same for me. He will always love me, He will always give me the tools I need to live in a way that is pleasing to Him, and He will always forgive me my mistakes. So, even now, when I'm at a point where I feel so disconnected from Him and am struggling to find my way back to a place where I feel filled with His grace and His presence, I am reminded that I am always loved. And He will always be waiting for me to "put the scissors down" and run back into His arms. Amazing the lessons a defiant toddler can teach us when we're willing to listen.

Speaking of...I better go find another hiding spot for the scissors. I'm thinking the top of the fridge may just work.