Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 2: Guilt

Guilt. It is a feeling familiar to those who are married to someone with a chronic condition. So. Much. Guilt. You feel guilty that they miss out on things that you know they would enjoy doing with the family. You feel guilty that you still need their help when they need to do nothing some days. Guilt for feeling resentful or angry at their condition, even though you know they feel the same. Guilt for considering it tour fight too, when they have to fight so much harder and be so much stronger than you to make it through the worst times. Guilty for being frustrated in the new and tumultuous dual role of spouse and caregiver. And worst of all, you feel guilty for being well (because both of you being in pain and/or suffering is somehow so much better).

I just want to take a second to shout what I hope you already know: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! Absolutely nothing. All the emotions above are normal. Feeling guilty is, too.

You feel a bit like a single parent, but with the frustration of having a partner still in the home. The maddening thing is that you remember the helpful person they can be and a part of you never let's go of that expectation of helpfulness. Even if your rational brain knows they can't do something, you see them there and your subconscious doesn't see their limitations, just that you're handling way more than they are.

The hardest guilt for me has been feeling guilty about my anger. When my husband lost his first of two jobs his condition has cost him, there was a bogus reason, but we both believe it was due to the decline in performance due to his pain. For a long time I didn't allow myself anger about any of it. Then, I let myself get upset at his employer. The reason he was let go was ludicrous and they should be ashamed! And I felt a bit better. Then I let myself feel angry at the condition. And I am still angry that the doctors don't/can't/won't help him.

Today I let myself feel a different kind of angry. Today I was angry at him. I was angry that he never filed for short term disability when things got bad and instead tried to push through and provide for us. That got us really far. As soon as I admitted that anger, I instantly felt guilty. He worked his butt off until he couldn't anymore. He is in pain and this isn't a choice he made. He isn't lazy, isn't trying to freeload. He helps every time he can as much.as he can. What right did I have to be angry at him?!?

Then it hit me. I had EVERY right. Because I do not feel this way all the time. I do not berate him or judge him or try to make him feel bad because of his condition. But I am battling it too. And it will take its toll on me mentally instead of physically. If I try to push these feelings away out of guilt, they will only fester. I have to be okay releasing them so they don't hold any power over me, over him, or over us.

There's a lot you give up to take care of a spouse, especially on the bad days. That's for another post. Perhaps, we need to give up one more thing. The guilt. Give it up and respect that you have the right to feel that way, and by acknowledging the feelings you can prevent things from boiling under the surface.

Lately, I feel like I've been completely torn between the world I live in and the world I desire to live in. A world that is simple, a world from long ago. I am sitting here, watching a DVD on my laptop, writing in this blog while an oil lamp (homemade with a wick, mason jar, and oil) lights the living room. What an odd picture!

I have a pretty normal suburban life. House, dogs, kids, etc. We have the flat screen TV and the PS3, computers, mp3 players, the works. But while I enjoy the luxuries I have, I strive for simpler times. I enjoy things like baking my own bread, hanging laundry on the line (not doing dishes; I am looking forward to the dishwasher getting installed!). I look forward to expanding this into learning to sew so I can make things we need around the house. Growing our own food, raising chickens, and reducing our dependence on commercial products are all things I strive to do. I have given up commercial body soaps and shampoos/conditioners. I am planting a garden, though it's survival is still questionable as my thumb has proven to be more black than green in the past!

I've started reading my bible again. Oh, does it feel great to get back into the Word of God! It's amazing how when I am right with God, the rest of life seems to fall into place a little better. I feel a little lighter. My burdens aren't necessarily gone, but I am comforted knowing they are not mine alone and that I have a Savior watching over me. And I feel that He is a part of the changes I desire. That He is calling our family to living with a goal of simplicity and sustainability.

And while I would ultimately love the idea of an off-grid life. I know that's not necessarily what my husband wants. So while spending time with the Lord, and I relearning all the things the pastor discussed with us before we were married. That marriage includes the marrying of dreams and plans. And that, while my dreams are relevant, ultimately it is Kelton's decision the direction our family heads. While this doesn't play well to my incredibly large stubborn streak, it has been a relief. I tend to feel that ALL of the responsibility in the world is mine, and bear full weight of any burdens. Knowing that God Himself has said that no, it isn't that way, gives me permission to relax and defer to the head of the household.

That was something I struggled with when we were getting married. The idea of submission. I looked at it as caving in. Constantly fufilling the whims and desires of the husband while mine were on a backburner. How wrong I was! In reality, we have a very equal marriage. At least in my opinion. We work together to make all the decisions in the house. It just happens to be that if there is an area we cannot come to a compromise on (and I can only think of one in the almost six years of marriage), that the ultimate decision rests with Kelton. As much as I submit to him, he respects me and looks to me to help make the decisions that affect our family. Most of the parenting decisions have been solely mine; or at least doing the research that has gone into those decisions. The daily running of the household is my responsibility as well. But I know if I need his help, he is there to provide assistance and guidance.

Not really sure where I'm going with this, just wanted to share some recent discoveries.