On our way.

Today we had a follow up with our family doctor to discuss how the most recent pain medication change and the rather uneventful appointment with the neurosurgeon where he said he couldn't do anything. I think we were both anxious and were both a bit scared today. Just unsure of where things could go, what we were going to be told, that we were going to hit yet another dead end. Or at least what would feel like another dead end.

That isn't what happened. We got a referral to a pain clinic to discuss different treatment options, as well as the possibility of perhaps seeing if he is a candidate for a spinal cord stimulator. Our doctor is also conferring with a neurologist to see if they think a nerve conduction study can tell us anything new that we don't already know. Some medications were switched around yet again, but that's nothing new at this point.

All in all it was a rather uneventful visit. A bit of waiting for this and waiting for that. And maybe once we have those visits we will have a plan in place besides "wait and if this happens we do that." I will say, I am grateful we have the doctor we do. He is so amazing and great at explaining everything, working with Kelton, and really being part of a team with us versus just treating us like children and doling out rules to follow. In short he talks to us and with us, not at us. When you're dealing with something as frustrating as a trying to control chronic pain, the right provider can make all the difference in the world.

In seven weeks we move. To my Ga-Ga and Pa's old house. This house is probably the closest I've felt to a home in my entire life. I never liked my house as a kid. I was, and to an extent still am, convinced it was haunted. Maybe not by ghosts, but there is a very negative energy in that place. And I am not the only person who has lived there and felt it. But Ga-Ga and Pa's is just warm and happy memories of life with them. I've lived there before, in 2007 and 2008. It is a bit sad, but also good in a way. I'm excited to settle in and do some decorating and making it a home.

I will also start school soon. I'm doing both pre-requisites and other classes that boost my chances of being admitted to a local radiology technician program. I will apply next year to start in their fall 2013 class. I haven't been in any sort of school since 2009 when I left massage school for good. I am a bookworm. I am a learner. I love to learn. I live to learn. The idea of being in school again thrills me! I am already geeking out thinking of notes and books and studying.

We are enrolling Miss 6 year old into an online public school. Basically we are enrolling in another district in our state (I admit I don't even know WHERE in Iowa this town is!), and she will attend their online virtual academy. My husband and I are still her learning coaches, but now the work is submitted to the district and they take care of sending us curriculum, the testing, the official paperwork and all of that. It is a good compromise for us. In the meantime, we are still working on Hooked on Phonics. We've been doing Kindergarten, but she's made such leaps and bounds that we're looking at upping her to the First Grade curriculum soon. I'm so proud of her! The love of learning has clicked with her and watching her figure things out around her is so special. When we go to a restaurant I make her read the name of the dish she wants instead of pointing to the picture to tell me what she wants. And she does it! Seeing her face beaming with pride when she discovers a new word is just the best feeling.

Miss 4 year old, on the other hand, is a very frustrating pupil! She is always gogogogogogogo and can't just sit down for even 5 minutes to try to learn letters. At four she isn't able to recognize all of her letters or even tell you the sounds of all of them. Which is very different from her sister, who knew the letters but struggled putting them together. She has a huge vocabulary, far above most four year olds. She just has no interest in writing or anything else involving fine motor skills. We still get pages full of scribbles. It's definitely a struggle trying to figure out HOW to catch her attention, but it's a challenge I welcome.

Miss 1 year old is adding more and more words to her vocabulary each and every day. She understands more, too. And loves having a baby smaller than her to dote on. At 21 months she is starting to work on potty training. Lots of accidents (I will miss having all wood floors when we move for this reason), but she cleans up after herself, and knows it's an "oops."

Mr. Babyman is 2 months old. He was the grumpiest grump ever to grump, but after two weeks of chiropractic care he is now a smiling ball of happiness. He is really good at supporting his own weight on his belly and propping himself up on his arms. He loves his sisters, loves naked time, and loves it when we shake his legs back and forth. The kid smiles with his entire face. From forehead to chin, it is really over the top and so cute. We couldn't have asked for a better baby.

All in all, we don't know where life is headed. There are still quite a few big things up in the air and changes in the near future. But it feels like we are finally on an upswing. And that feels good.

Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 2: Guilt

Guilt. It is a feeling familiar to those who are married to someone with a chronic condition. So. Much. Guilt. You feel guilty that they miss out on things that you know they would enjoy doing with the family. You feel guilty that you still need their help when they need to do nothing some days. Guilt for feeling resentful or angry at their condition, even though you know they feel the same. Guilt for considering it tour fight too, when they have to fight so much harder and be so much stronger than you to make it through the worst times. Guilty for being frustrated in the new and tumultuous dual role of spouse and caregiver. And worst of all, you feel guilty for being well (because both of you being in pain and/or suffering is somehow so much better).

I just want to take a second to shout what I hope you already know: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! Absolutely nothing. All the emotions above are normal. Feeling guilty is, too.

You feel a bit like a single parent, but with the frustration of having a partner still in the home. The maddening thing is that you remember the helpful person they can be and a part of you never let's go of that expectation of helpfulness. Even if your rational brain knows they can't do something, you see them there and your subconscious doesn't see their limitations, just that you're handling way more than they are.

The hardest guilt for me has been feeling guilty about my anger. When my husband lost his first of two jobs his condition has cost him, there was a bogus reason, but we both believe it was due to the decline in performance due to his pain. For a long time I didn't allow myself anger about any of it. Then, I let myself get upset at his employer. The reason he was let go was ludicrous and they should be ashamed! And I felt a bit better. Then I let myself feel angry at the condition. And I am still angry that the doctors don't/can't/won't help him.

Today I let myself feel a different kind of angry. Today I was angry at him. I was angry that he never filed for short term disability when things got bad and instead tried to push through and provide for us. That got us really far. As soon as I admitted that anger, I instantly felt guilty. He worked his butt off until he couldn't anymore. He is in pain and this isn't a choice he made. He isn't lazy, isn't trying to freeload. He helps every time he can as much.as he can. What right did I have to be angry at him?!?

Then it hit me. I had EVERY right. Because I do not feel this way all the time. I do not berate him or judge him or try to make him feel bad because of his condition. But I am battling it too. And it will take its toll on me mentally instead of physically. If I try to push these feelings away out of guilt, they will only fester. I have to be okay releasing them so they don't hold any power over me, over him, or over us.

There's a lot you give up to take care of a spouse, especially on the bad days. That's for another post. Perhaps, we need to give up one more thing. The guilt. Give it up and respect that you have the right to feel that way, and by acknowledging the feelings you can prevent things from boiling under the surface.

Parenting through the pain...

This pregnancy, over half way done with, has just reach the point where I feel anything that could even remotely be described as "comfortable." I'm not saying this to complain. Sure, I do my fair share of whining, I know I do! But, I really do love being pregnant. What a gift we as women have been given. To be charged with the task of growing, nourishing, caring for, and birthing new life! Yes, God certainly shows us His love in being charged with something so amazing, rewarding, and awesome!

However, since March, I've been dealing with hyperemesis. Hyperemesis is nausea and vomiting that results in at least 5% weight loss in the woman affected. I lost between 5-10% of my pre-pregnancy weight and am just now at a +1 lb for this pregnancy. Twice I found myself in the ER for IV fluids, and if I weren't so stubborn, I should have gone in more than that! Most days, getting out of bed was a huge task, managing to care for and feed the kids made me feel like a superhero! I'd be embarrassed to admit how much convenience food and TV has played a part in our lives these past 4 months.

Along with that, my anxiety disorder has been exaggerated by the pregnancy. Thankfully, once I was out of the first trimester, my doctor and I were able to work together and find a drug that helped. Not as much as my non-pregnant anxiety medication, but it does work. And I switched nausea medications as well, since a side effect of the one I was on is increased anxiety levels. The combination worked! I still have days where I need my medication, but in general I'm just fine without anything but maybe a few deep breaths here and there.

This past month, the flood has made the humidity worse. And combined with the warmest (who are we kidding? It is just downright HOT!) summer in recent memory, my asthma just isn't handling it well. When I got to the point this week where I was calling the doctor considering a second ER visit within a week because my rescue medication wasn't working, I knew things had to change. I'm now on two daily preventative medications. Singulair and an inhaled corticosteroid, Flovent.

Needless to say, I've been largely out of commission. I have barely seen friends, I haven't even really seen family all that much! We haven't done most of the usual activities we do in the summer. Trips to the zoo, picnics at the park, going fishing, etc. This spring and summer has seen us mostly housebound. Which is not at all the normal way of things for the girls and I. We're very go-go-go kind of people!

Thankfully, at home, I have my awesome husband to help out. But, he's got his own chronic health issues which have been plaguing him for about 15 months now. He's in constant pain, and while he manages to do what needs done, like me he's been just handling the basics. There are only two days a week where he's working in the mornings. On those five other days, we switch off getting up with the kids and sleeping in. Well, he sleeps in. I generally am unable to fall asleep after the kids are up anyway, but getting to just lay in bed in the dark quiet is like a vacation sometimes!

The hardest part isn't the physical toll our health issues have taken on either of us. It's been the fact that we can't be the parents we normally are! We both hate feeling like we're sitting on the sidelines, watching the kids play and grow and not being able to actively participate like we are so used to. We watch them ride their bikes up and down the street instead of my husband riding bikes with them. Trips to the park involve driving there and sitting at the picnic tables versus walking there and playing with them.

It affects them, too. How can it not? It means extra nights with grandparents, when mom and dad are too sick to give them everything they need. And while their grandparents are happy to help and they love the kids and the kids love them, it isn't the same. Then we get the "grandparent detox" when they come home. Which means the first 24-36 hours at home are spent easing back into home rules, and there is a lot of frustration and misbehavior involved. It isn't anybody's fault (not entirely, at least), but just a fact.

The past week or two they've been spending more nights away than usual. A two day trip to the amusement park (which we couldn't have done. Humidity, walking all over, being in the pool all evening, it would've taken all we had out of both of us!), spending the night when my asthma sent me to the ER then again when it almost did, a lot of nights away from home. And it shows. The oldest has taken to yelling angrily at her younger sister, and growling in frustration at her. Lots of hurtful words coming from her mouth and hurtful attitude flowing from her heart. The middle one is bouncing off the walls (which is to be expected since she doesn't have a great outlet for expelling all the energy three year olds have!), and is generally defiant in nature. It isn't malicious, it's just the nature of being three and very spirited! She wants to do things in her own time and her own way and doesn't want anybody to tell her how it is. And all of that is at a level about 10 times higher than usual right now.

Thankfully, we have an amazing family doctor. My asthma stuff is quickly getting under control thanks to the new medications I'm on. I think my lungs forgot what it felt like to not be bogged down with inflammation and mucus! And he's finding a combination of medications to help my husband's pain levels get under control. A small difference is already noticeable, after two days. We're also ALL switching ourselves over to a more plant based diet focused on real, unprocessed foods. Something that, as I mentioned above, has been seriously lacking from our house.

We've been eating the Standard American Diet and we're beginning to understand why there's such a health crisis in this country! My husband is likely doing a 5 day juice/raw veggie and fruit fast to jump start his health journey. I would LOVE to join him, but obviously won't be due to being pregnant. Instead I'll be just adding those things into my diet. And into the girls' diets. They even tried broccoli and rice this week; two things they swore up and down they hated! When the oldest asked me to make rice and beans again, I could have fainted!

In this entire process, though, we've made sure the kids know that we love them, that we aren't not doing things to punish them, etc. And we've tried to make special occasions out of things we CAN do. Family nights at home with movies and a special treat. More trips to the play areas at local malls. Lots of reading and cuddles. Making foods we don't normally make (homemade, from scratch pretzels earned this mama some serious cool points!). Helping in the kitchen. They are troopers, and have taken it in stride.

But the husband and I are saying no more. We've survived through the worst. But we don't want our family to survive, we want it to THRIVE. We're looking into joining a gym that has family programs. We can get much needed exercise (inside, away from the humidity for me!), and the kids can have classes to make friends and get energy out. I've found a tumbling class for them through the Y that they could take together, and progress together. It's way on the other side of town, but once a week we can make that drive. Most of the dance and gymnastic places I've called close to us are much more expensive, don't include gym membership for the husband and I, and have long waiting lists. We're starting back with at least once weekly zoo trips, and signing up for some of their upcoming homeschool series.

I'm excited to change the dynamic of our family. From being a group of people who all love each other and live together to being a tight knit family unit again. We've been there most of the 8 years we've been a family, we can get back there again.