Postpartum Depression, Anxiety, and Family Planning

I've been battling postpartum anxiety again...which gives way to postpartum depression. I had this after R was born, too. Then I was in denial it was happening. I stopped taking the Zoloft I'd been prescribed, and acted like I was fine.

Except I wasn't. When R was 5 months old we moved into our house. Same town I've always lived in. I, the woman who never locks a door, would be awake all night worrying. It was just me and the girls home, K works overnight. Every tiny sound was lurking danger. If I dared fall asleep, my dreams were nightmares of people breaking in and doing horrible things to me and my children. So, I stayed up.

At the time, I had a part-time job. A job I loved, actually, full of people I loved seeing everyday. Every day I felt sane, that is. I called in more than anyone should. Not trying to slack off, but my anxiety was so bad at times that I had huge panic attacks just trying to get out of bed. I still feel bad about that.

This time I was trying to avoid PPD/A. I spend time outside for vitamin d. I'm taking fish oil and encapsulated placenta. It didn't work. I am not as bad as I was after R's birth. Which surprises me because I have family issues that I figured would be a catalyst for any anxiety issues.

This time, though, I feel like my kids are suffering more. I yell. A lot. They play in their toyroom without me a lot. because sometimes I just can't cope with the incessant talking and noise. I'm just not an engaged parent, and I get mat at them far more than they deserve. Apologies are an everyday occurrence around here.

Which has me questioning if we should consider more kids. I have said since we decided to have more than one that I want four kids. And K has agreed to four, but I know he feels 3 is a better number for us. I really don't feel done. But is it fair to my children to put them through this postpartum Hell again? I don't know. But the only kind of birth control that has ever worked for me isn't safe while breastfeeding...and my sleep isnt conducive to charting. Which has me at a loss.

I hate the idea of birth control (for me! No issues with it for anyone else...) anyway. I very much believe there is a plan for us all, so if I'm supposed to have another child, it'll happen. So what's the point? This is a very poor way of expressing what I'm trying to say, so I'll stop while I'm (somewhat) ahead.

I'm also considering looking for part-time work again. I would have to get a job where I could work on K's days off and days K2 (aka my non-bio little sister) would watch the girls. And find a bottle L will take. She didn't do too bad taking some from K2 on our trip, but has refused any K has tried to give her. I'm thinking a little extra money and a few hours a week away from the house would be good for me. In the past I've wanted jobs close to home. Now I'm liking the idea of a reasonable but decent commute. Just for some time alone with my.thoughts. Or the radio. Without interruption.

Again, I feel like I'm left with decisions to make, but no clue where to start.

Long time, no post.

I'm up right now, alone. Everyone else has given up their insomniatic ways. For a while, I joined them. But, being 27 weeks pregnant has its way of making that insomnia creep back up on you!



I'm listening to eggs tap-tap-tapping as they boil in the pan. I'm suddenly craving sweets, so am trying to up my protein intake. Needing protein makes sense to me, since my morning sickness returned about 2 weeks ago. Meat is pretty unappealing, so are a lot of eggs (egg salad sounds good, though), and one can only eat so many PB&Js before those become nauseating, too!

This pregnancy has brought a LOT of depression with it. I am assuming it has a lot to do with everything that has happened in the six (AH!) months since I've updated. There are a laundry list of bad things that have happened. But to list them would undermine the GOOD things that happened as well. Getting to see good friends. Playing in autumn leaves. Feeling baby kicks. Seeing my oldest's face light up when she feels the baby kick. A two year old hugging and kissing my belly and singing to her little sister (yes, we're getting blessed with another girl!). That same two year old, when NOT feeling baby kick, pushing on my belly yelling "WAKEY! WAKEY!" Embraces from those I love.

I've had to come to terms with giving up on massage school. At least for now, it's the right thing to do. I have lost my desire to fight. Maybe, after my wrist gets fixed (via surgery or other means), I will feel that pull on my heart again. Lord knows massage is still a big part of me. But I feel God bringing me to nursing school. I'm going to go talk to a local LPN program about enrolling. This is scary. Nursing has help appeal with me, but its always been scary, something I am not passionate about. To a certain extent, I'm still not. But I feel that that this is where God wants me. Out of my comfort zone. So I'm jumping off this cliff with my eyes closed and my heart full of prayers and faith and praying it goes well!

I am giving my two weeks notice at my part-time job tomorrow. I am in my third trimester and am finding myself needed to nest and be close to my family as much as possible. So I am looking forward to 2.5-3 months of crocheting, washing diapers, renovating the bathroom to put in our deeper bathtub before the birth, painting and decorating the house. All the wonderfully typical nesting things.

I am prayerfully trying to learn to become more present in my surroundings. I am always worrying over something, or dreaming of the future rather than learning to be happy in the present and in the moment I am in. I blame where I live for my unhappiness, and have my entire life. I've spent 20 years making plans to get out of this place. But...here I am. And God has a reason for me still being here. My job is to learn that reason and learn to be happy in Him no matter where I am physically.

It's why a lot of my nesting involves fixing the house up. I've been reluctant to do so because of my desire to get out of here. But having a home I feel cozy in makes me happy. So I am putting up pictures, decorating, and making this house a HOME. This excites me.

There is a turning point in our family. I feel it coming up. And I am not scared about it. I feel God's hand in it all. This excites me. It energizes me, and makes me feel like I can handle ANYTHING. I am interested to see what the future holds.