I'm up right now, alone. Everyone else has given up their insomniatic ways. For a while, I joined them. But, being 27 weeks pregnant has its way of making that insomnia creep back up on you!
I'm listening to eggs tap-tap-tapping as they boil in the pan. I'm suddenly craving sweets, so am trying to up my protein intake. Needing protein makes sense to me, since my morning sickness returned about 2 weeks ago. Meat is pretty unappealing, so are a lot of eggs (egg salad sounds good, though), and one can only eat so many PB&Js before those become nauseating, too!
This pregnancy has brought a LOT of depression with it. I am assuming it has a lot to do with everything that has happened in the six (AH!) months since I've updated. There are a laundry list of bad things that have happened. But to list them would undermine the GOOD things that happened as well. Getting to see good friends. Playing in autumn leaves. Feeling baby kicks. Seeing my oldest's face light up when she feels the baby kick. A two year old hugging and kissing my belly and singing to her little sister (yes, we're getting blessed with another girl!). That same two year old, when NOT feeling baby kick, pushing on my belly yelling "WAKEY! WAKEY!" Embraces from those I love.
I've had to come to terms with giving up on massage school. At least for now, it's the right thing to do. I have lost my desire to fight. Maybe, after my wrist gets fixed (via surgery or other means), I will feel that pull on my heart again. Lord knows massage is still a big part of me. But I feel God bringing me to nursing school. I'm going to go talk to a local LPN program about enrolling. This is scary. Nursing has help appeal with me, but its always been scary, something I am not passionate about. To a certain extent, I'm still not. But I feel that that this is where God wants me. Out of my comfort zone. So I'm jumping off this cliff with my eyes closed and my heart full of prayers and faith and praying it goes well!
I am giving my two weeks notice at my part-time job tomorrow. I am in my third trimester and am finding myself needed to nest and be close to my family as much as possible. So I am looking forward to 2.5-3 months of crocheting, washing diapers, renovating the bathroom to put in our deeper bathtub before the birth, painting and decorating the house. All the wonderfully typical nesting things.
I am prayerfully trying to learn to become more present in my surroundings. I am always worrying over something, or dreaming of the future rather than learning to be happy in the present and in the moment I am in. I blame where I live for my unhappiness, and have my entire life. I've spent 20 years making plans to get out of this place. But...here I am. And God has a reason for me still being here. My job is to learn that reason and learn to be happy in Him no matter where I am physically.
It's why a lot of my nesting involves fixing the house up. I've been reluctant to do so because of my desire to get out of here. But having a home I feel cozy in makes me happy. So I am putting up pictures, decorating, and making this house a HOME. This excites me.
There is a turning point in our family. I feel it coming up. And I am not scared about it. I feel God's hand in it all. This excites me. It energizes me, and makes me feel like I can handle ANYTHING. I am interested to see what the future holds.
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
The unchanging spouse
This is something I struggle with. I have a deep-rooted desire to live a simpler life. One free of the burdens of loans and credit and the need for material things. My wonderful husband, however, doesn't necessarily have this same desire.
This issue has shown itself clearly the past couple of days. We recently got rid of our newish car and bought an old but reliable car. It needs some things done; new struts and shocks, and the passenger door has an airleak we need to fix. Everything else that's wrong with it is purely cosmetic. I call the car Ugly Betty quite affectionately. And while I hated giving up my newer prettier car, I've quickly grown to love this new-to-me car that has saved us from a large payment and costs 1/3 as much for insurance. Pretty close to the same gas mileage, too!
Now, my husband has found out about the $7,500 credit/loan you can get on your taxes this year. Basically it's a 15 year interest free loan from the government. Hubby wants to go for it and use it to buy a newer car outright. A 2003 Subaru Outback Legacy, to be exact. He's a meanie and went for MY dream car in an effort to woo me to his side. And then use the remaining loan plus our normal refund to catch up on a couple of debts and do some small projects around the house.
Good idea, in theory, I guess. An interest free loan. Essentially it would give us a car payment of $500/year. Much, much better than what we were paying of course. And the car would have all wheel drive. With the snowstorms and thundersnows we've seen this year including more ice and the roads crews having less-than-stellar response time, this is a huge plus.
I'm just not sold. There will be more to pay for insurance since with such a nice car we'd definitely carry full coverage versus the liability we have now (no point in that when your deductible costs more than your car!). Plus there's the increased expense if something were to go wrong with the car. With Ugly Betty, we can find any part we'd need at our local junkyard. With newer cars this isn't true. Especially with Subarus, whose parts are not that easy to find in the first place. Hubby works at an auto parts store, he himself has used this against me in the past as a reason to NOT get a Subaru.
I feel the best option is to take whatever our refund would be without this $7,500 "credit" and be happy. Use it to pay our two largest, most essential bills off. Then live for a while with no monthly loan payments except our mortgage for a while. Use that time to build a savings. I figure Ugly Betty has a good two to five years left in her if we take good care of her. By that time, we'll have enough of a savings built up that we can easily pay for a car in cash. I'm tired of owing someone money. Even if that someone is charging no interest and is, essentially, the faceless entity known as the IRS. I mean why would you willingly be indebted to the IRS of all people???
Sometimes, I feel my desire for simplicity is something I'm left to deal with alone. At least in our family. I am fighting a losing battle in this house trying to get us away from consumerism. I can't even get us to go a week without eating out! How am I supposed to convince him that doing less, having less, and spending less are good things when I can't even convince him to wait until we get home to eat? Then, I realize that I am not him. I can do these things even without his support. So, we have a big ugly black box on our wall. It doesn't mean I have to turn it on. In fact, sometimes I forget its anything more than a big, black hole in the wall. So he eats out all the time. It doesn't mean I have to order something for myself. I can simply show him by example the life I want to lead.
But I am clueless on how to do this with this car situation. I can't show by example, because while it would be my car (as Ugly Betty is mine), it is our money. I can't completely veto his idea, that's not how our relationship works and I don't think its fair. But how do we compromise when the things we want are on totally different ends of the spectrum?
This issue has shown itself clearly the past couple of days. We recently got rid of our newish car and bought an old but reliable car. It needs some things done; new struts and shocks, and the passenger door has an airleak we need to fix. Everything else that's wrong with it is purely cosmetic. I call the car Ugly Betty quite affectionately. And while I hated giving up my newer prettier car, I've quickly grown to love this new-to-me car that has saved us from a large payment and costs 1/3 as much for insurance. Pretty close to the same gas mileage, too!
Now, my husband has found out about the $7,500 credit/loan you can get on your taxes this year. Basically it's a 15 year interest free loan from the government. Hubby wants to go for it and use it to buy a newer car outright. A 2003 Subaru Outback Legacy, to be exact. He's a meanie and went for MY dream car in an effort to woo me to his side. And then use the remaining loan plus our normal refund to catch up on a couple of debts and do some small projects around the house.
Good idea, in theory, I guess. An interest free loan. Essentially it would give us a car payment of $500/year. Much, much better than what we were paying of course. And the car would have all wheel drive. With the snowstorms and thundersnows we've seen this year including more ice and the roads crews having less-than-stellar response time, this is a huge plus.
I'm just not sold. There will be more to pay for insurance since with such a nice car we'd definitely carry full coverage versus the liability we have now (no point in that when your deductible costs more than your car!). Plus there's the increased expense if something were to go wrong with the car. With Ugly Betty, we can find any part we'd need at our local junkyard. With newer cars this isn't true. Especially with Subarus, whose parts are not that easy to find in the first place. Hubby works at an auto parts store, he himself has used this against me in the past as a reason to NOT get a Subaru.
I feel the best option is to take whatever our refund would be without this $7,500 "credit" and be happy. Use it to pay our two largest, most essential bills off. Then live for a while with no monthly loan payments except our mortgage for a while. Use that time to build a savings. I figure Ugly Betty has a good two to five years left in her if we take good care of her. By that time, we'll have enough of a savings built up that we can easily pay for a car in cash. I'm tired of owing someone money. Even if that someone is charging no interest and is, essentially, the faceless entity known as the IRS. I mean why would you willingly be indebted to the IRS of all people???
Sometimes, I feel my desire for simplicity is something I'm left to deal with alone. At least in our family. I am fighting a losing battle in this house trying to get us away from consumerism. I can't even get us to go a week without eating out! How am I supposed to convince him that doing less, having less, and spending less are good things when I can't even convince him to wait until we get home to eat? Then, I realize that I am not him. I can do these things even without his support. So, we have a big ugly black box on our wall. It doesn't mean I have to turn it on. In fact, sometimes I forget its anything more than a big, black hole in the wall. So he eats out all the time. It doesn't mean I have to order something for myself. I can simply show him by example the life I want to lead.
But I am clueless on how to do this with this car situation. I can't show by example, because while it would be my car (as Ugly Betty is mine), it is our money. I can't completely veto his idea, that's not how our relationship works and I don't think its fair. But how do we compromise when the things we want are on totally different ends of the spectrum?
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