Postpartum Depression, Anxiety, and Family Planning

I've been battling postpartum anxiety again...which gives way to postpartum depression. I had this after R was born, too. Then I was in denial it was happening. I stopped taking the Zoloft I'd been prescribed, and acted like I was fine.

Except I wasn't. When R was 5 months old we moved into our house. Same town I've always lived in. I, the woman who never locks a door, would be awake all night worrying. It was just me and the girls home, K works overnight. Every tiny sound was lurking danger. If I dared fall asleep, my dreams were nightmares of people breaking in and doing horrible things to me and my children. So, I stayed up.

At the time, I had a part-time job. A job I loved, actually, full of people I loved seeing everyday. Every day I felt sane, that is. I called in more than anyone should. Not trying to slack off, but my anxiety was so bad at times that I had huge panic attacks just trying to get out of bed. I still feel bad about that.

This time I was trying to avoid PPD/A. I spend time outside for vitamin d. I'm taking fish oil and encapsulated placenta. It didn't work. I am not as bad as I was after R's birth. Which surprises me because I have family issues that I figured would be a catalyst for any anxiety issues.

This time, though, I feel like my kids are suffering more. I yell. A lot. They play in their toyroom without me a lot. because sometimes I just can't cope with the incessant talking and noise. I'm just not an engaged parent, and I get mat at them far more than they deserve. Apologies are an everyday occurrence around here.

Which has me questioning if we should consider more kids. I have said since we decided to have more than one that I want four kids. And K has agreed to four, but I know he feels 3 is a better number for us. I really don't feel done. But is it fair to my children to put them through this postpartum Hell again? I don't know. But the only kind of birth control that has ever worked for me isn't safe while breastfeeding...and my sleep isnt conducive to charting. Which has me at a loss.

I hate the idea of birth control (for me! No issues with it for anyone else...) anyway. I very much believe there is a plan for us all, so if I'm supposed to have another child, it'll happen. So what's the point? This is a very poor way of expressing what I'm trying to say, so I'll stop while I'm (somewhat) ahead.

I'm also considering looking for part-time work again. I would have to get a job where I could work on K's days off and days K2 (aka my non-bio little sister) would watch the girls. And find a bottle L will take. She didn't do too bad taking some from K2 on our trip, but has refused any K has tried to give her. I'm thinking a little extra money and a few hours a week away from the house would be good for me. In the past I've wanted jobs close to home. Now I'm liking the idea of a reasonable but decent commute. Just for some time alone with my.thoughts. Or the radio. Without interruption.

Again, I feel like I'm left with decisions to make, but no clue where to start.

Grr to the Argh

Sorry, had to throw a little Whedonism in there. It just fits.

I am so tense lately. Tense to the point where I feel like I'm going to lose it. Since about the age of 18 I've been a pretty high strung person. It used to be that I fed on the nervous energy; it helped me stay on my game, so to speak. Now, not so much. It seems when I get anxious or tense, I shut down. Emotionally and physically. I find myself snapping at people around me. I know what I need to do, but I find myself unable to muster up the energy it takes to do it. I'm very listless, and I'm unsure of how to fix it.

It's been this way for a long time. Around a year now. At first, I just thought it was post-partum depression. Now? I think it's something more. I have a period of feeling great. I have energy, I sleep well, I have it together. I had a lot of that this spring, and a bit over the summer. But then I feel depressed and hopeless, really. I've tried upping my intake of fish oil to no avail. Part of me is considering going to the doctor, but the thought detests me. All a doctor does is give you a pill. A pill that doesn't make you feel better, it makes you unable to feel. Yes, I'll sleep. And that's probably all I need, is sleep.

All this tension is making me really doubt myself as far as school is concerned. Massage has lots of health benefits. Reduced tension and anxiety, and relief from insomnia are just a few. I've been getting two massages a week for the past six weeks. And I've felt none of those benefits. If nothing else, my anxiety, tension, and insomnia have all gotten worse. Tenfold worse. How can I tell people they should be getting massages to ensure these benefits when I'm having a hard time believing them because of lack of personal experience? I can't even relax during a massage, let alone general relaxation. Its making me doubt myself and doubt my (future) profession. And the doubt is even worse. Because if I don't believe in the benefits of massage how can I be a massage therapist?