Praise you in this storm...

Baby number 3 was not meant to be. At least not at this time. I found out last Monday that I was having another miscarriage. While I wish I could change the outcome, I have accepted what is happening. I am coming to this loss with much greater faith in God than I have past losses. Miscarriage is a part of my life. It is not a happy part, nor is it a celebrated part. But, it is there and I accept it. My husband and I have both decided that our family is up to God. And, while I plan on making changes to help improve my fertility, we know that by leaving this in His hands we open ourselves up not only to more children if He so desires, but to more losses as well. We learn from each of those losses. Learn to appreciate our children even when they are driving up crazy. We learn to see our family as the blessing that it is. And we learn a lot about ourselves as parents. It opens us up to really examine ourselves and see where we need to change.

Sweet Surprise!

Last week my husband and I found out we are expecting baby #3!!! This came as a bit of a shock, but a very welcome, very happy one. We're happy and confident- I have experienced none of the same hormone issues as I did when we had our miscarriages. I've also gotten a hefty dose of morning sickness, which while unpleasant, leads me to believe this baby is around for the long haul. Good thing we went for the minivan over a sedan when we bought a vehicle two months ago! :)

We're excited to have a birth in our new home. And I find that this time I'm much more relaxed, even though I'm not very far along. We have very little to buy; maybe a new double stroller, a few diapers (we have most of what we need, just adding in some new brands we've discovered), and preferrably a new bathtub before the birth! I'd like one like in my mom's house- it was perfect for birthing in. We have slings, we have a carseat, we have a trundle bed for our oldest so she can still be in our room but the baby and the youngest can be in bed with us.

Thankfully, I'm in my exercise training class. I'm looking forward to seeing the positive effects of staying fit and active during pregnancy. I've been pretty sedentary in the past two pregnancies due to hyperemesis with the first and pubic symphsis disorder in the second. Staying consistent with chiropractor visits and my cravings for veggies should be enough to make labor and all even easier this time around!

I'm currently at 5 weeks, and am due in December.

My personal challenge!

I decided to weigh myself on Thursday before my exercise training class. Big mistake! Or great idea since it's motivating. I weigh the same as I did when I graduate high school/got married. Its my heaviest weight ever. Back then, I had a reasonable excuse. I was working my butt off to graduate while running my mom's home daycare and coping with the fatal illnesses and subsequent deaths of both my grandparents. Yep, I can forgive myself for not thinking about what I was eating at the time. Heck, it was such a stressful time that I still have very few memories of an entire six month period! Including my own wedding!!!

But now? Now there's no excuse. I was 20 pounds lighter than this when I got pregnant with my youngest. And I had gotten down to just five pounds over that after she was born. So, I've gained 15 pounds! NOT good. I'm giving myself a reasonable goal. I would prefer to lose it all by my oldest's birthday at the end of June, but will be happy enough if I lose it by my birthday in mid-July.

To help aid me in this goal, I am personally challenging myself to complete 30 workouts in 30 days. I've decided that any activity that gets my heartrate up and helps me break a sweat for at least 30 minutes counts. This includes workout DVDs, walks with the girls, my gym time for school, even doing basics like jumping jacks, crunches, lunges, etc. But for my own personal sanity of keeping track, it has to be 30 consecutive minutes. This is a biggie for me. If I tried to keep track of 3 ten minute bursts of activity, I'd wind up cheating without meaning to.

Along with 30 workouts, I'm also challenging myself to have 30 green smoothies in 30 days. I've been a longtime reader of Sara's blog, and have heard her preach the green smoothie gospel. And I've tried to get on board, making green smoothies in the past. I love the taste, and feel better when I'm drinking them. I finally have a good blender, too. That definitely helps! My little ones loving them helps too!

Of course, most people get fit for themselves. And that's a big factor for me. I want to feel better, to look better. But, my biggest motivator is to set a good example for my kids. I want them to have a mom who they see enjoying being active and enjoying eating healthy foods. I hate that right now I'm giving them healthy food while I nosh away on...let's face it, CRAP! That is not who I want to be. I'm a young mom, it's time I start feeling like one!!!

God is in the...cardio!?!?!

I am currently enrolled in an Exercise Training course through my school. This is a required course, and involves around 2-2.5 hours in a local gym twice a week. The breakdown winds up being 30 minutes cardio, around and hour and a half weight training (working in pairs, so it takes longer), and 30 minutes hydro work (hot tub/pool exercise/steam room). I barely made it out of the first class, our pre-fitness test, alive. However, I wasn't quite as sore afterwards as I had expected.

I finished the second class tonight. It was wonderful! I love exercising, but have always lacked the motivation to get started. So, being "forced" to do it is really great for me. Its also some time where I really get to just dive inside of myself. As a busy mom, I so rarely get that opportunity.

Tonight I was on the elliptical machine (oh, how I love those things!), and was planning on listening to my mp3 player. The battery died after one song. I saw Michael J. Fox on CNN so instantly tried to plug in to hear his interview (my dad has Parkinson's, so I am always interested when MJF is on TV speaking about new research, etc). My receiver on the machine was very static-y and giving me a headache as I tried to listen. So, I found myself doing something I so rarely do.

I unplugged. I had no cell phone, no internet, no TV. Nothing around me for 30 glorious minutes. I just listened to myself. And I found myself reflecting on the Holy Week. The gift of salvation. The pain Christ endured to pay for MY sins. For all of our sins. I prayed a little. But mostly? Mostly I just worked out in peaceful silence, basking in His peaceful presence.

I realize that this is always there for me. He is always there for me. But I've decided that rather than always listening to my exercise playlist (I am going to be working out 7 days/week), I am downloading some bible passages and lessons to listen to. Its one of the rare peaceful moments I get, and I'm going to enjoy getting closer to the Father during that time.

I began classes back at school today. Man did it feel good to get back there! I am in Pathology on Mondays and Wednesday, with one of my favorite teachers. My Tues/Thurs class is the one that scares me. Exercise training. Yikes! I've been doing a couple of workout videos here at home, and endurance is not my strong suit. So I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well. I need to call the doctor's office and get an inhaler before I go to class.

I am going to have to work harder to eat at home with my schedule so full. I have class Mon-Thurs from 6pm-10pm. Tuesdays from 2-11pm I also have my friend's little boy. Wed, Thurs, and Fri my husband is home during the day, which means we are usually working on something around the house or just hanging out as a family. Fridays I have my friend's son from 2-7:30pm and on Saturday from 7:30am-3:30pm.

I am not worrying about it as much this week, since I am finishing up my last week at the portrait studio as well. So things are extra crazy. I am looking up slow cooker recipes. Both for breakfast and supper. That way Kelton can have breakfast when he gets home, even if we aren't up yet. That is, if he'll eat what I make! He's the pickiest eater of us all. I have steel cut oats and know I've seen some recipes to make them in the slow cooker. Roasts are a huge family favorite as well.

I am getting impatient that I haven't gotten a reply from the city about keeping chickens. I'm almost to the point of taking their lack of interest as permission! I mean, they apparently don't care enough to fire off a quick "No! Don't do it" email. I plan on checking to see if the library has a copy of city code on file, and maybe giving one more call to city hall. Otherwise, I think once the weather is warmer and we've found a doghouse, we'll be in the backyard building a coop!

Speaking of weather- I am so ready for it to warm up! I love autumn, but not winter weather. And certainly not in April!!! Spring, where are you? Please hurry up and arrive; there are lots of us here in the Omaha area who are looking forward to getting out in the great outdoors and ejoying nature. And not risking hypothermia to do so. kthnxbai!

Lately, I feel like I've been completely torn between the world I live in and the world I desire to live in. A world that is simple, a world from long ago. I am sitting here, watching a DVD on my laptop, writing in this blog while an oil lamp (homemade with a wick, mason jar, and oil) lights the living room. What an odd picture!

I have a pretty normal suburban life. House, dogs, kids, etc. We have the flat screen TV and the PS3, computers, mp3 players, the works. But while I enjoy the luxuries I have, I strive for simpler times. I enjoy things like baking my own bread, hanging laundry on the line (not doing dishes; I am looking forward to the dishwasher getting installed!). I look forward to expanding this into learning to sew so I can make things we need around the house. Growing our own food, raising chickens, and reducing our dependence on commercial products are all things I strive to do. I have given up commercial body soaps and shampoos/conditioners. I am planting a garden, though it's survival is still questionable as my thumb has proven to be more black than green in the past!

I've started reading my bible again. Oh, does it feel great to get back into the Word of God! It's amazing how when I am right with God, the rest of life seems to fall into place a little better. I feel a little lighter. My burdens aren't necessarily gone, but I am comforted knowing they are not mine alone and that I have a Savior watching over me. And I feel that He is a part of the changes I desire. That He is calling our family to living with a goal of simplicity and sustainability.

And while I would ultimately love the idea of an off-grid life. I know that's not necessarily what my husband wants. So while spending time with the Lord, and I relearning all the things the pastor discussed with us before we were married. That marriage includes the marrying of dreams and plans. And that, while my dreams are relevant, ultimately it is Kelton's decision the direction our family heads. While this doesn't play well to my incredibly large stubborn streak, it has been a relief. I tend to feel that ALL of the responsibility in the world is mine, and bear full weight of any burdens. Knowing that God Himself has said that no, it isn't that way, gives me permission to relax and defer to the head of the household.

That was something I struggled with when we were getting married. The idea of submission. I looked at it as caving in. Constantly fufilling the whims and desires of the husband while mine were on a backburner. How wrong I was! In reality, we have a very equal marriage. At least in my opinion. We work together to make all the decisions in the house. It just happens to be that if there is an area we cannot come to a compromise on (and I can only think of one in the almost six years of marriage), that the ultimate decision rests with Kelton. As much as I submit to him, he respects me and looks to me to help make the decisions that affect our family. Most of the parenting decisions have been solely mine; or at least doing the research that has gone into those decisions. The daily running of the household is my responsibility as well. But I know if I need his help, he is there to provide assistance and guidance.

Not really sure where I'm going with this, just wanted to share some recent discoveries.

A completely health/wellness focused post...

I got Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease workout DVD from NetFlix and finally started to use it. OMG is it hard to do!!! I got through the warm-up (intro warm-up, and the warm-up routine without instruction) and ALMOST through the entire first routine. And I am breathless. I suck at most of the moves, but I'm working on it. Most of the moves were things we did in the African tribal dancing thing at the success strategies seminar at school. It's a lot less embarrassing when you're not surrounded by 30 strangers. And, no, this doesn't mean I'm going to reconsider careers and become a stripper! I just needed a fun dance video to keep me motivated, and one that uses lots of stretching and hip movements is actually good for keeping my legs and core strong for massage.

I don't have a goal weight in mind. At all. I'd love to fit into my size 4 Old Navy jeans again (where I was at when I got pregnant with Reese), and be more toned overall. Mainly because I'm running out of jeans that fit that aren't getting holes in them! LOL But, honestly, I don't care if my weight/clothing size ever moves as long as I am healthier. I'm working on eating healthier, choosing lean proteins (must remember that Bakers sells buffalo meat!), and eating more veggies. I bought a TON of produce last night. Lots of grapes and strawberries, and oranges, and apples. Of course the girls have pretty much plowed through all but two of a 3lb $4 bag of organic apples in less than 24 hours (that's another story). And my cheese habit is coming to an end.

Since I stopped eating so much cheese (I have it on the occasional pizza or burritos, but try to limit it), and began cooking less and less with cow's milk, I feel so much better! I'm not as congested (big bonus when healing a nose ring, btw), and I feel like I'm slowly coming out of my "fog". I'm trying to learn about alternative milks. Goat's milk seems like a good alternative for the girls...but I can't bring myself to try it. I've used Rice milk in cooking and liked the results. I'm also VERY SLOWLY switching my Dr. Pepper for Diet Cherry 7-Up. Which still has red #40 and aspartame, which is horrible. But its a baby step (no caffeine, HFCS, or mondo-calories). After I am used to that I can switch to a sparkling juice, and then to just water. I drink mostly water anyway, this is just a treat.

So yeah. I'm not counting calories, I'm not obessing over anything. I'm a pretty uptight person, but my weight/body is one area where I just really don't stress. It seems so...pointless. I have bad days where I notice dimples on my thighs, or the extra pudge on my belly and it brings me down. But over all, I'm appreciative of my body. Too much so to belittle it. It's carried, birthed, and nourished the two loves of my life. It's put up with my crap all these years (senior year dinners consisted of pan-fried steak and 3-6 smirnoffs...every single night), and it still takes care of me. I can't complain. Any problems I have with it are my own. And getting mad or upset or defeated about the situation won't help a bit. In fact, they're discouraging and they'll only make it worse.

So I'll eat right (for the most part, of course). I'll exercise. And if I look the way I want to, great! If I stay looking this way, that's fine, too. Because at least I'm making myself healthier. And the goal is, and always should be, feeling and being healthier. Health isn't a number on a scale, or a clothing size. It's feeling better, having a stronger muscular and skeletal system, a stronger immune system, and stronger mental well being. It's being aligned, physically and spiritually. And that; that is what I strive for.

Sleep is a big part of this. And sleeping. Wonderful, amazing sleeping! I took three of the Ambien they gave me. That's all. And then I started sleeping longer stretches on my own. Still not going to bed until way too late. And that still happens sometimes. It's 2:30 right now and I am tired. As soon as I'm done writing I'm throwing diapers in the dryer and heading to bed. I'm getting tired on my own. If my body needs to sleep, it's giving me signals that it needs to sleep. That didn't happen before. I'm still working on getting in bed earlier, and getting up earlier. Especially since starting on the 6th, school begins for me each day at 9. (Of course I get home just in time for naptime, too!) So I may take some more Ambien over the next couple of weeks to get myself going to bed earlier.

But, I'm incredibly satisfied now with the sleep I'm getting. I didn't realize just what a difference it would make. I honestly feel like I'm leading a completely different life than I did a month to six weeks ago. Night and day. Life is just easier. I'm even contemplating taking on things like leading a local Friends of Iowa Midwives chapter- something I would LOVE to do, but could have never even thought of before!