The Girls!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

March brings spring, and with it many changes around here. I go tomorrow to finish registering for spring classes at the community college. I'm doing pre-requisites so I can apply to a radiology technician program. Classes start on Thursday. Yay procrastination!

On the 13th, Kelton sees a doctor who can hopefully offer us a surgical answer to the condition he has. We have a diagnosis of what the pain is called. But opinions have differed on what is causing it. And there are two different surgeries that can get rid of the pain. One gets rid of (what we believe to be) the root cause, and the other just stops the pain from traveling that far along the nerve path and can just cause permanent numbness versus pain relief.

On the 22nd we have to be out of this house. We can't move into the house we're renting until April 1st. So instead we are going to be moving our stuff to a storage unit my mom and her husband have graciously provided us with, and we will temporarily be living at my grandma's house. My dad and grandma are in Texas for the winter, so she is just turning her utilities back on a little early and we will have an entire house at our disposal. Beats having a single room or being split up. A friend and I are hoping the golf cart is in the garage so we can ride around their small town on the golf cart. Gotta have fun where you can get it! ;)

So 10 days and two moves. First from the house to the storage unit, then from the storage unit to the new house. Very hectic! We also just got five chicks, so they're part of our move, too! Thankfully they're brooder box keeps them contained, and they will stay in there until they are big enough to be in the coop full-time. We'll be buying a coop either from a friend who is selling hers or from the farm store.

The biggest change in March is our sweet little Lucy will be turning 2 on the 23rd! My little half-pint is talking up a storm. She loves her baby brother, following her sisters EVERYWHERE, and animals. Oh, does she love animals! The first store we went to for chicks didn't have the breeds we wanted, so we left. She broke free from me at the doors and RAN through the store back to the bins of chicks yelling "My chickie! My chickie!" She may have my flair for the dramatic, too. I can't believe that at this time 2 years ago I was in the midst of a horrible run of prodromal labor, willing the last of the pile of snow from our 3 blizzards that winter to melt, because I wasn't having my spring baby with snow on the ground! A few days before she was born, Kelton finally went outside and broke up that little patch of snow so our yard was snow free.

I'm praying this month brings answers for Kelton's health. What a burden that would be lifted! I'm praying the move(s) go smoothly, that our family and our chicks stay healthy through the stress, and that we all handle these many transitions with grace and love for one another even in the crazy hectic stressfulness of it all.

Dreams for the new homestead

We move in about 5 weeks. I need to get started purging and packing! Mainly, I am dreaming of how to make the new home a homestead.

1. Chickens

Anna-Lee and Nugget, Summer 2010

One of the first things we have planned is getting chickens again. Our hens that we had were all sold off or killed by the basset hound we had (she killed the last one 3 weeks before dying, a troublemaker up to the end!). It has been almost a year now since I have had an egg worth eating! Chickens are our at the top of our priorities once we move.

That's not to say we don't have decisions to make! Do we build a coop utilizing the wooden swingset we have in the back yard? Or do we do a dog house set up? Enclosed run is a must, but so we use a chain link dog run? Or build something out of wood and hardware cloth/chicken wire that we can move to different parts of the yard?

Then there's the biggest decision: buy chicks or started pullets? We will only have 3-4 laying hens tops if we stick with large fowl birds. Kelton says chicks. Not only because they're cute and fluffy, but so they can bond with us and the kids before they're pecking size. I lean towards started pullets since they freeload for far less time, and we get eggs sooner. I do understand his reasoning, but my argument is the bird in the photo above. Nugget was an 18 month old hen when we got her. I don't know if she was bought as a started pullet, or rescued from a commercial egg setup. She came to us from a small farm about 50 miles away. She was part of a trio, but the other two were too flighty (common in Leghorns) for us to keep in our backyard. Nugget, however, was the lap dog of chickens. She jumped for her food, followed us all over, and sat in our laps when we were outside enjoying chicken TV. She ate spiders around our house, and gave us a huge egg every single day. Best. Chicken. Ever. I think a started hen from a breed known for their friendliness would have no problem adapting to us fairly quickly.

2. Gardening

I tried to garden last year. I really did. I had a container garden with some tomatoes, a pepper plant, and some herbs. They did well, even with our unusually HOT summer that was muggy with little actual rain. However, I was pregnant with hyperemesis. Combined with a streak of hail and wind storms (bonus to container gardening is that we can throw the garden into the camper when there are 80 mile per hour freak winds!) and my inability to get out and tend to things like I should, the garden failed. Sure, I got some great herbs to use in cooking, and a few tomatoes, and maybe two peppers. I'm still very much a noob when it comes to this gardening thing. I think we're going to try square foot gardening, or maybe stick with the containers. It's something Kelton and I need to figure out before we move. I'm checking to see when I should be starting seedlings, though most will be bought as starts. As we pick the fruits (and veggies!) of our labor, canning and preserving will be part of our gardening journey.

3. Continue on the DIY Train

We are do it and make it yourself-ers. I make my own toothpaste, and our own laundry detergent. We tried a homemade dishwasher detergent, but it definitely left a film, so still searching for the perfect 'recipe'. My Ga-Ga had clothesline in the backyard, and the posts are still there. Our clothesline was something that was a selling point with this house for me, so we'll be getting some line and putting those posts to good use again. Once we are done with freezing temperatures and snow on the ground, I'll be drying outside as much as possible. I'm wondering if it's legal to have clotheslines visible from the front of the house. Right now the line is in just about the most inconvenient spot in terms of having to lug baskets of wet clothes! Moving it to the side yard would be much easier on the back. Since we don't dry underclothes (aside from diapers, which don't count!), the embarrassment thing isn't a factor.

Other things that we want to learn to do for ourselves include sewing, making more of our own health and beauty products (soaps, lotions, etc), brewing our own rootbeer (I say I want to brew my own beer, but I'm not a fan of beer at all!), and I may look into wine making. With the herbs from our garden, I'm planning on making some loose tea blends for myself as well.

On our way.

Today we had a follow up with our family doctor to discuss how the most recent pain medication change and the rather uneventful appointment with the neurosurgeon where he said he couldn't do anything. I think we were both anxious and were both a bit scared today. Just unsure of where things could go, what we were going to be told, that we were going to hit yet another dead end. Or at least what would feel like another dead end.

That isn't what happened. We got a referral to a pain clinic to discuss different treatment options, as well as the possibility of perhaps seeing if he is a candidate for a spinal cord stimulator. Our doctor is also conferring with a neurologist to see if they think a nerve conduction study can tell us anything new that we don't already know. Some medications were switched around yet again, but that's nothing new at this point.

All in all it was a rather uneventful visit. A bit of waiting for this and waiting for that. And maybe once we have those visits we will have a plan in place besides "wait and if this happens we do that." I will say, I am grateful we have the doctor we do. He is so amazing and great at explaining everything, working with Kelton, and really being part of a team with us versus just treating us like children and doling out rules to follow. In short he talks to us and with us, not at us. When you're dealing with something as frustrating as a trying to control chronic pain, the right provider can make all the difference in the world.

In seven weeks we move. To my Ga-Ga and Pa's old house. This house is probably the closest I've felt to a home in my entire life. I never liked my house as a kid. I was, and to an extent still am, convinced it was haunted. Maybe not by ghosts, but there is a very negative energy in that place. And I am not the only person who has lived there and felt it. But Ga-Ga and Pa's is just warm and happy memories of life with them. I've lived there before, in 2007 and 2008. It is a bit sad, but also good in a way. I'm excited to settle in and do some decorating and making it a home.

I will also start school soon. I'm doing both pre-requisites and other classes that boost my chances of being admitted to a local radiology technician program. I will apply next year to start in their fall 2013 class. I haven't been in any sort of school since 2009 when I left massage school for good. I am a bookworm. I am a learner. I love to learn. I live to learn. The idea of being in school again thrills me! I am already geeking out thinking of notes and books and studying.

We are enrolling Miss 6 year old into an online public school. Basically we are enrolling in another district in our state (I admit I don't even know WHERE in Iowa this town is!), and she will attend their online virtual academy. My husband and I are still her learning coaches, but now the work is submitted to the district and they take care of sending us curriculum, the testing, the official paperwork and all of that. It is a good compromise for us. In the meantime, we are still working on Hooked on Phonics. We've been doing Kindergarten, but she's made such leaps and bounds that we're looking at upping her to the First Grade curriculum soon. I'm so proud of her! The love of learning has clicked with her and watching her figure things out around her is so special. When we go to a restaurant I make her read the name of the dish she wants instead of pointing to the picture to tell me what she wants. And she does it! Seeing her face beaming with pride when she discovers a new word is just the best feeling.

Miss 4 year old, on the other hand, is a very frustrating pupil! She is always gogogogogogogo and can't just sit down for even 5 minutes to try to learn letters. At four she isn't able to recognize all of her letters or even tell you the sounds of all of them. Which is very different from her sister, who knew the letters but struggled putting them together. She has a huge vocabulary, far above most four year olds. She just has no interest in writing or anything else involving fine motor skills. We still get pages full of scribbles. It's definitely a struggle trying to figure out HOW to catch her attention, but it's a challenge I welcome.

Miss 1 year old is adding more and more words to her vocabulary each and every day. She understands more, too. And loves having a baby smaller than her to dote on. At 21 months she is starting to work on potty training. Lots of accidents (I will miss having all wood floors when we move for this reason), but she cleans up after herself, and knows it's an "oops."

Mr. Babyman is 2 months old. He was the grumpiest grump ever to grump, but after two weeks of chiropractic care he is now a smiling ball of happiness. He is really good at supporting his own weight on his belly and propping himself up on his arms. He loves his sisters, loves naked time, and loves it when we shake his legs back and forth. The kid smiles with his entire face. From forehead to chin, it is really over the top and so cute. We couldn't have asked for a better baby.

All in all, we don't know where life is headed. There are still quite a few big things up in the air and changes in the near future. But it feels like we are finally on an upswing. And that feels good.

Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 2: Guilt

Guilt. It is a feeling familiar to those who are married to someone with a chronic condition. So. Much. Guilt. You feel guilty that they miss out on things that you know they would enjoy doing with the family. You feel guilty that you still need their help when they need to do nothing some days. Guilt for feeling resentful or angry at their condition, even though you know they feel the same. Guilt for considering it tour fight too, when they have to fight so much harder and be so much stronger than you to make it through the worst times. Guilty for being frustrated in the new and tumultuous dual role of spouse and caregiver. And worst of all, you feel guilty for being well (because both of you being in pain and/or suffering is somehow so much better).

I just want to take a second to shout what I hope you already know: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! Absolutely nothing. All the emotions above are normal. Feeling guilty is, too.

You feel a bit like a single parent, but with the frustration of having a partner still in the home. The maddening thing is that you remember the helpful person they can be and a part of you never let's go of that expectation of helpfulness. Even if your rational brain knows they can't do something, you see them there and your subconscious doesn't see their limitations, just that you're handling way more than they are.

The hardest guilt for me has been feeling guilty about my anger. When my husband lost his first of two jobs his condition has cost him, there was a bogus reason, but we both believe it was due to the decline in performance due to his pain. For a long time I didn't allow myself anger about any of it. Then, I let myself get upset at his employer. The reason he was let go was ludicrous and they should be ashamed! And I felt a bit better. Then I let myself feel angry at the condition. And I am still angry that the doctors don't/can't/won't help him.

Today I let myself feel a different kind of angry. Today I was angry at him. I was angry that he never filed for short term disability when things got bad and instead tried to push through and provide for us. That got us really far. As soon as I admitted that anger, I instantly felt guilty. He worked his butt off until he couldn't anymore. He is in pain and this isn't a choice he made. He isn't lazy, isn't trying to freeload. He helps every time he can as much.as he can. What right did I have to be angry at him?!?

Then it hit me. I had EVERY right. Because I do not feel this way all the time. I do not berate him or judge him or try to make him feel bad because of his condition. But I am battling it too. And it will take its toll on me mentally instead of physically. If I try to push these feelings away out of guilt, they will only fester. I have to be okay releasing them so they don't hold any power over me, over him, or over us.

There's a lot you give up to take care of a spouse, especially on the bad days. That's for another post. Perhaps, we need to give up one more thing. The guilt. Give it up and respect that you have the right to feel that way, and by acknowledging the feelings you can prevent things from boiling under the surface.

Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 1: History

The past six weeks have been a roller coaster. And the ride, it isn't over yet.

(NOTE: This is the first in a series of posts. I am mostly going to be writing about being the spouse/partner of someone with chronic pain. Some posts may be about my experiences with my own chronic pain. However, while chronic, my pain is not severe or debilitating, so I try to be more "out of sight, out of mind" with it.)

Thanksgiving weekend, Kelton was in SO. MUCH. PAIN. Pain so bad the narcotic pain relievers he has been on for almost two years were not TOUCHING the pain. He was scared. I was scared. In the Emergency Dept. they did an MRI. He still had the herniated discs we knew about; but he also had a lipoma we were unaware of. The radiologist that read his report said he thought epidural steroid injections could help.

Since then Kelton has received the 3 injections he can receive for the year. For a bit after the second injection, things seemed GREAT. Kelton even managed to, for the first time in almost two years, stop taking narcotic drugs completely. He hasn't had one in almost two weeks. Last Thursday, he had his third injection. Yesterday, things started spiraling in reverse.

After doing some lifting, nothing extreme, and certainly nothing that would have even been a blip on his radar before this all started, Kelton's leg pain came back. It was mild yesterday, but by today it's like he has never had an injection. Another injection isn't an option. He had a consult and first adjustment with my chiropractor today. Apparently the lipoma is causing spinal stenosis. And any time he strains his back, the pain will return as long as the lipoma is there.

As long as the lipoma is there. Those words both terrify me and fill me with hope. They are scary, because what if the spine specialist we have an appointment with next week (God, please let him last until next week with this pain.) says surgery isn't an option? What if they say it is? Surgery is scary, but the idea of him living with this pain forever is even scarier. We thought the injections were going to be our magic potion, but they weren't. What if they do a surgery and it doesn't work either? At this point, optimism is hard to come by. This pain has cost him two jobs, cost us our house, and cost him the chance to be the father he wants to be (not that he isn't an amazing father, he just misses being active with the kids and they miss playing with daddy!). We're not sure how much more we can stand to lose.

Next Wednesday we meet with the spine specialist (unless we can happen to get in before that, which we're trying to do). I am praying, hoping, and crossing my fingers that they look at the MRI, meet with him, and say "Yes, you're a great surgical candidate. Let's start this process and get you out of pain!" But a part of me, the natural pessimist in me, is saying "Nope. Not going to happen. They are going to say there's nothing they can do, here are some pills to keep you numb forever." I hate to think like that. That is so far from what I want for him. It's even further from what he wants for himself. I see him struggling. I see him getting down on himself; talking about how he is a bad husband and father because of his pain. But that isn't him, he is not his pain. He's still the amazing, strong, wonderful person I fell in love with. And I have to have faith that God will provide us the doctors and resources we need to get him back to feeling like that person.

Welcome, 2012!

It will never be 2011 again. Never. That is awesome. 2011 was a year full of trials. We were pushed to our limits individually, as a couple, and as a family. And we came out the other side stronger, happier, and more sure of the strength of ourselves, our faith, our marriage, and our family. No matter what, the six of us are in this together, and God will provide. Those two simple facts are what carried me through some very, very dark moments. And I'm sure they'll continue to do so in the years to come.

2012. This year will be a year of change. Work and change. I will be returning to school to get my CNA and (God willing) begin working out of the home. My goal is to find a position that lets me work 3 overnight shifts a week so I still have 4 days a week at home with my family. Kelton gets his last in the series of 3 steroid injections to shrink the spinal lipoma on Friday. Hopefully within a month or so of that injection he'll know how effective it was and be able to look for work.

We will be moving. Same town, but we're going to be renting a home from family. The house we'll be in is larger, has a second bathroom, and we can still have a garden and chickens. The wild turkeys that frequent the front yard should mask the noise anyway. These suburbanites don't know the difference between a bawk-bawk and a gobble-gobble. ;) This is a bit of a scary change, but it is also one that definitely feels like a move in the direction that we need to go.

Personally my goal is to get myself back into shape. I don't feel healthy. I was just getting to a place of starting to feel healthy again after Lucy's birth when I got pregnant with Zane. Between the hyperemesis, SPD, and broken tailbone I did virtually no exercise while pregnant with him. The goal was really to move as little as possible to keep myself from hurting or throwing up. I'm actually not too concerned with the number on the scale, but I am extremely in need of toning up! I have made an initial goal of doing 500 jumping jacks a day. I can do only 50 at a time right now before getting winded, but I know that I have to start somewhere. Eventually I'd love to be running again. Trying pilates is on my "to-do" list as well.

I don't know exactly where this year will take us. But I am excited for the journey!