Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 2: Guilt

Guilt. It is a feeling familiar to those who are married to someone with a chronic condition. So. Much. Guilt. You feel guilty that they miss out on things that you know they would enjoy doing with the family. You feel guilty that you still need their help when they need to do nothing some days. Guilt for feeling resentful or angry at their condition, even though you know they feel the same. Guilt for considering it tour fight too, when they have to fight so much harder and be so much stronger than you to make it through the worst times. Guilty for being frustrated in the new and tumultuous dual role of spouse and caregiver. And worst of all, you feel guilty for being well (because both of you being in pain and/or suffering is somehow so much better).

I just want to take a second to shout what I hope you already know: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! Absolutely nothing. All the emotions above are normal. Feeling guilty is, too.

You feel a bit like a single parent, but with the frustration of having a partner still in the home. The maddening thing is that you remember the helpful person they can be and a part of you never let's go of that expectation of helpfulness. Even if your rational brain knows they can't do something, you see them there and your subconscious doesn't see their limitations, just that you're handling way more than they are.

The hardest guilt for me has been feeling guilty about my anger. When my husband lost his first of two jobs his condition has cost him, there was a bogus reason, but we both believe it was due to the decline in performance due to his pain. For a long time I didn't allow myself anger about any of it. Then, I let myself get upset at his employer. The reason he was let go was ludicrous and they should be ashamed! And I felt a bit better. Then I let myself feel angry at the condition. And I am still angry that the doctors don't/can't/won't help him.

Today I let myself feel a different kind of angry. Today I was angry at him. I was angry that he never filed for short term disability when things got bad and instead tried to push through and provide for us. That got us really far. As soon as I admitted that anger, I instantly felt guilty. He worked his butt off until he couldn't anymore. He is in pain and this isn't a choice he made. He isn't lazy, isn't trying to freeload. He helps every time he can as much.as he can. What right did I have to be angry at him?!?

Then it hit me. I had EVERY right. Because I do not feel this way all the time. I do not berate him or judge him or try to make him feel bad because of his condition. But I am battling it too. And it will take its toll on me mentally instead of physically. If I try to push these feelings away out of guilt, they will only fester. I have to be okay releasing them so they don't hold any power over me, over him, or over us.

There's a lot you give up to take care of a spouse, especially on the bad days. That's for another post. Perhaps, we need to give up one more thing. The guilt. Give it up and respect that you have the right to feel that way, and by acknowledging the feelings you can prevent things from boiling under the surface.