Back to human!

This past week has been a blur. Friday night, the middle girl suddenly spiked a fever and was really lethargic. I was fine letting her rest until she also began saying her neck and head hurt. Meningitis is nothing to laugh at, so we took her in to be checked out. Turns out she had a simple viral throat infection. Let it run it's course, give her hot or cold foods to comfort her throat as needed, and give her plenty of chance to rest. Of course she woke up the next morning fine and acting like nothing had ever happened.

Later that same day, the toddler came down with same symptoms. At least we knew what was happening this time, so we focused on making her comfy and getting some snuggles where we could. We went to bed fully expecting our oldest to wind up sick by Sunday afternoon. When Sunday passed with no symptoms we counted our blessings and pat ourselves on the back for our good luck!

Enter Monday morning. Yep, the oldest had a fever. It seemed to break just a few hours later. No surprise, as she's probably got the strongest immune system of us all. We went to my chiropractor appointment and then planned to head straight home. That's when she got sick. In the hallway at the chiropractor. Thankfully he's a father himself, so it was taken in stride. We got her straight home and in bed. And cancelled her dental procedure for the next morning.

Turns out, she was fine by when her appointment would have started. But it was still a good thing we cancelled, because it was this Mama's turn! I spent Tuesday in bed unable to even lift my head off the pillow when I wanted to. No wonder I was getting so many snuggles! It was out of necessity! Wednesday I was still on the mend; not sick, but recovering and resting.

Thursday things were back to normal. A friend came over and tomatoes were boiled, peeled, chopped, mixed, and canned into 8 glorious pints of homemade salsa. Some neglected cleaning was done, real food was made for supper, story time before bed was resumed.

Friday morning I slipped in the bathroom and hurt my tailbone. It's likely a small fracture, but the more painful part was the inflammation to the soft tissues in my lower back, left hip/bottom, and my left shoulderblade area. I spent the day resting with an ice pack and taking the medicine my doctor recommended. I still wound up calling my husband home from work to take care of me, take the big girls to his mom, and help me with errands. My hero, that man. He not only did all of that, but he also took me out to eat at the place we met working almost exactly 11 years ago, AND stayed up late painting our big girls' bedroom and prepping to put down new flooring in there.

Thankfully this morning I'm still sore (especially the bone itself!) but with icy hot, ice, and just moving carefully, I'm okay. High pain tolerances are a good thing! I was so happy to be able to get laundry put away, make chili for supper, and just feel like a functioning person!

After such a week though, I am cautious to go into a new week without goals in place. This past week required lots of downtime, which can quickly become a habit, even when it isn't needed.

So, I'll post them here, as a way to make me feel a bit more accountable. My goals for the upcoming week:

-Can more produce, based on what's on sale and what we find at Farmer's Market on Thursday

-Get a homeschool schedule made, and turn in our late paperwork to the state (I was supposed to turn it in yesterday and was laid up too late to do so from falling- oops!).

-Organize the girls' room with the new flooring in.

-Buy paint for mine and the husband's bedroom.

-Take more pictures!

-Crochet. Diaper covers, camera strap cover, or handle covers for our cast iron. I don't care what; just something!

-Work with the girls on the mobile they're making for the baby.

-Keep up with daily tidying, laundry, and deep cleaning chores. This is always so much easier said than done!

-Reschedule the dental procedure for our oldest.

Summer is slowly ending...

Late summer family reunion at the lake. Bonus 25 week belly picture!

which means the best time of the year is just around the corner! I've mentioned that summer is not our favorite time of the year here in our home. No, we are definitely autumn kind of people! Bring on falling leaves, pumpkins, apples, crisp air, earlier nights and later mornings. A dear friend and I have a description for our favorite kind of weather: hoodie and flip flop weather. When you can comfortably wear both, it's the time of year to be outside enjoying all nature has to offer! Of course, this friend and I have both been known to extend our hoodie and flip flop uniforms into late winter when the ground is heavy with snow, so use your own discretion with this. ;)

Late summer and the approach of autumn also mean it is back to school time! This has different meanings for us this year. We've considered ourselves homeschoolers for the past year or two, but have fallen more in the unschooling camp. We have focused on playing, reading to our girls, and encouraging our now six year old's natural interests. This year, however, she is of compulsory attendance age. So we have paperwork to file with our state. This includes a vaccine exemption form, and a form laying out our curriculum choices. We bought a first grade curriculum, and as all our paperwork needs to be filed by the 26th, I'm spending this weekend setting out lesson plans, and getting everything ready to submit. Organizing a school shelf in the bookcase, making a daily schedule for the girls and I so we know what to expect when, and making a meal plan so I'm not going crazy while adjusting to "doing school".

We still are focusing on making learning fun. Lately, there's been a huge interest in learning about history. Which her definition of history is "old things, like Elvis." Well, sort of, sweetie! We're reading through the Little House series with her sisters. Last week we read chapter one of Little House in the Big Woods and she painted pictures of the corn husk dolls we're going to make as soon as we dry the husks from our corn we're getting at Farmer's Market on Thursday. A couple hours east there is a living history farm that we plan to visit. I'd like to wait until it is not only cooler, but closer to Thanksgiving time, since there is an Ioway Indian village site, and I'd like to incorporate that into our learning about Native Americans.

She's been scared of storms this summer. So when our zoo (whose membership includes free IMAX movies) began showing the IMAX screening of Tornado Alley, we took her so she could learn about the storms. Now, instead of the girls being scared of storms, they tend to just ask about how bad they'll be getting, and are secure in their knowing that a storm turning into a tornado is unlikely. That's not saying they never get scared. The storm that had 70mph winds and knocked power out for 13 hours was scary to them because the lights were out at night. But they knew if it were to develop into a tornado they could simply go to the hall closet and how to stay safe.

Learning fun w/Clifford and Iowa Public TV at the Iowa State Fair!

The end of summer is also bringing an end to our first gardening efforts. They, unfortunately, haven't been very fruitful. I blame this mostly on my asthma keeping me indoors and not tending to the plants as much as I should have, as well as on our alternately too dry and too wet conditions. That's okay. This was a year to learn, not to produce. I did learn that next year we'll do raised beds, as I wasn't a fan of containers. Once our tomato plants are all done with for the season, the girls are going to paint the buckets in autumnal colors and designs, and we'll put some autumn flowers (mums I believe? I'm not a flower person!) in them to decorate the front of the house. The herbs that survived the heat (sage and rosemary) will be brought indoors, and we'll probably add some others to grow inside over the winter.

This week we will begin canning. Whatever we get from farmers market, from our little tomato plants, and produce sales will be preserved to use in winter months. Next month we'll be canning lots of apples. Apple butter, apple jelly, pie fillings, etc. We're kind of nuts about apples. We'll be experimenting with using the shed to store squashes and such over the winter, too.

Even more exciting than planning school schedules, field trips, apple orchards, pumpkin patches, and Halloween is that the coming autumn brings the arrival of our new baby! Being the one giving up precious organ room and pelvic girdle comfort to house the baby's current uterine digs, I like to think this excites me the most. ;) This pregnancy has been simultaneously easy and incredibly difficult. When it's easy, it's very easy. But when the hyperemesis or symphysis pubis dysfunction decide to make it hard, it can be extremely hard! I am looking forward to labor, birthing, and mostly to having a new baby to snuggle and love on. Walking without waddling doesn't sound all that bad, either!

Yes, these "lazy hazy" days of summer are slowly dragging to an end. For many they passed by far too quickly. For us, they took their sweet time and are welcome to make an early exit! We are eagerly awaiting the hustle and bustle that autumn brings to our home. And to adding hoodies to our flip flop wardrobes!

I'm MELTING!!!

Beating the heat means clothing is optional and Netflix isn't.

Okay, not really. But, I DO live in the midwest. And if you're not a weather junkie like I am, that means I'm smack in the middle of the longest heatwave in a long time. It's been over a month now with heat indexes regularly over 100. Today it got up to 115. And our windows are mostly facing West. So from 2pm until around 8pm when dusk shows up, we could set our thermostat to 45 degrees and the house still wouldn't dip below 79 degrees. Which means we keep the thermostat up and just suffer through. Some days I wind up leaving the house with the kids to beat the heat. But lately even the local malls and such can't keep their a/c cool enough either. The forecast is saying we'll get a break after tomorrow. I pray these weathermen know what they're talking about!

Over the past month, we've come up with some ways to deal with the heat. Lots of indoor options, since as I posted about earlier, my asthma is not taking the weather well. The heat I can do, the humidity I can't. Obviously, lots of water is ESSENTIAL. Frozen fruit and smoothies are great cooling treats, too. I make green smoothies because not only are they an easy way to get spinach in the kids in great quantity, but they are yummy and cooling. I notice that by adding the greens in, we don't get quite as noticeable of a sugar rush from the fruit. Cutting mint from our plants and putting it in our water. Ice packs, cold baths, and foil on the windows have all been used, too. Tomorrow when we have to do laundry, I am planning to let the kids wash blankets with their feet by stomping them with a little detergent (Rockin' Green, so safe!) in the tub to agitate them in the cool water. It'll free up the washer to wash other stuff, too!

With being inside comes MAJOR cabin fever, no matter the time of the year! We have plenty of art supplies in the house, but none of that helps with active kids who can see their bikes sitting outside unused, swings sitting unswung, and outdoor space just begging to be filling with running and joyful screams of children playing! So, bedtime has been pushed back a bit. We are none too hungry when it is so hot out, so dinner isn't until after 8pm anyway. Once twilight hits (and the heat index is only around 100 instead of 110!), the kids get sent outside to run. They run, pull each other and the toddler in the wagon up and down the sidewalk, put the puppy on a leash and run him ragged, and just...act like kids.

Trying out her big sister's trike in the sunset light.

The kids are, like their dad and I, much happier with an autumn day than a summer one. Tomorrow heat index is still around 110. But, I think once peak sun is over, I'm going to find our hose, hook it up, and see if they want to play. At least until the water starts boiling. ;)

Parenting through the pain...

This pregnancy, over half way done with, has just reach the point where I feel anything that could even remotely be described as "comfortable." I'm not saying this to complain. Sure, I do my fair share of whining, I know I do! But, I really do love being pregnant. What a gift we as women have been given. To be charged with the task of growing, nourishing, caring for, and birthing new life! Yes, God certainly shows us His love in being charged with something so amazing, rewarding, and awesome!

However, since March, I've been dealing with hyperemesis. Hyperemesis is nausea and vomiting that results in at least 5% weight loss in the woman affected. I lost between 5-10% of my pre-pregnancy weight and am just now at a +1 lb for this pregnancy. Twice I found myself in the ER for IV fluids, and if I weren't so stubborn, I should have gone in more than that! Most days, getting out of bed was a huge task, managing to care for and feed the kids made me feel like a superhero! I'd be embarrassed to admit how much convenience food and TV has played a part in our lives these past 4 months.

Along with that, my anxiety disorder has been exaggerated by the pregnancy. Thankfully, once I was out of the first trimester, my doctor and I were able to work together and find a drug that helped. Not as much as my non-pregnant anxiety medication, but it does work. And I switched nausea medications as well, since a side effect of the one I was on is increased anxiety levels. The combination worked! I still have days where I need my medication, but in general I'm just fine without anything but maybe a few deep breaths here and there.

This past month, the flood has made the humidity worse. And combined with the warmest (who are we kidding? It is just downright HOT!) summer in recent memory, my asthma just isn't handling it well. When I got to the point this week where I was calling the doctor considering a second ER visit within a week because my rescue medication wasn't working, I knew things had to change. I'm now on two daily preventative medications. Singulair and an inhaled corticosteroid, Flovent.

Needless to say, I've been largely out of commission. I have barely seen friends, I haven't even really seen family all that much! We haven't done most of the usual activities we do in the summer. Trips to the zoo, picnics at the park, going fishing, etc. This spring and summer has seen us mostly housebound. Which is not at all the normal way of things for the girls and I. We're very go-go-go kind of people!

Thankfully, at home, I have my awesome husband to help out. But, he's got his own chronic health issues which have been plaguing him for about 15 months now. He's in constant pain, and while he manages to do what needs done, like me he's been just handling the basics. There are only two days a week where he's working in the mornings. On those five other days, we switch off getting up with the kids and sleeping in. Well, he sleeps in. I generally am unable to fall asleep after the kids are up anyway, but getting to just lay in bed in the dark quiet is like a vacation sometimes!

The hardest part isn't the physical toll our health issues have taken on either of us. It's been the fact that we can't be the parents we normally are! We both hate feeling like we're sitting on the sidelines, watching the kids play and grow and not being able to actively participate like we are so used to. We watch them ride their bikes up and down the street instead of my husband riding bikes with them. Trips to the park involve driving there and sitting at the picnic tables versus walking there and playing with them.

It affects them, too. How can it not? It means extra nights with grandparents, when mom and dad are too sick to give them everything they need. And while their grandparents are happy to help and they love the kids and the kids love them, it isn't the same. Then we get the "grandparent detox" when they come home. Which means the first 24-36 hours at home are spent easing back into home rules, and there is a lot of frustration and misbehavior involved. It isn't anybody's fault (not entirely, at least), but just a fact.

The past week or two they've been spending more nights away than usual. A two day trip to the amusement park (which we couldn't have done. Humidity, walking all over, being in the pool all evening, it would've taken all we had out of both of us!), spending the night when my asthma sent me to the ER then again when it almost did, a lot of nights away from home. And it shows. The oldest has taken to yelling angrily at her younger sister, and growling in frustration at her. Lots of hurtful words coming from her mouth and hurtful attitude flowing from her heart. The middle one is bouncing off the walls (which is to be expected since she doesn't have a great outlet for expelling all the energy three year olds have!), and is generally defiant in nature. It isn't malicious, it's just the nature of being three and very spirited! She wants to do things in her own time and her own way and doesn't want anybody to tell her how it is. And all of that is at a level about 10 times higher than usual right now.

Thankfully, we have an amazing family doctor. My asthma stuff is quickly getting under control thanks to the new medications I'm on. I think my lungs forgot what it felt like to not be bogged down with inflammation and mucus! And he's finding a combination of medications to help my husband's pain levels get under control. A small difference is already noticeable, after two days. We're also ALL switching ourselves over to a more plant based diet focused on real, unprocessed foods. Something that, as I mentioned above, has been seriously lacking from our house.

We've been eating the Standard American Diet and we're beginning to understand why there's such a health crisis in this country! My husband is likely doing a 5 day juice/raw veggie and fruit fast to jump start his health journey. I would LOVE to join him, but obviously won't be due to being pregnant. Instead I'll be just adding those things into my diet. And into the girls' diets. They even tried broccoli and rice this week; two things they swore up and down they hated! When the oldest asked me to make rice and beans again, I could have fainted!

In this entire process, though, we've made sure the kids know that we love them, that we aren't not doing things to punish them, etc. And we've tried to make special occasions out of things we CAN do. Family nights at home with movies and a special treat. More trips to the play areas at local malls. Lots of reading and cuddles. Making foods we don't normally make (homemade, from scratch pretzels earned this mama some serious cool points!). Helping in the kitchen. They are troopers, and have taken it in stride.

But the husband and I are saying no more. We've survived through the worst. But we don't want our family to survive, we want it to THRIVE. We're looking into joining a gym that has family programs. We can get much needed exercise (inside, away from the humidity for me!), and the kids can have classes to make friends and get energy out. I've found a tumbling class for them through the Y that they could take together, and progress together. It's way on the other side of town, but once a week we can make that drive. Most of the dance and gymnastic places I've called close to us are much more expensive, don't include gym membership for the husband and I, and have long waiting lists. We're starting back with at least once weekly zoo trips, and signing up for some of their upcoming homeschool series.

I'm excited to change the dynamic of our family. From being a group of people who all love each other and live together to being a tight knit family unit again. We've been there most of the 8 years we've been a family, we can get back there again.

Preparing for the worst...or maybe the best?

As you may have heard, the Missouri River is flooding. Record flood levels have been seen all along the river's path from Montana down to St. Louis. The waters are expected to stay high for months to come. Where I live, a levy protects our city. However, if that levy is breached or fails, we are predicted to have up to 10 feet of water in our city. TEN FEET of water. We are preparing as if this is going to happen, so that if it does we hopefully don't face losing everything.

Which means, while we aren't under immediate threat of an evacuation, it could happen at any time (we're learning of more issues with keeping the levy doing it's job every day it seems). So we are getting things ready to evacuate at a moment's notice. If we don't have to, we'll consider ourselves prepared and lucky. In this process, I'm seeing a lot of similarities to the way of life we're preparing for and the life we've been trying to accomplish. Funny how that works.

By the grace of God, we were given an old, small camper trailer this last spring. My husband and brother-in-law have been fixing it up, dreaming of vacations and fishing trips. It was a hunting camper, so thing bachelor pad times 100. In good shape, but in need of fixing up to be 'family friendly'. It was also used as a kid's playhouse (and still is, as our girls often ask to go play in the camper rather than their bedroom!). If an evacuation is necessary, this camper will go from more than just a fun project and "vacation home". It will BE our home until we find newer, more permanent living arrangements.

We started by pulling up the old carpeting. Thankfully there wasn't really any water damage on the floorboards, but there was a gap between the floor and the wall on one side. My husband fixed that, and my brother in law paid for new laminate wood flooring and trim to go in. It's so pretty! We also got a new roof vent with a fan to circulate air. We're still scouting Craigslist for a roof top air conditioner since my asthma does worse in warmer temperatures...but most of our travels are in the fall so we don't anticipate a big issue here. We need some new paneling on the ceiling where there was some water damage around the old vent, but that is easy to fix whenever we have time. A big, old metal water tank was removed to add more storage space, and if we decide we want a water tank in the future for boondocking we will add a plastic one beneath the camper.

For now the dinette table that converts to a bed is just used as a bed. Rather than the cushions for the seats making a mattress, we have a twin mattress down. We figure if we have to evacuate due to flooding, we will be in the camper for a while, and our bigger girls having a comfortable sleeping spot is more important than a table! We can eat with lap trays. It also lets us use the area under the mattress as extra storage.

Storage. If I thought trying to figure out how to fit the lives of 5 (soon to be 6) people into a ~900 sq ft house was a challenge, I was foolish. Try doing it with a 12' (my estimate is 12') travel trailer! We have built in storage under each of the dinette seats (basically each is the size of a toybox or storage bench), and under the full size sofa bed (it is pretty much a futon style built onto a box frame). There is a small closet with hanging space, and 3 pull out drawers. Then in the "kitchen" there are cabinets above the counter, 3-4 more pull out drawers (silverware sized drawers) next to the stove, and a storage shelf under the sink/countertop. And another small cabinet above the dinette. It's actually a lot of space for such a small camper! I'm grateful it already has an oven/stove combo. This one is older, but looks brand new inside the stove. And a new one that looks the same but with updated finishes (no dark brown appliances!) is $300!

I've figured out we'll need to store a Wonder Wash for washing clothes when boondocking, and washing diapers all the time. If we evacuate, we'll be using a stash of all flat style diapers with wool covers. And taking our 3 pocket diapers to use for overnights or covers while the wool is being washed and dried. This will easily store in the bottom of the closet, along with a simple tote to hold the diapers.

Kitchen supplies are as follows:
-Cast iron skillet and dutch oven (the skillet doubles as a lid, the dutch oven doubles as a pot)
-1 cafeteria style tray/plate for each person
-1 bowl per person
-1 reusable straw cup (the kind that look like a fast food cup) per person
-Silverware set for each person
-2 flannel napkins per person
-Metal spoon and spatula
-Cookie sheet
-Foldable lap trays to eat on (these are at the RV store)
-Kitchenaid mixer (stored in the dinette...not sure if we'll use it in the camper, but I don't want to lose it to flooding, either!)

Our clothes options will be cut down as well. Our older girls can wear the same size shirts, which will make it easy. I plan on packing 4-6 short sleeve shirts for them to share. They will each take 2 pairs of jeans, and 2-3 dresses each. They wear the same size underwear, too, which for now means it all gets thrown in a drawer together. Hubby and I will each take 2 pairs of jeans (for me jeans and one skirt), and shirts. The 15 month old, well, that's the tough one. Probably 3 dresses, 3 pants, and a LOT of shirts, since that's what gets the messiest! All of this should hang in the closet without issue, and the drawers will be used for underwear and socks.

One of the dinette bench areas has been designated as the girls' storage spot. So their special toys they want to make sure aren't flooded will be put here. As well as the six year old's computer school program (Fisher Price Cool School). Everyday toys and homeschooling books will be kept in a small bin under the table top where it's easily accessible. Shoes can be stored here, too. The other dinette storage and the area under our bed are for the things in the house that we don't want to lose but don't necessarily use everyday. Pictures. My grandfather's cowboy hat and fiddle (which I'm teaching myself to play). The broken laptops I need pictures off of. Our Wii and maybe our small 19" TV (so we have them to use if we are at an RV park with electric hookups) if there's room. Our important papers we need.

Then there are the animals. We have 2 dachshunds and our cat. The cat is the tricky one, because of the litter box in such a small area. I see us using one of the top entry cat boxes, and storing it in the cubby space under the counter. That way litter isn't always getting strewn about. We'll have storage in the cargo area of our SUV, too. In addition to the stroller, we'll be storing the dog and cat food there, so when they aren't eating it's out of the way.

Our everyday stuff- the android tablet (which we'll likely purchase a keyboard case for and use in lieu of a laptop in the camper), the nook (I won't be bringing my books with me, so this will be my reading source), a sewing kit, my crochet hooks/yarn, and my camera stuff will be in the cabinet above the dinette.

It sounds like a LOT of stuff in a small area. And really, it kind of is. But, it all has a purpose (not the pictures, hat or fiddle, but really preserving the past IS a purpose). And it is all dear to us and most will be used daily. If we have to live this way, is that really bad? We try, so hard, to simplify constantly. And it seems like we're always falling just short of it. Of course we can't get rid of THAT! But yet, when forced to look at what we could bring with us, suddenly "THAT" didn't make the list. So why do we need it in the house? We're taking the space available, and using it intentionally and wisely. The idea that we could not only live in such a space, but possibly thrive? It thrills me. Not that I want to be evacuated, face losing everything, and starting over. Especially not when I'm more than halfway through a pregnancy (and could be even further than that by the time something may happen!). But just seeing the possibility of a simpler life being not only possible but attainable is great.

And the stuff we're doing? It all fits with a lot of our self-sufficient/urban homesteading ideals. We're re-thinking and using things with less electricity (a small tablet vs a laptop, having the TV be put away for occasional use only), simplifying our entertainment (the fiddle and the nook, some cards vs a lot of books and magazines, video games, etc), and we can easily outfit the camper with solar electricity to power the chargers for what we'll be using when we need to.

Of course, we'll need to have somewhere available for showering (we could go full out and do dry showers, but really we won't be full-time travelers, we'd be parked somewhere until we find housing or could return to our house). And some of our sustainable urban homesteading dreams are impossible in a small camper. The only chickens in there will be the chalkboard rooster decals I'm putting on the floor for the kids to draw on! Our garden would be obsolete, though I'd likely bring my spearmint and rosemary plants since we do use them in our cooking.

Since we do eventually want to buy an acreage and maybe live in the camper while building our own place, this exercise in preparedness has, if nothing else, shown us that it is possible. Don't get me wrong, if this were long term living in a camper, we'd be buying a bigger rig! But it's nice to know that even if we have to leave our house, we can still have our home.

Trusting birth...

I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of the Trust Birth movement. I know there is a lot of controversy and drama surrounding it, and so like most things in the natural birth and parenting circles, I tend to stay on the sidelines with my mouth shut. I don't like getting pulled into drama. I hate it, in fact. And if the choice is perhaps missing out on a group of kindred spirits (or people I can't stand...) in exchange for not being privy to drama, I'll happily miss out.

But, being a home birther, I hear Trust Birth a lot, in both good and bad context. Home birthers are not all hippies pulled from an SNL skit. There are people who home birth but are just as ok with the idea of an elective c-section with no medical indication. Home birthers who don't like their local hospital otherwise they'd be in line for the epidural in their 38th week! And yes, home birthers who feel that any presence besides their own (including their partner, a midwife, a doula, or children) is detrimental to the birth process. We, like any group of people, run the gamut.

Me? I trust birth...to a point. TO me, it means I trust birth like I trust breathing. Keep in mind you are reading the blog of an asthmatic who has had very severe attacks. I trust my body knows how to breathe, but I accept it doesn't always do it like it should. Just like I trust that my body knows how to give birth, but I accept that it doesn't always happen like it should either. There are conditions and complications.

If I have an asthma attack, I use the resources at my disposal to remedy the attack. Sometimes that means natural remedies. I drink a glass of black coffee. Sometimes it means using my nebulizer here at home. And other times it means hauling my wheezing butt to the hospital because I know that getting my lungs under control is beyond what I know how to do at that point.

Similarly, I can give birth. I've done it three times, and done a fantastic job if I do say so myself. My body labors quickly and efficiently and I've been blessed to have no complications and easy recoveries. I have no doubts I can give birth a fourth time. But, I have breathed with no issues for the vast majority of my 26 years. It's just the few times I didn't that could've been a big problem.

I guess I'm saying that yes, I trust that my body knows how to grow and birth a baby. I also trust that just like I know when I need help during an asthma attack, I will know if I need help during birth. For me, the process would be different. I personally would not try home remedies first, then medicine at home, then hospital. If I were in labor and had anything that was *off* from my other births, I would not hesitate to transfer. I know this seems highly alarmist to some, and highly crazy to others who don't think a mother will always know.

I also trust that with birth, like anything else in life, there are no guarantees. If I consent to a hospital birth with all of the interventions that are in place to save mothers and babies, guess what? My baby or myself may still wind up seriously injured, ill, or dead. Maybe because we were in the hospital to begin with, and maybe because sometimes bad things happen that we have no control over.

At home, whether with an attendant or without one, same thing. Staying home takes away some risks, but (ducking from home birth advocate's rocks here) it does create others. If baby or I wound up injured, ill, or dead at home it may have been because we didn't go to the hospital. It may have been because for reasons unknown to us, it was just time.

It is a reality that, frankly, sucks. There are no guarantees in life. Life is full of unknowns and risks and benefits. It is scary. So how do we really trust anything? I think rather than trusting birth, or breathing, or any other natural process, we need to first trust ourselves. Trust in God, or whatever spiritual source you look to (if you do at all), that we have the ability to handle the unknowns that are thrown our way. That we are smart enough to do our research and prepare ourselves for what we face in life whether it be parenting, birth, our health, finances, relationships, any of it. And that we can look at the risks, look at the benefits of all our different options and know which has the risks that are acceptable to us.

So, maybe I don't trust birth after all. Maybe instead, I just trust...Me.

A month of challenge...

This month has been a month of challenge. And that's putting it as nicely as possible! April ended with me landing in the ER for IV rehydration because of severe morning sickness/possible hyperemesis. I've had this problem before in previous pregnancies, so it wasn't a surprise, but it is a lot harder to deal with when there are three kids underfoot. Last time it was this bad, I had no children, just 3 large dogs and a rabbit.

May began with my husband in the ER for what appeared to possibly be a heart attack! He had chest pain, his left shoulder/arm was in pain, and breathing was difficult. It wasn't, thank God, a heart attack, but a combination of bronchitis and pluerisy. His blood pressure, however, was dangerously high even after strong painkillers, so we followed up with our family doctor the next day. He prescribed a blood pressure medicine.

That medicine is working, but the dose that had been prescribed was too high and had dangerous side effect. My husband was completely out of it. He drove 10 miles from work to his mother's with no recollection of doing so! And promptly fell on her front porch, hitting his head on the metal porch swing. He was unconscious, and we're still unsure if he was unconscious when he fell, or if he was knocked out from the fall. He and I lean toward the first explanation since he injured his head hitting it and there was no indication that he had tried to break his fall.

That incident landed him in the hospital for a weekend (he fell on Friday evening) while they figured out if the head injury was serious, and observed him on a lower dose of the BP meds. He was sent home Sunday with pain medication for the head injury since it resulted in a bone bruise on his forehead.

Thursday somebody broke into his car and stole his medications. He had them in the car since he took them at work, and our kids have managed to figure out all child locks we've bought so far! This wasn't a big deal, but he had to run all the way to the doctor's with the police report, and then to the pharmacy before work that day. Made for a hectic morning for sure!

We also had a family crisis that is too personal to post about on a public blog right now. It has left me dealing with lots of trust issues, even to the point of wanting to move with no forwarding address and just start over elsewhere. Let our parents and family know where we are, but beyond that just drop off the grid. I hate that I let somebody's foolishness affect me like this, but I'm slowly working through it.

Through it all, though, I'm faithful that we'll make it out better and stronger for these challenges. We've all heard it said that God will never give us more than we can handle, and this month has convinced me that I am stronger than I thought I was. We are re-commited to each other as a family, and strengthening our family bond.

I'm ready for June. The arrival of summer brings with it a sense of busyness, love of time outdoors, and a fun, relaxed pace. It is also bringing this year our challenge to use as little artificial light as possible. After sundown we'll be using only lanterns, and no TV, cell phone internet, or computer. My sleep schedule, as well as the girls', has been awful and this is a good way to learn about energy conservation AND help reset our natural circadian rhythms.