The summer is drawing to an end. Thank goodness, I say! To say this summer has been challenging is putting it very, very nicely. Our family has had a rough go of things for a while now, but these past three months have easily been the most trying and difficult season I've experienced in my twenty-eight years. I won't go into details, because there is no point in focusing on and rehashing the negative. What I will take from these trials and challenges is faith that God is always there. Even when things have been so dark, when my prayers were prayed in gasps in between aching sobs, He has been there. Giving us the underlying calm. The promise that things were working for His plan, and that He would take care of us if we just had faith. This time has made me a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, and a better person. But, if I do say so myself, I am ready for a new season in our lives to begin!

This week I will be signing our two oldest girls up to attend public school. School started here on the 15th of August, but we had planned to homeschool them again this year. However, lots of discussion and prayer has led us to this point. The girls are so excited! I'm apprehensive, but excited for them. I admit a lot of my apprehension has to do with us not being morning people. At all. But we will adapt.

Tomorrow (well, today, actually), my husband will take the first step towards having a trial of a spinal cord stimulator. It's just a psychiatric evaluation. They need to make sure you aren't paranoid and going to be pulling wires out of your back because you think the government is trying to control you, after all. ;-) But, it is a big deal. Because once that is done, they can schedule the trial placement of the stimulator! Leads will be put into the spinal column using an epidural injection, and they will be connected to a transmitter on a belt. He'll have that for five days. The trial will be considered successful if he experiences at least a 50% reduction in pain. Some people experience more, but the doctor has told us 50% is what to look for reasonably. I am praying it is a success. If it is, they take out the trial leads, wait four weeks for the back to heal, and then place the permanent stimulator. It is just like the trial one, but the transmitter is implanted in the hip. This is his best option for pain relief.

Well, now, it's been a while since my last post! In some ways, so much has happened, and in other ways not much at all has changed.

We did not get our garden put in. I have a small container herb garden with basil, oregano, lavender, and rosemary. I may add to that since I can winter them indoors. And we have one lonely tomato plant in a large pot. Unfortunately my husband's medications were causing an interaction, and most of May was spent in bad days rather than good days as far as his health went. The whole month is kind of a blur, and any homemaking/homesteading efforts were put off to take care of us as a family first. We do have the chickens though. One, who remained much smaller than her fellow coopmates, did not survive the first heat wave of summer. I am afraid she was just too weak and small to deal with the temperature change. So we now have four hens. I am thinking of trying to find two more to add so we get back to our original six.

The Coop, and one of our clothesline poles.

The biggest thing in May was we have an official diagnosis! Not the constant "we think it is this," "no, wait, now it's this," or "we don't know what's causing the pain, but it'll probably be there forever." An actual, verifiable by tests, diagnosis. Praise God! He has what is known as Syringomyelia. Simply put, there is a cavity in his spinal cord (not column, but the cord itself) that is filled with cerebrospinal fluid. There is no cure for it, and we are unsure right now what caused it. Sometimes an injury could cause it, but neither of us can recall an injury between when he had an MRI that showed nothing, and when this pain started. Sometimes there can be something blocking the normal flow of fluid that can be the cause. This could be his case, but we don't know. Or it could be idiopathic in nature, and just simply be there. The orthopedist who discovered this described a surgery to drain the syrinx (the name of the cyst), and referred us on to a neurosurgeon. We meet with him July 5th. Twenty three days.

The emotional roller coaster of this entire journey is taxing to say the least. On my husband even more than me. I am constantly in awe of him for being strong through this and for his main concern being caring for the kids and I. Both of us are hopeful that this surgery can be done quickly, and that it will help at least get his pain to a manageable level. He has progressed to using a wheelchair outside of the house. Which is good because we can get out of the house and he can do stuff with us and not pay for it with days in bed in even more pain. Because he CAN do everything he used to, but it will knock him down for a long time afterward. Using the wheelchair has given us the chance to resume taking walks at night and going to the zoo.

Kelton (hubby) and Zane (6m) heading to the library.

In another case of God being so, so good to our family, we were able to get a mobility scooter. For free. I found one on Craigslist halfway between here and where I needed to drive to register for college. We need to figure out how to get batteries for it so he can use it. I am putting one of my camera lenses on eBay, and picking up my massage table from a friend this week to sell. If just one of those sells, it should buy both the batteries we need. Once he can use that, we can go even more places, and for longer walks. Not that I mind pushing the wheelchair when we go out, it is certainly getting these legs of mine in shape! But the hills at the zoo are no match for a wheelchair, so we have to stick to the main buildings...this would give us more freedom. 

Our girls are on a vacation with my mom and her husband. Tonight they were eating out in San Francisco. I am doing well at hiding my jealousy. ;) At a time when we can't provide them with a vacation, this is such a great opportunity for them! We are just happy that they are having so much fun, and waiting for them to get home. The house is far too quiet and I miss their chaos! Last week they had their dance recital. Well, the two big girls did, that is. They did so amazing! I love their studio, and they are both looking forward to returning in the fall. 

Reese (4), Myself, Zane (6m), 

and Anna-Lee (6, and grumpy from stage fright) before recital.

I am applying for full-time overnight work. Praying I find something quickly. Kelton has started the process of applying for disability since we don't know after he has this surgery how long it could take to heal or how much improvement he can even reasonably expect. I start classes on July 11th. I did manage to get all 3 classes (English Comp 1, Public Speaking, and Structure & Function of the Human Body) online. It's a very...serious course load, but I'm up for the challenge. Kelton and I are both committed to getting ourselves and the kids on a better schedule and routine, so I'm fitting homework into that so I have no excuses.

The next few months are going to bring so much change. Surgery. School for me. Our two oldest will begin public school in August. Kelton will continue to heal and progress. Last night we tried talking about where we saw ourselves in a year, two years, five years, etc. We couldn't do it. Because there is SO much that we just can't even pretend to know how to plan for. But, through it all, we have faith. Faith that God is good. We have to believe that He is using this all to better our lives. Already, though we have had very trying times, we've also had so many blessings. People in our lives at just the right times, and things happening that we could have never had happen without some divine intervention. 

Spring is well underway, and the warm temperatures are starting to hint at the rapidly approaching summer. Last weekend we moved the chickens out to the coop. They aren't quite sure of the outdoors just yet, but are venturing into the run more and more each day. I need to clip wings as I lift the top of the coop to refill their water and the younger chicks (who we got at the feed store at the beginning of March, so they're around 10 weeks) can now fly up and escape the coop if they want to.

Tomorrow we are building our raised bed. Our town has a "junk day" twice a year, where you can throw pretty much anything to the curb and the trashmen will pick it up. People from all over the metro area tend to go junking, driving around, seeing if people are throwing out trash that will become their treasure. Well, a lady down the road from us was throwing away a lot of old boards. Boards that are perfect for building our garden bed. We're not growing much this year. Some pepper and tomato plants. And herbs. That's pretty much it, honestly. But we have to start somewhere, I guess. With the stress of moving and DH's health stuff, a lot of our homesteading plans seemed to go to the wayside. I haven't even been able to get a clothesline up.

Speaking of my husband's health, he has applied for disability. That sounds so final. Almost like giving up. It isn't, we still try our hardest to cling to hope that one day he will feel healthy and normal again. And it seems that every step forward involves one or two steps back. I try to be strong, and stay positive. But that often involves bottling up my stress and worry to hide it from him and the kids. So once a month or so, it seems that the lid blows off the bottled up emotions and I take a couple of days and need to spend time crying, wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, for us, and feeling understandably angry at whatever it is that is causing this. Once I let myself feel those things and get it out, life starts to feel manageable and reasonable, and yes, hopeful again. It is the loss of hope I dislike the most about those times.

We know the disability process can be a long, arduous one, especially if he is initially denied and we need to appeal. We're prepared, and prayerful that it won't be necessary. The woman at our local office said that locally in the cases like his, it is common to get approved on the first application. And my dad and stepfather both got approved through the same office without appeals being necessary. But, they were much older when they applied, and while it shouldn't change things, I know that him only being 31 may make it harder to get approved.

Today he got a call about the MRI he had last week. The initial MRI was only on the lumbar spine. This one was on his thoracic and lumbar spine with contrast. The call today just said they found a disc issue in his thoracic spine and want him to come in Thursday morning to discuss it. While I generally think avoiding medical intervention is best, I am PRAYING they say there is something they can do that will improve his, and by virtue of being a family, all of our, quality of life. Because right now he doesn't have a lot of quality of life.

The stress is getting to me, and it is trickling down to the kids. They are often with grandparents because it is hard to take care of a husband in pain and the kids. And that is wearing on them, and on us. I hate how separated we are. I am starting a job, because we have to get some sort of income into the house. And my oldest has been progressively getting more and more...sad. There is more often than not a sadness about her. And that breaks my heart. She is such a joyous child, such an amazing soul, it hurts to know we are affecting her this way. She told me today she is afraid for me to work, afraid she'll never get to see me. Oh, that hurt my mama heart in such a big way. I am making a much larger effort to spend time with the kids. To really be present when they are around. There will be a lot more walks to the park, story times, and just quality time.

Right now, I am unsure of my school plans for the summer. I had to leave my spring classes. The daily stresses just did not do well with homework. I am hoping with this new job I have the money to drive down to the college and register for summer classes. I may not be able to get my financial aid in place in order to do that in time. In which case, I just start in the summer. If the disability is processed by fall, that will make it a lot easier, because it will be possible for me to not be working and just focusing on school. I really want to put my all into my classes, and get the most I can out of my education. Thankfully, by finding this program at the community college 50 miles away (and the program is offered online, so it isn't that I would constantly be driving to campus, only if I miss getting into an online class I needed to take in a certain quarter), I will be unlikely to need to take out student loans to go to school. The Pell Grant should easily cover both tuition and books. Such a blessing to think of graduating with no new student loan debt! Even if loans are necessary, the total cost of this program for tuition, books, and fees is less than one year of tuition only for the lowest cost local program I was looking at.

I feel like maybe things are at a turning point. From having so much constantly thrown at us, having bad news at every turn for months on end, to maybe having some hope that things are looking up. Finding out what the plan of action is on Thursday is going to be a big turning point. Being able to start my job will be another one. I arrived today to be told my background check wasn't in and I couldn't start yet. It would be very nice to start to have questions answered. To have uncertainties made certain. No matter what happens, though, we'll get through it the best we can. It's all we, or anyone, can do. Some would look at these past couple of years, and the past six months in particular, and ask how I can go through the things I have and still believe in God. And doubt has crept in here and there. But through this all, I have an underlying faith that His hand is guiding us. That one day, we'll look back on what feels like an incredibly dark time, and we'll see that it was working for good all along.

Doctors visit #8487202

Well, at least that's what it feels like! Yesterday's visit to the spine center was...a disappointment. There was confusion or something and the nurse that made the appointment for us from our doctor's office did not send hubby's medical records to the spine center. We have a copy of the MRI CD, so they at least got to look at that. But nothing else. Based on that, their options were limited as to what could be done yesterday.

The doctor said he does not believe the lipoma is the cause of the meralgia paresthetica (MP, the tingling, burning, stinging pain in hubby's outer thighs from hip to knee). He wants to get another MRI, ruling out anything higher up in the spine that could be causing it. He said if he were us he'd not do the spinal cord stimulator, because if the lipoma isn't causing the pain the stimulator won't help. Not have any sort of back surgery actually sounds like a relief. We called the neurologist we saw last month back about a nerve block injections. But the only problem is those generally involve steroids, and because of the lipoma he has to avoid steroid medications.

We've found a couple of case studies from here in the States and an information page from a health authority in the UK (I tend to like their research into painful conditions more after my struggles with symphysis pubis dysfunction while pregnant) that suggests pulsed radiofrequency can provide significant relief for some people. It is not invasive, no scary side effects like drugs, and can result in long term relief. It is definitely something we will be asking about with our chiropractor and doctors. Hubby has also called about getting a referral for physical therapy. In cases that have gone on as long as his and as severe, it isn't likely to relieve symptoms, but there's always that chance. Before PT can start, he's found some recommended stretches online and is doing those and starting to walk as well. Being in better shape can only be a good thing.

I'm also trying to get him to realize he has limitations right now. While this pain is there he needs to doing things in moderation. If he is doing his exercises each day, pick one other thing to do. Maybe it's cleaning something or mowing the lawn or playing outside with the kids. But just do that one thing and stop. Which is not him. Before this started a normal day involved mowing the yard then playing with the kids and a bike ride after dinner. He was active. Trying to re-train that mindset is, I think, almost as hard for him as living in constant pain!

So right now it is just working on getting records to the new doctor, working on finding a physical therapy place, exploring the radiofrequency option, and finding a new pace for daily life. Nothing is a solution or an answer, but I feel like he has a new level of peace with how things are going. A renewed desire to take care of himself and take his health back into his own hands. And whether or not that helps resolve the pain from the MP, it can only be a good thing.

Doctors and Disappointments...

A very hard doctor's visit today. We finally got a doctor to admit that the spinal lipoma is what is causing the pain. But instead of removing the lipoma, he said in no uncertain terms he wants to keep slapping bandaids over it and just trying to cover up the pain. First by trying a spinal cord stimulator. Adding MORE stimulation that would currently be required to control the pain because as the lipoma continues to grow it will cause pain in more areas. And if that doesn't work, or doesn't completely work, cognitive behavioral therapy to teach him to ignore the pain. Why is it such an issue to treat the cause, not just the try to cover up the pain? Isn't that what medicine is supposed to be about? Healing and treating abnormalities, not just making it to where we forget they are there or learn to deal with a subpar life?

In addition to the difficulty of hearing this, the doctor was very patriarchal to me. At one point, I was sure he was going to tell Kelton to learn to keep his wife quiet. Kelton has had very little sleep the past couple of weeks. During the day he is sluggish and in a fog. New parents know what I'm talking about, that fog of sleeplessness that has you running a few paces behind where you normally are. Because of my interests in medical stuff, working in a pharmacy, and helping care for my Ga-Ga and Pa, I am really good with remembering both medication names AND chronological details of illnesses. So when Kelton couldn't remember something today, I would answer for him. This has NEVER been an issue with any doctor, ever. Today I was told I needed to "stay quiet". I had actually gathered my things to leave until Kelton asked me to stay. It was very hard to honor his request at that point, but I did. He told the doctor I remembered these things better than him and that's why I was helping answer, because he may miss details or mess them up because the pain makes it hard to remember everything. At this point the doctor asked if he's been evaluated for mental retardation. I found this completely offensive. Not because there is anything wrong with someone who has some form of mental retardation, but because he was obviously tired. It honestly blew me away, and there will be a letter written to the medical board about how we were both treated today.

Our next step is the NE spine center. We are hoping that if we have enough consultations with enough surgeons, one will agree to remove the lipoma. Every medical study, every research paper we find say that in his case, removal is the way to go. Even scarier for me is that they all say that when symptoms caused by a spinal lipoma are as severe as Kelton's are, that delaying in removal can cause permanent damage. I can appreciate not jumping the gun into a surgery, but this is ridiculous. I'm wishing that spinal lipomas fell into the category of obstetrical surgeries, as OBs seem to be the most scalpel happy bunch around! And I find myself wishing that my surgeon I saw for my wrist were still in the country.

In addition to doctor's we are taking matters into our own hands. I have a friend who is studying herbal medicine right now. We are getting some tinctures and liniments from her to try, and I just placed and order for a pound of dried chickweed to use in a tea form. Chickweed is known to break of lipomas. My fear is that the topical stuff won't work as well as they do on other lipomas since this one is within the spinal column, but we're willing to try! I'd love to start the herbs, find his pain gone and have an MRI done that shows the lipoma is gone. It may not be a very Christian thing to do, but I think I'd have to send a letter to every doctor who said it couldn't be this lipoma causing the pain saying "NEENER NEENER!" ;) Childish, yes. Likely to be ignored? Definitely. But boy would it make me FEEL good!

The Girls!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

March brings spring, and with it many changes around here. I go tomorrow to finish registering for spring classes at the community college. I'm doing pre-requisites so I can apply to a radiology technician program. Classes start on Thursday. Yay procrastination!

On the 13th, Kelton sees a doctor who can hopefully offer us a surgical answer to the condition he has. We have a diagnosis of what the pain is called. But opinions have differed on what is causing it. And there are two different surgeries that can get rid of the pain. One gets rid of (what we believe to be) the root cause, and the other just stops the pain from traveling that far along the nerve path and can just cause permanent numbness versus pain relief.

On the 22nd we have to be out of this house. We can't move into the house we're renting until April 1st. So instead we are going to be moving our stuff to a storage unit my mom and her husband have graciously provided us with, and we will temporarily be living at my grandma's house. My dad and grandma are in Texas for the winter, so she is just turning her utilities back on a little early and we will have an entire house at our disposal. Beats having a single room or being split up. A friend and I are hoping the golf cart is in the garage so we can ride around their small town on the golf cart. Gotta have fun where you can get it! ;)

So 10 days and two moves. First from the house to the storage unit, then from the storage unit to the new house. Very hectic! We also just got five chicks, so they're part of our move, too! Thankfully they're brooder box keeps them contained, and they will stay in there until they are big enough to be in the coop full-time. We'll be buying a coop either from a friend who is selling hers or from the farm store.

The biggest change in March is our sweet little Lucy will be turning 2 on the 23rd! My little half-pint is talking up a storm. She loves her baby brother, following her sisters EVERYWHERE, and animals. Oh, does she love animals! The first store we went to for chicks didn't have the breeds we wanted, so we left. She broke free from me at the doors and RAN through the store back to the bins of chicks yelling "My chickie! My chickie!" She may have my flair for the dramatic, too. I can't believe that at this time 2 years ago I was in the midst of a horrible run of prodromal labor, willing the last of the pile of snow from our 3 blizzards that winter to melt, because I wasn't having my spring baby with snow on the ground! A few days before she was born, Kelton finally went outside and broke up that little patch of snow so our yard was snow free.

I'm praying this month brings answers for Kelton's health. What a burden that would be lifted! I'm praying the move(s) go smoothly, that our family and our chicks stay healthy through the stress, and that we all handle these many transitions with grace and love for one another even in the crazy hectic stressfulness of it all.