This month has been a month of challenge. And that's putting it as nicely as possible! April ended with me landing in the ER for IV rehydration because of severe morning sickness/possible hyperemesis. I've had this problem before in previous pregnancies, so it wasn't a surprise, but it is a lot harder to deal with when there are three kids underfoot. Last time it was this bad, I had no children, just 3 large dogs and a rabbit.
May began with my husband in the ER for what appeared to possibly be a heart attack! He had chest pain, his left shoulder/arm was in pain, and breathing was difficult. It wasn't, thank God, a heart attack, but a combination of bronchitis and pluerisy. His blood pressure, however, was dangerously high even after strong painkillers, so we followed up with our family doctor the next day. He prescribed a blood pressure medicine.
That medicine is working, but the dose that had been prescribed was too high and had dangerous side effect. My husband was completely out of it. He drove 10 miles from work to his mother's with no recollection of doing so! And promptly fell on her front porch, hitting his head on the metal porch swing. He was unconscious, and we're still unsure if he was unconscious when he fell, or if he was knocked out from the fall. He and I lean toward the first explanation since he injured his head hitting it and there was no indication that he had tried to break his fall.
That incident landed him in the hospital for a weekend (he fell on Friday evening) while they figured out if the head injury was serious, and observed him on a lower dose of the BP meds. He was sent home Sunday with pain medication for the head injury since it resulted in a bone bruise on his forehead.
Thursday somebody broke into his car and stole his medications. He had them in the car since he took them at work, and our kids have managed to figure out all child locks we've bought so far! This wasn't a big deal, but he had to run all the way to the doctor's with the police report, and then to the pharmacy before work that day. Made for a hectic morning for sure!
We also had a family crisis that is too personal to post about on a public blog right now. It has left me dealing with lots of trust issues, even to the point of wanting to move with no forwarding address and just start over elsewhere. Let our parents and family know where we are, but beyond that just drop off the grid. I hate that I let somebody's foolishness affect me like this, but I'm slowly working through it.
Through it all, though, I'm faithful that we'll make it out better and stronger for these challenges. We've all heard it said that God will never give us more than we can handle, and this month has convinced me that I am stronger than I thought I was. We are re-commited to each other as a family, and strengthening our family bond.
I'm ready for June. The arrival of summer brings with it a sense of busyness, love of time outdoors, and a fun, relaxed pace. It is also bringing this year our challenge to use as little artificial light as possible. After sundown we'll be using only lanterns, and no TV, cell phone internet, or computer. My sleep schedule, as well as the girls', has been awful and this is a good way to learn about energy conservation AND help reset our natural circadian rhythms.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Spring is here!
This weekend we started our garden. Sort of. We've never really done a garden before. So we are starting with heirloom seeds. This weekend we started our bell pepper and two tomato varieties indoors (brandywine and yellow pear tomatoes). More seeds will be started as the season progresses.
I am on the search for a large outdoor dog kennel/run. This will be used not for the dogs, but to add to our chicken run. That way the chickens and dogs can be kept outside together. We'd considered using the kennel for the dogs, and may still decide to do that, but its easier to call dogs into the house than round chickens up and herd them into a coop! They will still have plenty of chances to be loose in the yard, but our run right now is entirely too small for them to be in all day while the dogs are out.
The last part of our spring prep I'm not sure if its the changing seasons or the pregnancy causing it. I'm in a purging frenzy! In the past two weeks I've gotten rid of 5 black trash bags and 2 13 gallon trash bags worth of STUFF. Stuff we didn't need. Clothes, toys, papers, books, etc. Just clutter! And I'm still working on it. My vice is keeping magazines. I need to devote a couple hours to going through my basket of magazines and and purging them. And getting my pictures all in frames. We have a credit with the local home improvement store, too, so I see painting in our future! We'll likely start with our living room/kitchen and our bedroom. The kids rooms desperately need it, but they have to prove that they are done with the drawing on the walls before I expend the energy to fix their rooms up!
Hope to have lots of pictures of our spring progress to share in the future!
I am on the search for a large outdoor dog kennel/run. This will be used not for the dogs, but to add to our chicken run. That way the chickens and dogs can be kept outside together. We'd considered using the kennel for the dogs, and may still decide to do that, but its easier to call dogs into the house than round chickens up and herd them into a coop! They will still have plenty of chances to be loose in the yard, but our run right now is entirely too small for them to be in all day while the dogs are out.
The last part of our spring prep I'm not sure if its the changing seasons or the pregnancy causing it. I'm in a purging frenzy! In the past two weeks I've gotten rid of 5 black trash bags and 2 13 gallon trash bags worth of STUFF. Stuff we didn't need. Clothes, toys, papers, books, etc. Just clutter! And I'm still working on it. My vice is keeping magazines. I need to devote a couple hours to going through my basket of magazines and and purging them. And getting my pictures all in frames. We have a credit with the local home improvement store, too, so I see painting in our future! We'll likely start with our living room/kitchen and our bedroom. The kids rooms desperately need it, but they have to prove that they are done with the drawing on the walls before I expend the energy to fix their rooms up!
Hope to have lots of pictures of our spring progress to share in the future!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Shock and Awe
A week and a half ago, we got a big surprise- we're expecting baby number FOUR! This came as a shock since my cycles weren't regulated and I am still breastfeeding six to ten times each day. Its definitely a welcome surprise. We really have everything we need for baby, except for a few diaper covers that I plan to crochet, so I get to just relax and focus solely on growing this new life that's inside of me.
Pregnancy symptoms are few but noticeable. I'm very nauseous, especially before 10AM, and around midnight. I have to use the restroom a LOT. I'm exhausted all the time. As annoying as these sound, I am grateful for each of them. After multiple early losses, you learn to find comfort in any sign that your body is safely growing this particular baby. I'm 5.5 weeks, so these are about the only noticeable symptoms I could be having anyway. I start showing early, so am enjoying these next few weeks, as I'm normally in maternity clothes from week 12 or so.
After talking with my husband, praying, and talking to good friends, we are committed to the idea of birthing unassisted (UC; unassisted childbirth). This will be our third homebirth, and our second unassisted birth (the first was unintentional and the midwife was on her way). We knew right away that going anywhere else to birth wouldn't be smart for us. I am blessed and cursed by precipitous labors. Blessed because they're nice and quick. Cursed because they are often intense, and because it means if we choose to leave home for the birth we face the real possibility of a car labor. Which is something that even though we prepare for it (have an emergency birth kit in the van from 36+ weeks), we'd like to avoid. We don't live far from a hospital but would have to wait for hubby to get home from work, someone to get the kids, etc. And precipitous labor in and of itself does not justify to us the risks that come with getting induced just to ensure we're in a "safe" place for the birth.
We've had a hospital birth, an unintentional unassisted birth (our best birth thus far, even with the hardest labor!), and a midwife assisted birth. I labor best alone. Even in the hospital (my longest labor- six hours), I sent hubby to the main room while I was in the tub alone for the majority of active labor. Our first UC hubby was there with me for a lot of the labor. Baby was posterior until the very end and transition was long while she rotated to anterior. I needed his support. Hip squeezes, hanging off his shoulders, etc. But once she turned, I again preferred to space out and be alone. This last birth I was alone for the first half hour, one fourth of the total time I was in labor/birthing. The rest of the time my husband, the midwife, her assistant, and even our then 4 and 2 year olds were around. But I did have another 5-10 minutes alone in the bathroom at that time.
We both are educated, and will further educate ourselves, on childbirth. We'll also both be taking a neonatal resuscitation and CPR course. We plan to see the doctor we used for backup with our homebirths for prenatal care and if we feel its necessary to transfer. I'll likely rent or borrow a doppler to have around during the birth in case labor is longer than we expect, we can check on the baby.
Expect a few posts in the future dedicated to the pregnancy, but not a ton. This isn't a pregnancy blog. I will definitely be posting our maternity pictures when we do them. I am excited to do shots in the World War 2 pinup girl style along with some more traditional shots. I may also do some about our birth kit, hypnobirthing, and preparing to tandem nurse for the second time.
One of my favorite resources for information on UC is BornFree!, a site from Laura Shanley.
Pregnancy symptoms are few but noticeable. I'm very nauseous, especially before 10AM, and around midnight. I have to use the restroom a LOT. I'm exhausted all the time. As annoying as these sound, I am grateful for each of them. After multiple early losses, you learn to find comfort in any sign that your body is safely growing this particular baby. I'm 5.5 weeks, so these are about the only noticeable symptoms I could be having anyway. I start showing early, so am enjoying these next few weeks, as I'm normally in maternity clothes from week 12 or so.
After talking with my husband, praying, and talking to good friends, we are committed to the idea of birthing unassisted (UC; unassisted childbirth). This will be our third homebirth, and our second unassisted birth (the first was unintentional and the midwife was on her way). We knew right away that going anywhere else to birth wouldn't be smart for us. I am blessed and cursed by precipitous labors. Blessed because they're nice and quick. Cursed because they are often intense, and because it means if we choose to leave home for the birth we face the real possibility of a car labor. Which is something that even though we prepare for it (have an emergency birth kit in the van from 36+ weeks), we'd like to avoid. We don't live far from a hospital but would have to wait for hubby to get home from work, someone to get the kids, etc. And precipitous labor in and of itself does not justify to us the risks that come with getting induced just to ensure we're in a "safe" place for the birth.
We've had a hospital birth, an unintentional unassisted birth (our best birth thus far, even with the hardest labor!), and a midwife assisted birth. I labor best alone. Even in the hospital (my longest labor- six hours), I sent hubby to the main room while I was in the tub alone for the majority of active labor. Our first UC hubby was there with me for a lot of the labor. Baby was posterior until the very end and transition was long while she rotated to anterior. I needed his support. Hip squeezes, hanging off his shoulders, etc. But once she turned, I again preferred to space out and be alone. This last birth I was alone for the first half hour, one fourth of the total time I was in labor/birthing. The rest of the time my husband, the midwife, her assistant, and even our then 4 and 2 year olds were around. But I did have another 5-10 minutes alone in the bathroom at that time.
We both are educated, and will further educate ourselves, on childbirth. We'll also both be taking a neonatal resuscitation and CPR course. We plan to see the doctor we used for backup with our homebirths for prenatal care and if we feel its necessary to transfer. I'll likely rent or borrow a doppler to have around during the birth in case labor is longer than we expect, we can check on the baby.
Expect a few posts in the future dedicated to the pregnancy, but not a ton. This isn't a pregnancy blog. I will definitely be posting our maternity pictures when we do them. I am excited to do shots in the World War 2 pinup girl style along with some more traditional shots. I may also do some about our birth kit, hypnobirthing, and preparing to tandem nurse for the second time.
One of my favorite resources for information on UC is BornFree!, a site from Laura Shanley.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Granting myself Grace...
As a mother, we often have to give our children the room to fail. To have a shortcoming and be ok with not being perfect at everything. As a Christian, I call it granting grace to my children. I do it when they can't clean up messes by themselves, or when they need extra help with something. But, we rarely extend this grace to ourselves.
I am not a housewife at heart. Cleaning and meal plans are not second nature to me. I often beat myself up about thid. I SHOULD keep a tidy house effortlessly, and be able to whip up a month worth of yummy freezer foods in 30 minutes and bake bread from scratch twice daily. I mean, any good housewife can, right?
But the thing I am the worst at? Clothes management. I don't save clothes for the younger kids as the older ones outgrow them. I am saving a few things for Reese since she is so close in size to Anna-Lee now, but as a rule I don't save clothes by size and season. We just buy clothes from the thrift store and sales and consignment places as needed. I spend around $2-400 a year on clothes for all 5 of us. Hubby and I of course keep clothes since we don't have growth spurts to worry about!
I've decided to grant myself some grace in this area. Its ok to not save and store every article of clothes in case we can use it again down the road. By donating it, I'm passing it on to another thrifty mama for her little ones. I'm letting myself stay sane, save space (we have no room to store totes of clothes even if I were so inclined), and I remind myself that its ok to not be perfect. Now, I've got 30 minutes and 25 meals to cook if you'll excuse me.
Where can you stand to give yourself a little grace? Maybe you beat yourself up about sleep issues with your baby. Its ok to have a crappy sleeper. Eventually they outgrow it, or are old enough that a doctor will listen and help. Maybe your body doesn't want to let go of those last few pregnancy pounds...curves are HOT! Be gentle with yourselves, and extend the grace we as mothers give to everyone else to yourself once in a while. You'll be glad you did.
I am not a housewife at heart. Cleaning and meal plans are not second nature to me. I often beat myself up about thid. I SHOULD keep a tidy house effortlessly, and be able to whip up a month worth of yummy freezer foods in 30 minutes and bake bread from scratch twice daily. I mean, any good housewife can, right?
But the thing I am the worst at? Clothes management. I don't save clothes for the younger kids as the older ones outgrow them. I am saving a few things for Reese since she is so close in size to Anna-Lee now, but as a rule I don't save clothes by size and season. We just buy clothes from the thrift store and sales and consignment places as needed. I spend around $2-400 a year on clothes for all 5 of us. Hubby and I of course keep clothes since we don't have growth spurts to worry about!
I've decided to grant myself some grace in this area. Its ok to not save and store every article of clothes in case we can use it again down the road. By donating it, I'm passing it on to another thrifty mama for her little ones. I'm letting myself stay sane, save space (we have no room to store totes of clothes even if I were so inclined), and I remind myself that its ok to not be perfect. Now, I've got 30 minutes and 25 meals to cook if you'll excuse me.
Where can you stand to give yourself a little grace? Maybe you beat yourself up about sleep issues with your baby. Its ok to have a crappy sleeper. Eventually they outgrow it, or are old enough that a doctor will listen and help. Maybe your body doesn't want to let go of those last few pregnancy pounds...curves are HOT! Be gentle with yourselves, and extend the grace we as mothers give to everyone else to yourself once in a while. You'll be glad you did.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Hybrid Schooling
We are a homeschooling family. A homeschooling family who, as of January 25th, will have one daughter in public kindergarten. I still consider us a homeschooling family. We are doing hybrid schooling. Everything can be hybrid these days. Cars are gas and electric. Diapers can work both as cloth or disposable. Why can't schooling be a hybrid of classroom and homeschooling?
Our decision is one of both convenience and personality. A-L went in for her speech evaluation and she will need to be at the school for speech therapy 2-3 times/week. We do live close to the school, but the fact is that it would mean getting the other kids both dressed and ready to go twice a day 2-3 times/week when they don't need to go anywhere.
As we were leaving, I saw my first grade teacher, who is now the kindergarten teacher. We stopped to talk to her, since I've stayed in touch with her. A-L has been asking to go to Kindergarten. I asked the teacher, Mrs. W, about the possibility of Anna-Lee being in her class. She said they could definitely have her in class. We then went down to the room so A-L could see it. We talked a while, and Mrs. W told me to be sure to come down and help out with class parties, field trips, etc. whenever I could. We even discussed the possibility of us hatching some eggs in the class. She also made sure to tell me if public school wasn't working out, just let her know and if she could change anything she would. Otherwise don't feel bad about pulling her out. She also offered to get me in touch with other homeschooling families in town. Love this woman.
A-L and I also butt heads with my teaching style and her learning style. I think her and Mrs. W will be a better fit right now.
Which is where the hybrid comes in. I will continue to work with her here at home. Especially on science and history stuff. And I will work alongside the lessons she's learning at school with Mrs. W on other subjects. That way, she can be learning it while we work on finding a teaching/learning style that suit our mother/daughter dynamic. Best of both worlds. Hybrid schooling.
Our decision is one of both convenience and personality. A-L went in for her speech evaluation and she will need to be at the school for speech therapy 2-3 times/week. We do live close to the school, but the fact is that it would mean getting the other kids both dressed and ready to go twice a day 2-3 times/week when they don't need to go anywhere.
As we were leaving, I saw my first grade teacher, who is now the kindergarten teacher. We stopped to talk to her, since I've stayed in touch with her. A-L has been asking to go to Kindergarten. I asked the teacher, Mrs. W, about the possibility of Anna-Lee being in her class. She said they could definitely have her in class. We then went down to the room so A-L could see it. We talked a while, and Mrs. W told me to be sure to come down and help out with class parties, field trips, etc. whenever I could. We even discussed the possibility of us hatching some eggs in the class. She also made sure to tell me if public school wasn't working out, just let her know and if she could change anything she would. Otherwise don't feel bad about pulling her out. She also offered to get me in touch with other homeschooling families in town. Love this woman.
A-L and I also butt heads with my teaching style and her learning style. I think her and Mrs. W will be a better fit right now.
Which is where the hybrid comes in. I will continue to work with her here at home. Especially on science and history stuff. And I will work alongside the lessons she's learning at school with Mrs. W on other subjects. That way, she can be learning it while we work on finding a teaching/learning style that suit our mother/daughter dynamic. Best of both worlds. Hybrid schooling.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Anna-Lee
My sweet, wonderful Anna-Lee. She is five. How, when did that happen? I feel like she was just born. That sounds so cliche, but boy how its true! I wanted to do a little post introducing the world to this little girl who I proudly call myself mama to.
She's grown into an awesome child. But, to challenge me, God has blessed her with a personality like her mother's. This causes us to butt heads, and often. She is inquisitive, scatter-brained, silly, shy, serious, bossy, quick to anger, but also quick to love and to nurture. She's sassy, and smart beyond her years.
To her downfall, she has speech issues. This has made me overly protective. She's such a delicate soul. And she feels so fully and passionately (also like her mother!), that I have been terrified of her getting made fun of for how she talks. I had planned on sending her to school for preschool through 3rd grade before homeschooling. But each year I've found a reason not to. And it is because I was scared of her getting made fun of or bullied by other kids. As the victim of bullying myself, I would do anything to keep her from that.
Some of her favorite things are dinosaurs, astronomy, princesses, dolphins, snuggling with baby Lucy and Reese, and spending time on "family dates". She CRAVES time with other kids, which now that we are out of my crazy time at work, I will be setting up as much as I can. We are looking for dance lessons, and perhaps something like 4-H, Girl Scouts, or Youth Group.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Reflections of a laid back Mama
I admit, in most areas, I'm extremely type A. I've always been high strung
In massage school, I hated getting massages because I couldn't relax during them. Having to lie still, trying to relax, it was impossible to not sit an think of all the better, more productive ways I could use my time. Mothering, however, is where I'm surprisingly relaxed and go with the flow.
9 months of a horribly colicky baby didn't phase me. Ok, the car screaming got to me. But not enough to keep me from wanting another before the colic had ended. Breastfeeding challenges happened, and were dealt with. I didn't fret over them or stop breastfeeding, I went with it and waited for things to work themselves out. A lot of nights with my oldest were spent walking her in the sling singing an endless loop of "Jesus Loves Me". I just figured that's what I signed up for when I decided to have a baby and went with it. If Anna-Lee had a cold or cough, we went to the chiropractor and waited it out. I don't think I called the doctor's office once with her except when she got a sinus infection at 10 months.
When Reese was born, I thought I'd need more routine and structure, since we had none. But it kept pretty much the same. Transitioning from one to two was easy for me. It through me for a loop when, at 15 months old, Reese put herself on an early bedtime schedule. Its still a struggle since the rest of us are night owls! But it was still a go with the slow sort of thing.
This year, my laid back approach to parenting has been thrown test after test. I have had some awful nursing struggles, some that made me understand how easy it is for Similac and Enfamil to convince struggling mothers that their products are just as good as breastmilk. I had postpartum anxiety that caused a lot of issues. Funny that something I'm so laid back about leaves me with an anxiety disorder, eh? Then, Joeygirl broke her leg when I was alone with the kids at the park during a high anxiety day. Even then, I simply threw her on my back, walked home, and loaded the kids up to go to the ER (I thought she'd simply hurt her ankle). While she was still in her cast I had to call poison control when she somehow found my bottle of imitrex missing 2 pills (no pills were missing, I forgot I'd taken some on vacation ).
Tonight I almost went high strung. Anna-Lee, who is five, was in bed. Her and Joeygirl go to bed together each night and talk until they crash. Tonight they were also playing around. My husband and I often sleep in our jeans for warmth. Especially me now that it's cold. I must've had change in my pocket because Anna-Lee comes screaming down the hallway that she has a quarter stuck in her throat.
I turned her over, patting her back as hard as I could. She was coughing and screaming. I swept my finger in her mouth to see if I could get it. Nothing. Tried the Heimlich. Nothing. She's still screaming, coughing, gasping, but it seemed like breathing was getting difficult. I couldn't tell if it was her being scared or that she was starting to choke. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911. As they were paging the squad, she coughs up the quarter. I stop them from sending the ambulance and lose it.
I'm shaking, crying...and hugging her like crazy. 15 minutes later she was getting sent back to bed. And as I sit and am readying myself for sleep, I'm so grateful she's ok. Seeing your own mortality is scary; seeing even an ever so brief glimpse of your child's mortality is downright terrifying. And I'm also thankful God has blessed me with such an out of character laid back approach to parenting. I know how high strung me is in an emergency. I freak out and freeze. Anxiety and fear immobilize me and I turn into a blubbering fool. Imagine if I did that when I was alone and faced with a child emergency. Being a laid back mom has allowed me to see my job as a parent with a clear head. Its allowed me to find great joy in the good parts, and tool with the punches in the bad times in a way I haven't been able to do with anything else.
Not that I don't get frustrated or lose my cool. I do. But far less than with anything else. We're all going to worry about our kids. Its what mothers do. But I wish I could tell moms to relax. Its not rocket science. Without medical need, how many wet or dirty diapers your baby has, how often they nurse, or how regimented their schedules are doesn't matter. Babies eat when hungry or thirsty. They sleep when tired, and don't sleep when overly tired. There's nothing wrong with helping them sleep better...but some kids are awful sleepers. And its ok. They'll work it out in time. If you're freaking and stressing it doesn't help you or them. A relaxed mama makes it so much easier for both of you.
So breathe. Its ok if you're not perfect. None of us are. And its okay to have a baby that's up a million times a night, who nurses more than what textbooks say they should...even if this is your baby, they're still a "good" baby (I hate when people ask if L is a good baby, by the way. WTF is a bad baby?!?). Relax. Take a deep breath. Do some yoga, read the book of your choice, light a candle, say a prayer, maybe down a shot. Whatever works
Just know you'll be ok. And don't forget to remember to slow down. If you're so tightly wound its too easy to miss all the awesome things that kids bring to your life everyday.
In massage school, I hated getting massages because I couldn't relax during them. Having to lie still, trying to relax, it was impossible to not sit an think of all the better, more productive ways I could use my time. Mothering, however, is where I'm surprisingly relaxed and go with the flow.
9 months of a horribly colicky baby didn't phase me. Ok, the car screaming got to me. But not enough to keep me from wanting another before the colic had ended. Breastfeeding challenges happened, and were dealt with. I didn't fret over them or stop breastfeeding, I went with it and waited for things to work themselves out. A lot of nights with my oldest were spent walking her in the sling singing an endless loop of "Jesus Loves Me". I just figured that's what I signed up for when I decided to have a baby and went with it. If Anna-Lee had a cold or cough, we went to the chiropractor and waited it out. I don't think I called the doctor's office once with her except when she got a sinus infection at 10 months.
When Reese was born, I thought I'd need more routine and structure, since we had none. But it kept pretty much the same. Transitioning from one to two was easy for me. It through me for a loop when, at 15 months old, Reese put herself on an early bedtime schedule. Its still a struggle since the rest of us are night owls! But it was still a go with the slow sort of thing.
This year, my laid back approach to parenting has been thrown test after test. I have had some awful nursing struggles, some that made me understand how easy it is for Similac and Enfamil to convince struggling mothers that their products are just as good as breastmilk. I had postpartum anxiety that caused a lot of issues. Funny that something I'm so laid back about leaves me with an anxiety disorder, eh? Then, Joeygirl broke her leg when I was alone with the kids at the park during a high anxiety day. Even then, I simply threw her on my back, walked home, and loaded the kids up to go to the ER (I thought she'd simply hurt her ankle). While she was still in her cast I had to call poison control when she somehow found my bottle of imitrex missing 2 pills (no pills were missing, I forgot I'd taken some on vacation ).
Tonight I almost went high strung. Anna-Lee, who is five, was in bed. Her and Joeygirl go to bed together each night and talk until they crash. Tonight they were also playing around. My husband and I often sleep in our jeans for warmth. Especially me now that it's cold. I must've had change in my pocket because Anna-Lee comes screaming down the hallway that she has a quarter stuck in her throat.
I turned her over, patting her back as hard as I could. She was coughing and screaming. I swept my finger in her mouth to see if I could get it. Nothing. Tried the Heimlich. Nothing. She's still screaming, coughing, gasping, but it seemed like breathing was getting difficult. I couldn't tell if it was her being scared or that she was starting to choke. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911. As they were paging the squad, she coughs up the quarter. I stop them from sending the ambulance and lose it.
I'm shaking, crying...and hugging her like crazy. 15 minutes later she was getting sent back to bed. And as I sit and am readying myself for sleep, I'm so grateful she's ok. Seeing your own mortality is scary; seeing even an ever so brief glimpse of your child's mortality is downright terrifying. And I'm also thankful God has blessed me with such an out of character laid back approach to parenting. I know how high strung me is in an emergency. I freak out and freeze. Anxiety and fear immobilize me and I turn into a blubbering fool. Imagine if I did that when I was alone and faced with a child emergency. Being a laid back mom has allowed me to see my job as a parent with a clear head. Its allowed me to find great joy in the good parts, and tool with the punches in the bad times in a way I haven't been able to do with anything else.
Not that I don't get frustrated or lose my cool. I do. But far less than with anything else. We're all going to worry about our kids. Its what mothers do. But I wish I could tell moms to relax. Its not rocket science. Without medical need, how many wet or dirty diapers your baby has, how often they nurse, or how regimented their schedules are doesn't matter. Babies eat when hungry or thirsty. They sleep when tired, and don't sleep when overly tired. There's nothing wrong with helping them sleep better...but some kids are awful sleepers. And its ok. They'll work it out in time. If you're freaking and stressing it doesn't help you or them. A relaxed mama makes it so much easier for both of you.
So breathe. Its ok if you're not perfect. None of us are. And its okay to have a baby that's up a million times a night, who nurses more than what textbooks say they should...even if this is your baby, they're still a "good" baby (I hate when people ask if L is a good baby, by the way. WTF is a bad baby?!?). Relax. Take a deep breath. Do some yoga, read the book of your choice, light a candle, say a prayer, maybe down a shot. Whatever works
Just know you'll be ok. And don't forget to remember to slow down. If you're so tightly wound its too easy to miss all the awesome things that kids bring to your life everyday.
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