Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 2: Guilt

Guilt. It is a feeling familiar to those who are married to someone with a chronic condition. So. Much. Guilt. You feel guilty that they miss out on things that you know they would enjoy doing with the family. You feel guilty that you still need their help when they need to do nothing some days. Guilt for feeling resentful or angry at their condition, even though you know they feel the same. Guilt for considering it tour fight too, when they have to fight so much harder and be so much stronger than you to make it through the worst times. Guilty for being frustrated in the new and tumultuous dual role of spouse and caregiver. And worst of all, you feel guilty for being well (because both of you being in pain and/or suffering is somehow so much better).

I just want to take a second to shout what I hope you already know: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! Absolutely nothing. All the emotions above are normal. Feeling guilty is, too.

You feel a bit like a single parent, but with the frustration of having a partner still in the home. The maddening thing is that you remember the helpful person they can be and a part of you never let's go of that expectation of helpfulness. Even if your rational brain knows they can't do something, you see them there and your subconscious doesn't see their limitations, just that you're handling way more than they are.

The hardest guilt for me has been feeling guilty about my anger. When my husband lost his first of two jobs his condition has cost him, there was a bogus reason, but we both believe it was due to the decline in performance due to his pain. For a long time I didn't allow myself anger about any of it. Then, I let myself get upset at his employer. The reason he was let go was ludicrous and they should be ashamed! And I felt a bit better. Then I let myself feel angry at the condition. And I am still angry that the doctors don't/can't/won't help him.

Today I let myself feel a different kind of angry. Today I was angry at him. I was angry that he never filed for short term disability when things got bad and instead tried to push through and provide for us. That got us really far. As soon as I admitted that anger, I instantly felt guilty. He worked his butt off until he couldn't anymore. He is in pain and this isn't a choice he made. He isn't lazy, isn't trying to freeload. He helps every time he can as much.as he can. What right did I have to be angry at him?!?

Then it hit me. I had EVERY right. Because I do not feel this way all the time. I do not berate him or judge him or try to make him feel bad because of his condition. But I am battling it too. And it will take its toll on me mentally instead of physically. If I try to push these feelings away out of guilt, they will only fester. I have to be okay releasing them so they don't hold any power over me, over him, or over us.

There's a lot you give up to take care of a spouse, especially on the bad days. That's for another post. Perhaps, we need to give up one more thing. The guilt. Give it up and respect that you have the right to feel that way, and by acknowledging the feelings you can prevent things from boiling under the surface.

Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 1: History

The past six weeks have been a roller coaster. And the ride, it isn't over yet.

(NOTE: This is the first in a series of posts. I am mostly going to be writing about being the spouse/partner of someone with chronic pain. Some posts may be about my experiences with my own chronic pain. However, while chronic, my pain is not severe or debilitating, so I try to be more "out of sight, out of mind" with it.)

Thanksgiving weekend, Kelton was in SO. MUCH. PAIN. Pain so bad the narcotic pain relievers he has been on for almost two years were not TOUCHING the pain. He was scared. I was scared. In the Emergency Dept. they did an MRI. He still had the herniated discs we knew about; but he also had a lipoma we were unaware of. The radiologist that read his report said he thought epidural steroid injections could help.

Since then Kelton has received the 3 injections he can receive for the year. For a bit after the second injection, things seemed GREAT. Kelton even managed to, for the first time in almost two years, stop taking narcotic drugs completely. He hasn't had one in almost two weeks. Last Thursday, he had his third injection. Yesterday, things started spiraling in reverse.

After doing some lifting, nothing extreme, and certainly nothing that would have even been a blip on his radar before this all started, Kelton's leg pain came back. It was mild yesterday, but by today it's like he has never had an injection. Another injection isn't an option. He had a consult and first adjustment with my chiropractor today. Apparently the lipoma is causing spinal stenosis. And any time he strains his back, the pain will return as long as the lipoma is there.

As long as the lipoma is there. Those words both terrify me and fill me with hope. They are scary, because what if the spine specialist we have an appointment with next week (God, please let him last until next week with this pain.) says surgery isn't an option? What if they say it is? Surgery is scary, but the idea of him living with this pain forever is even scarier. We thought the injections were going to be our magic potion, but they weren't. What if they do a surgery and it doesn't work either? At this point, optimism is hard to come by. This pain has cost him two jobs, cost us our house, and cost him the chance to be the father he wants to be (not that he isn't an amazing father, he just misses being active with the kids and they miss playing with daddy!). We're not sure how much more we can stand to lose.

Next Wednesday we meet with the spine specialist (unless we can happen to get in before that, which we're trying to do). I am praying, hoping, and crossing my fingers that they look at the MRI, meet with him, and say "Yes, you're a great surgical candidate. Let's start this process and get you out of pain!" But a part of me, the natural pessimist in me, is saying "Nope. Not going to happen. They are going to say there's nothing they can do, here are some pills to keep you numb forever." I hate to think like that. That is so far from what I want for him. It's even further from what he wants for himself. I see him struggling. I see him getting down on himself; talking about how he is a bad husband and father because of his pain. But that isn't him, he is not his pain. He's still the amazing, strong, wonderful person I fell in love with. And I have to have faith that God will provide us the doctors and resources we need to get him back to feeling like that person.

Welcome, 2012!

It will never be 2011 again. Never. That is awesome. 2011 was a year full of trials. We were pushed to our limits individually, as a couple, and as a family. And we came out the other side stronger, happier, and more sure of the strength of ourselves, our faith, our marriage, and our family. No matter what, the six of us are in this together, and God will provide. Those two simple facts are what carried me through some very, very dark moments. And I'm sure they'll continue to do so in the years to come.

2012. This year will be a year of change. Work and change. I will be returning to school to get my CNA and (God willing) begin working out of the home. My goal is to find a position that lets me work 3 overnight shifts a week so I still have 4 days a week at home with my family. Kelton gets his last in the series of 3 steroid injections to shrink the spinal lipoma on Friday. Hopefully within a month or so of that injection he'll know how effective it was and be able to look for work.

We will be moving. Same town, but we're going to be renting a home from family. The house we'll be in is larger, has a second bathroom, and we can still have a garden and chickens. The wild turkeys that frequent the front yard should mask the noise anyway. These suburbanites don't know the difference between a bawk-bawk and a gobble-gobble. ;) This is a bit of a scary change, but it is also one that definitely feels like a move in the direction that we need to go.

Personally my goal is to get myself back into shape. I don't feel healthy. I was just getting to a place of starting to feel healthy again after Lucy's birth when I got pregnant with Zane. Between the hyperemesis, SPD, and broken tailbone I did virtually no exercise while pregnant with him. The goal was really to move as little as possible to keep myself from hurting or throwing up. I'm actually not too concerned with the number on the scale, but I am extremely in need of toning up! I have made an initial goal of doing 500 jumping jacks a day. I can do only 50 at a time right now before getting winded, but I know that I have to start somewhere. Eventually I'd love to be running again. Trying pilates is on my "to-do" list as well.

I don't know exactly where this year will take us. But I am excited for the journey!

Oops & DPP 12/22/2011

I fell off the December Photo Project bandwagon. 11 days with no pictures. Hubby's legs have been off and on, and there was some drama with whether or not he would be able to get the second injection he needs (praise to God, he gets it tomorrow!). That and daily life with 4 under 7 made posting a bit more of an effort than I anticipated!

But, here is today's photo. I had been up all night last night with the toddler and then today she refused a nap and I had to deal with nap fighting during making supper while Kelton was at class. So when he got home he helped clean up the house. And when the baby got fussy he didn't ask me to take him or anything. He told me to sit down and take a break...and grabbed the Ergo so he could tend to Zane AND keep cleaning. There's something about a man who cleans. But a man who is wearing his baby AND cleaning? Be still, my beating heart. <3

DPP 12/10/2011: Mama Beauty

I had wanted to do professional maternity pictures with each of my pregnancies, but this was the first time I'd been able to. I am quite happy with how they turned out.

DPP 12/9/2011: Birthday

Joey, showing her collection of "learn to read" books for her Tag, Jr.

We have a birthday or holiday at least every 2 weeks from October 12 to January 19. (And people wonder why we homeschool in the summer and take that time off instead!) Today was Miss Joey's birthday. She turned four. My silly, crazy, sweet, loving baby is now a big girl. She's so full of life. And witty. Oh, she has us in stitches all the time. Today isn't just Joey's birthday. It was my Ga-Ga's (my mom's mom) birthday as well. Joey was born in Ga-Ga's house, on her birthday. And she reminds me of her in so many ways.

We didn't have a big birthday party. We'll do that in a month or two when the holiday craziness slows down. But we did have my mom and her husband, my mother in law, and one of my brothers in law over. We let her open gifts, had pizza, and cupcakes. She loved it. Simple. Low key. Surrounded by those that love her most (except my dad, but that's because he has to be in Texas right now). It was a good day for a birthday.

DPP 12/7/2011: Homemaking.

Fresh made bread. Crocheting Lucy's blanket for her Christmas present. Simple pleasures of home on a cold, snowy December night.