Reflections of a laid back Mama

I admit, in most areas, I'm extremely type A. I've always been high strung
In massage school, I hated getting massages because I couldn't relax during them. Having to lie still, trying to relax, it was impossible to not sit an think of all the better, more productive ways I could use my time. Mothering, however, is where I'm surprisingly relaxed and go with the flow.

9 months of a horribly colicky baby didn't phase me. Ok, the car screaming got to me. But not enough to keep me from wanting another before the colic had ended. Breastfeeding challenges happened, and were dealt with. I didn't fret over them or stop breastfeeding, I went with it and waited for things to work themselves out. A lot of nights with my oldest were spent walking her in the sling singing an endless loop of "Jesus Loves Me". I just figured that's what I signed up for when I decided to have a baby and went with it. If Anna-Lee had a cold or cough, we went to the chiropractor and waited it out. I don't think I called the doctor's office once with her except when she got a sinus infection at 10 months.

When Reese was born, I thought I'd need more routine and structure, since we had none. But it kept pretty much the same. Transitioning from one to two was easy for me. It through me for a loop when, at 15 months old, Reese put herself on an early bedtime schedule. Its still a struggle since the rest of us are night owls! But it was still a go with the slow sort of thing.

This year, my laid back approach to parenting has been thrown test after test. I have had some awful nursing struggles, some that made me understand how easy it is for Similac and Enfamil to convince struggling mothers that their products are just as good as breastmilk. I had postpartum anxiety that caused a lot of issues. Funny that something I'm so laid back about leaves me with an anxiety disorder, eh? Then, Joeygirl broke her leg when I was alone with the kids at the park during a high anxiety day. Even then, I simply threw her on my back, walked home, and loaded the kids up to go to the ER (I thought she'd simply hurt her ankle). While she was still in her cast I had to call poison control when she somehow found my bottle of imitrex missing 2 pills (no pills were missing, I forgot I'd taken some on vacation ).

Tonight I almost went high strung. Anna-Lee, who is five, was in bed. Her and Joeygirl go to bed together each night and talk until they crash. Tonight they were also playing around. My husband and I often sleep in our jeans for warmth. Especially me now that it's cold. I must've had change in my pocket because Anna-Lee comes screaming down the hallway that she has a quarter stuck in her throat.

I turned her over, patting her back as hard as I could. She was coughing and screaming. I swept my finger in her mouth to see if I could get it. Nothing. Tried the Heimlich. Nothing. She's still screaming, coughing, gasping, but it seemed like breathing was getting difficult. I couldn't tell if it was her being scared or that she was starting to choke. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911. As they were paging the squad, she coughs up the quarter. I stop them from sending the ambulance and lose it.

I'm shaking, crying...and hugging her like crazy. 15 minutes later she was getting sent back to bed. And as I sit and am readying myself for sleep, I'm so grateful she's ok. Seeing your own mortality is scary; seeing even an ever so brief glimpse of your child's mortality is downright terrifying. And I'm also thankful God has blessed me with such an out of character laid back approach to parenting. I know how high strung me is in an emergency. I freak out and freeze. Anxiety and fear immobilize me and I turn into a blubbering fool. Imagine if I did that when I was alone and faced with a child emergency. Being a laid back mom has allowed me to see my job as a parent with a clear head. Its allowed me to find great joy in the good parts, and tool with the punches in the bad times in a way I haven't been able to do with anything else.

Not that I don't get frustrated or lose my cool. I do. But far less than with anything else. We're all going to worry about our kids. Its what mothers do. But I wish I could tell moms to relax. Its not rocket science. Without medical need, how many wet or dirty diapers your baby has, how often they nurse, or how regimented their schedules are doesn't matter. Babies eat when hungry or thirsty. They sleep when tired, and don't sleep when overly tired. There's nothing wrong with helping them sleep better...but some kids are awful sleepers. And its ok. They'll work it out in time. If you're freaking and stressing it doesn't help you or them. A relaxed mama makes it so much easier for both of you.

So breathe. Its ok if you're not perfect. None of us are. And its okay to have a baby that's up a million times a night, who nurses more than what textbooks say they should...even if this is your baby, they're still a "good" baby (I hate when people ask if L is a good baby, by the way. WTF is a bad baby?!?). Relax. Take a deep breath. Do some yoga, read the book of your choice, light a candle, say a prayer, maybe down a shot. Whatever works
Just know you'll be ok. And don't forget to remember to slow down. If you're so tightly wound its too easy to miss all the awesome things that kids bring to your life everyday.

My sweet Joeygirl. This was taken last fall. I was pregnant and we were with a friend downtown playing. This picture just captures her goofy wonderful side. Reese means enthusiastic. We chose the right name. Next kid will be Serenity or Tranquility or something like that. She lives with passion and vibrancy.

Advocacy is not condescending.

By now, most of you have heard that the makers of Similac have recalled many of their containers of powdered baby formula because it contained beetle parts that were making babies sick. This has caused a series of condescending remarks from breastfeeding supporters over various social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Let me be clear; being thankful you breastfeed and are not affected is NOT condescending. I'm strictly referring to things like saying "that's what you get when you give your kid crap from a can" or insinuating that parents brought this on themselves. No, they didn't.

To them I say, shut up and show some respect! Yes, the company is awful. They give out unwanted samples timed to coincide with major growth spurts to undermine breastfeeding. They violate the WHO code at every turn. But, it isn't them who is most affected by this recall. Its the babies who use their formula and the parents of those babies. Who have, by choice or necessity, chosen a different way to feed their infants. And now they find out that choice could make their baby sick. Some of them are finding out the formula they have can't be used and now can't figure out what how they are going to afford food for their babies before the company begins dolling out refunds.

And all you can do is make jokes about how your breastmilk is bug free? These families are hurt by this recall. Some may already feel guilty that they couldn't breastfeed and had to use formula. Do you really think making them feel worse supports breastfeeding? Nobody is worried more about this recall than these parents. So let's kick them while they're down, shall we?

Yes, breastmilk will never be recalled. Yes, its best for a baby to be exclusively fed. Its also best for every family to have a home of their own, be independently wealthy, and to have a smaller carbon footprint. Best, unfortunately, doesn't always happen. Instead of taking the "I'm better than you because I breastfeed my kid," route let's lobby for more women to donate their breastmilk to milk banks. If that happened, providing baby's who aren't breastfed with donor milk wouldn't be cost prohibitive. Let's educate women on overcoming basic nursing problems so formula isn't so appealing in times of trouble. Work to make formula the 4th choice is should be (breastfeeding from mom, pumped milk from mom, donor breastmilk, formula) instead of the second.

But, before we can do any of that and be taken seriously, we have to stop acting like we're the catty cliques in high school. We're mothers and women. We're powerful. Our voices have weight to them. Let's use them for the greater good, shall we?

Autumnal Bliss, or something like that...

Autumn is fast approaching. The best time of year, at least in our family! Cooler weather means we get to bring out the hoodies. The favorite weather is when we can comfortably wear a hoodie, jeans...and flip flops. The air is warm, but with a nice crispness to it. September to November is our busy time. One of the best things about homeschooling (for us) is that we can plan our fall activities and travels without worrying about the hassle of pulling A-L out of school.

I found an ad on Craigslist for organic apples from a local farm. Bruised ones for making applesauce and cider are only $3 a bushel. I plan on getting at least a bushel of those and a bushel of non bruised ones for making pies, drying into apple chips, etc. There will be lots of apple-y goodness for us this fall!

At the end of the month is River City Roundup. I love going and letting the kids see the farm animals, play in the kids area, etc. And I love all the cooking demonstrations, crafting displays...and seeing the animals. Every year someone is selling lab puppies. And every year I have to remind myself that I don't really care for labs. Because I do care for puppies. This year, however, I'm hoping someone is there showing Silkie chickens. And looking to sell them after the show. Because I want a Silkie so bad. Cute little puffballs! And hubby doesn't care about the chickens because they are the easiest pets ever.

Then comes mine and hubbys anniversary. The end of September is ten years since we began dating. The beginning of October is seven years of marriage. Our celebrations will not be together, however. He's going to a 49ers game at the end of this month with his brother and cousins. I'm going with my little sister to Colorado to a Hanson concert at the beginning of October. Together we'll have dinner and take a long drive to nowhere. Its been our favorite thing to do for 10 years, why change it now?

October. Lots of pumpkin carving, costume planning/making, backyard bonfires, walks outside, playing in leaves, and going for drives. We soak up as many autumn days as we can. Since we took a long camping trip in the spring, we won't be taking one this fall. I plan to borrow a tent from a friend and have some backyard campouts. Which we can do I n fall and not get eaten to death by bugs!

I'm working on getting my laptop adapter ordered. So expect more posts on our autumn adventures complete with pictures! First up will be adventures in canning!

"Bad Mom" Confessions

1. I loathe Dora the Explorer. Dora is banned in our house. My oldest is very aware of this, and has apologized for watching it at other's houses (which I don't care about, so long as I don't have to watch it). I don't have issues with teaching kids, or kids tv in general. But I do take issues with people yelling as their normal speaking voice. Billy Mays as well as the entire cast of Jersey Shore grate the same nerves within me as Dora. Plus, my mother ran a home daycare. The half hour or so of TV time was generally reserved for Dora or Blues Clues. I got played out on these shows long before I had the desire to be a parent. Other shows I don't allow include SpongeBob, Yo Gabba Gabba (we listen and dance to real music, thanks), Angelina Ballerina, Max and Ruby, and the vaccination episode of Sid the Science Kid.

2. I don't like that certain food brands, books, and experts are trying to convince and encourage me to hide the healthy benefits of food to my kids. We are not close to being a super healthy household. But I'm not trying to hide the benefits of healthy foods OR the pitfalls of junk food. If I always hide veggies in other foods, how are my kids supposed to know they love them? If I make yummy chocolate brownies and hide that they are full of healthy zuchinni, they go into the world only knowing they like brownies. Completely oblivious that they also like a healthy, good for them vegetable. Be honest! Offer different presentations of foods kids aren't crazy about, but don't lie about their presence. My oldest has proclaimed her hatred of broccoli for a year or so now, but loves broccoli soup. Knowing the soup has broccoli gives her a push to try it in other ways.

3. I don't buy into the idea of pushing learning on kids. Stimulate your baby's mind with these DVDs! Teach your newborn to read! If you don't, how will they get the early acceptance to Yale before their 10th birthday? Maybe they won't. And maybe they won't want to. We are definitely closer to unschooling than prep school on the education spectrum. We try to help the kids learn by fostering their own learning goals and interests. I've heard people say that kids won't learn without structure and an adult telling them what to learn and showing them how. Maybe for some kids that's true. But like most things, learning isn't a one size fits all thing. My 5 year old loves letters. She knows how to write all of the letters (and asked to learn how to write without pressure from us), and regularly sits with a notebook asking us to spell things so she can learn to write words. She asks what words in books, magazines, and signs are. We tell her, and she works on sounding them out and memorizing them. She is going to attend homeschool classes at the zoo because she's asked to learn more about animals. Expanding on her natural desire to learn has worked well for us, and I'm not embarrassed to say that we haven't gotten any acceptance letters yet, and my 5 month old is illiterate.

Music and Pictures and Midwives, oh my!

This past week, I took my Lucy to her second concert. Her first was a Casting Crowns show at 2 weeks old. This was a heavy metal festival that I took my little sister to. It was 4 bands, and we were there 6 hours (4 hrs of music). All outdoors. Now at the indoor concert we used earplugs and had a folded receiving blanket around her ears. She was also was in the Ergo, which added a couple layers of a strong canvas over her ears as well. Well, for this outdoor concert I didn't do any of that. We were outside, and chose a spot on the lawn that wasn't close to the stage and was to the side of the speakers to allow for sound dispersal. Frankly, the Hanson concert I had attended (without baby) earlier in the month was much, much louder than this metal show was due to the sound distribution and our location on the grounds.

I did my research before taking a baby to a concert. My oldest went to a show just shy of 2 months. We always make sure if we are in an enclosed location that proper ear protection is used. My own mother suffers from hearing loss, so its not something I am cavalier about. I do not feel after the research that I've done that I am putting my kids through any kind of danger.

So, you can imagine my surprise when my little sister, Lucy, and I were accosted at this show. We were on a quilt on the lawn and using the quilt as needed to block the sun from Lucy (same as we would've been doing in the backyard at home had we not been at the show...it was a nice day after a week of hellacious heat indexes). An older woman started yelling at me, saying I had no business bringing a child there (she was there with her own, albeit preteen, child), and that a mother needed to learn to make sacrifices and not be so selfish as to harm their child for their own pleasure. Wow. I calmly explained it would be more harmful to leave my child away from my lactating breasts and that I have three happy, healthy, thriving children so I think I'm doing just fine raising them as I see fit. Visually unsatisfied with my lack of emotional response, she huffed off angrily. My little sister asked why I didn't get angry AT the woman, because I was visibly upset after she walked off.

I explained to her an important lesson. One that the lady, and many need to know. Some people will ALWAYS need to belittle others to boost their own ego. They need to point out the flaws of others in order to overlook their own insecurities. Perhaps she was having a bad day and trying to cut a seemingly young, new mother down was going to be her easy fix to get her jollies and feel better. But, the lesson is this: be confident in yourself and do what you know is right for you and yours, and those people can't get to you. They can try, and they will try. And yes, it upsets me when they do simply because I don't like being exposed to rudeness, ignorance, and immaturity. But as long as you are 100% ready to stand by your choices, its best to not let those people ruffle your feathers. It gives them what they want and encourages them to spread their toxicity to others. Make the cycle stop with you. Maybe that lady simply moved on and was mean to someone else. But maybe, just maybe, not getting a rise out of me made her think before attacking someone else. I hope it did.

_____________________________________________

Lately, the need for creative expression has become more important to me. I haven't really done anything creative since my oldest was born some 5 years ago. This is a lifetime for me. Before that I played piano, journaled (not online, but pen to paper), took pictures, acted a little, sang in chior, etc. I had been using massage therapy as a creative outlet. But my wrist issues had that on the backburner as well. I was stagnating. This pent up creative energy was threatening to explode out of me like a volcano bubbling beneath Earth's surface.

I bought a $1 composition notebook. I've written 3 short poems and a few lines of stream of consciousness writing. All of it fit on one page. But it calmed the bubbling lava within me. Then, I busted our my camera. Shooting candids of the kids. Playing with focus, aperture, and cropping. Its made me feel renewed. I'm currently doing a photo shoot for my little sister. We got some amazing nature shots today, and will be heading downtown to do some in an urban setting later this week. Its great to have a creative outlet I am passionate about and that comes naturally to me.

___________________________________________________

Speaking of passions; I've decided its time to actively persue a midwifery education. Its time. I've looked at my options. I am vehemently uninterested in persuing a degree in nurse midwifery. There are amazing CNMs out there, and we need more great ones. But I'm not supposed to be one of them. I'm still figuring out my personal feelings on licensure for non-nurse midwives. I can see good and bad in both options. That being said we don't have a lot of education options to begin with, and less where I live, an area currently unfriendly to DEMs and C/LPMs. Of the distance options, there were two that I could realistically consider, given the financial and travel obligations. I'm still in the process of deciding for sure, but am currently leaning towards a program in Michigan.

This isn't my only option. Another local 'birthy' mama who I feel honored to call a friend is using self directed learning to work toward practicing as a DEM. I have so much respect for her. I know the discipline self teaching takes. And I just don't have that in me to give right now. I need the structure and guidance because otherwise I become too easily overwhelmed and wind up never making forward progress.

Because of the fact that neither of these schools participate in financial aid programs, I will be paying out of pocket. and working full-time in order to do so. Its a sacrifice, but one I feel compelled to make. Women need options for providers who will give them, their bodies, and their babies the respect they deserve during such a vulnerable, miraculous time in their lives. Especially women in our area. I feel excited and honored and humbled knowing that in just a few years I may be that option for some of these women.

Homeschooling By the Seat of Our Pants

This summer, like last, was spent debating whether or not we would enroll Anna-Lee in our local public school. In the end we kept her home, but didn't really do any official homeschooling. We watched a ton of PBS shows, she played on her Fisher Price Computer Cool School, and we practiced capital letter writing and letter/number recognition. But we weren't particularly consistent or structured. This was, in large part, due to me being miserable and pregnant.

So this year we were faced with the same dilemma. Anna-Lee is a smart kid. She has amazing potential. But I was feeling a lot of outward pressure to send her to public school. To give myself a break. To get her the speech therapy she needs. After all, I had both of the kindergarten teachers when I went to school, so wouldn't this be the best year to give public school a try?

I thought Kelton felt this way. Mostly because of his lack of opinion! He's the strong, silent type and it isn't always a good thing. Last night, after going through the motions of getting ready to enroll her, I asked Kelton if he felt as bad about the decision as I was feeling. To my utter surprise, he was!

So we are homeschooling! We have decided to not go with a formal curriculum. We have more of the add-on discs for her computer, and will be doing lots of activities on it with her. We also plan on utilizing our zoo's homeschool classes, going to the children's museum, etc. Our goals for the year are to get her writing upper and lowercase letters (and using them in the correct places), learning phonics and reading, and really work on numbers and counting. This is an area she has demonstrated a weakness. I don't think these goals are particularly lofty or unrealistic, nor are they so attainable as to leave her (or us!) bored and unchallenged.

I'll be posting more about our adventures in homeschooling as the year progresses. Right now I'm just excited a decision has been made and set into motion!