Insomnia Mama

Dreams for the new homestead

2012-02-12T18:27:00.004-06:00

We move in about 5 weeks. I need to get started purging and packing! Mainly, I am dreaming of how to make the new home a homestead.

1. Chickens

Anna-Lee and Nugget, Summer 2010

One of the first things we have planned is getting chickens again. Our hens that we had were all sold off or killed by the basset hound we had (she killed the last one 3 weeks before dying, a troublemaker up to the end!). It has been almost a year now since I have had an egg worth eating! Chickens are our at the top of our priorities once we move.

That's not to say we don't have decisions to make! Do we build a coop utilizing the wooden swingset we have in the back yard? Or do we do a dog house set up? Enclosed run is a must, but so we use a chain link dog run? Or build something out of wood and hardware cloth/chicken wire that we can move to different parts of the yard?

Then there's the biggest decision: buy chicks or started pullets? We will only have 3-4 laying hens tops if we stick with large fowl birds. Kelton says chicks. Not only because they're cute and fluffy, but so they can bond with us and the kids before they're pecking size. I lean towards started pullets since they freeload for far less time, and we get eggs sooner. I do understand his reasoning, but my argument is the bird in the photo above. Nugget was an 18 month old hen when we got her. I don't know if she was bought as a started pullet, or rescued from a commercial egg setup. She came to us from a small farm about 50 miles away. She was part of a trio, but the other two were too flighty (common in Leghorns) for us to keep in our backyard. Nugget, however, was the lap dog of chickens. She jumped for her food, followed us all over, and sat in our laps when we were outside enjoying chicken TV. She ate spiders around our house, and gave us a huge egg every single day. Best. Chicken. Ever. I think a started hen from a breed known for their friendliness would have no problem adapting to us fairly quickly.

2. Gardening

I tried to garden last year. I really did. I had a container garden with some tomatoes, a pepper plant, and some herbs. They did well, even with our unusually HOT summer that was muggy with little actual rain. However, I was pregnant with hyperemesis. Combined with a streak of hail and wind storms (bonus to container gardening is that we can throw the garden into the camper when there are 80 mile per hour freak winds!) and my inability to get out and tend to things like I should, the garden failed. Sure, I got some great herbs to use in cooking, and a few tomatoes, and maybe two peppers. I'm still very much a noob when it comes to this gardening thing. I think we're going to try square foot gardening, or maybe stick with the containers. It's something Kelton and I need to figure out before we move. I'm checking to see when I should be starting seedlings, though most will be bought as starts. As we pick the fruits (and veggies!) of our labor, canning and preserving will be part of our gardening journey.

3. Continue on the DIY Train

We are do it and make it yourself-ers. I make my own toothpaste, and our own laundry detergent. We tried a homemade dishwasher detergent, but it definitely left a film, so still searching for the perfect 'recipe'. My Ga-Ga had clothesline in the backyard, and the posts are still there. Our clothesline was something that was a selling point with this house for me, so we'll be getting some line and putting those posts to good use again. Once we are done with freezing temperatures and snow on the ground, I'll be drying outside as much as possible. I'm wondering if it's legal to have clotheslines visible from the front of the house. Right now the line is in just about the most inconvenient spot in terms of having to lug baskets of wet clothes! Moving it to the side yard would be much easier on the back. Since we don't dry underclothes (aside from diapers, which don't count!), the embarrassment thing isn't a factor.

Other things that we want to learn to do for ourselves include sewing, making more of our own health and beauty products (soaps, lotions, etc), brewing our own rootbeer (I say I want to brew my own beer, but I'm not a fan of beer at all!), and I may look into wine making. With the herbs from our garden, I'm planning on making some loose tea blends for myself as well.

On our way.

2012-01-30T20:39:00.002-06:00

Today we had a follow up with our family doctor to discuss how the most recent pain medication change and the rather uneventful appointment with the neurosurgeon where he said he couldn't do anything. I think we were both anxious and were both a bit scared today. Just unsure of where things could go, what we were going to be told, that we were going to hit yet another dead end. Or at least what would feel like another dead end.

That isn't what happened. We got a referral to a pain clinic to discuss different treatment options, as well as the possibility of perhaps seeing if he is a candidate for a spinal cord stimulator. Our doctor is also conferring with a neurologist to see if they think a nerve conduction study can tell us anything new that we don't already know. Some medications were switched around yet again, but that's nothing new at this point.

All in all it was a rather uneventful visit. A bit of waiting for this and waiting for that. And maybe once we have those visits we will have a plan in place besides "wait and if this happens we do that." I will say, I am grateful we have the doctor we do. He is so amazing and great at explaining everything, working with Kelton, and really being part of a team with us versus just treating us like children and doling out rules to follow. In short he talks to us and with us, not at us. When you're dealing with something as frustrating as a trying to control chronic pain, the right provider can make all the difference in the world.

In seven weeks we move. To my Ga-Ga and Pa's old house. This house is probably the closest I've felt to a home in my entire life. I never liked my house as a kid. I was, and to an extent still am, convinced it was haunted. Maybe not by ghosts, but there is a very negative energy in that place. And I am not the only person who has lived there and felt it. But Ga-Ga and Pa's is just warm and happy memories of life with them. I've lived there before, in 2007 and 2008. It is a bit sad, but also good in a way. I'm excited to settle in and do some decorating and making it a home.

I will also start school soon. I'm doing both pre-requisites and other classes that boost my chances of being admitted to a local radiology technician program. I will apply next year to start in their fall 2013 class. I haven't been in any sort of school since 2009 when I left massage school for good. I am a bookworm. I am a learner. I love to learn. I live to learn. The idea of being in school again thrills me! I am already geeking out thinking of notes and books and studying.

We are enrolling Miss 6 year old into an online public school. Basically we are enrolling in another district in our state (I admit I don't even know WHERE in Iowa this town is!), and she will attend their online virtual academy. My husband and I are still her learning coaches, but now the work is submitted to the district and they take care of sending us curriculum, the testing, the official paperwork and all of that. It is a good compromise for us. In the meantime, we are still working on Hooked on Phonics. We've been doing Kindergarten, but she's made such leaps and bounds that we're looking at upping her to the First Grade curriculum soon. I'm so proud of her! The love of learning has clicked with her and watching her figure things out around her is so special. When we go to a restaurant I make her read the name of the dish she wants instead of pointing to the picture to tell me what she wants. And she does it! Seeing her face beaming with pride when she discovers a new word is just the best feeling.

Miss 4 year old, on the other hand, is a very frustrating pupil! She is always gogogogogogogo and can't just sit down for even 5 minutes to try to learn letters. At four she isn't able to recognize all of her letters or even tell you the sounds of all of them. Which is very different from her sister, who knew the letters but struggled putting them together. She has a huge vocabulary, far above most four year olds. She just has no interest in writing or anything else involving fine motor skills. We still get pages full of scribbles. It's definitely a struggle trying to figure out HOW to catch her attention, but it's a challenge I welcome.

Miss 1 year old is adding more and more words to her vocabulary each and every day. She understands more, too. And loves having a baby smaller than her to dote on. At 21 months she is starting to work on potty training. Lots of accidents (I will miss having all wood floors when we move for this reason), but she cleans up after herself, and knows it's an "oops."

Mr. Babyman is 2 months old. He was the grumpiest grump ever to grump, but after two weeks of chiropractic care he is now a smiling ball of happiness. He is really good at supporting his own weight on his belly and propping himself up on his arms. He loves his sisters, loves naked time, and loves it when we shake his legs back and forth. The kid smiles with his entire face. From forehead to chin, it is really over the top and so cute. We couldn't have asked for a better baby.

All in all, we don't know where life is headed. There are still quite a few big things up in the air and changes in the near future. But it feels like we are finally on an upswing. And that feels good.

Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 2: Guilt

2012-01-26T15:50:00.002-06:00

Guilt. It is a feeling familiar to those who are married to someone with a chronic condition. So. Much. Guilt. You feel guilty that they miss out on things that you know they would enjoy doing with the family. You feel guilty that you still need their help when they need to do nothing some days. Guilt for feeling resentful or angry at their condition, even though you know they feel the same. Guilt for considering it tour fight too, when they have to fight so much harder and be so much stronger than you to make it through the worst times. Guilty for being frustrated in the new and tumultuous dual role of spouse and caregiver. And worst of all, you feel guilty for being well (because both of you being in pain and/or suffering is somehow so much better).

I just want to take a second to shout what I hope you already know: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT! Absolutely nothing. All the emotions above are normal. Feeling guilty is, too.

You feel a bit like a single parent, but with the frustration of having a partner still in the home. The maddening thing is that you remember the helpful person they can be and a part of you never let's go of that expectation of helpfulness. Even if your rational brain knows they can't do something, you see them there and your subconscious doesn't see their limitations, just that you're handling way more than they are.

The hardest guilt for me has been feeling guilty about my anger. When my husband lost his first of two jobs his condition has cost him, there was a bogus reason, but we both believe it was due to the decline in performance due to his pain. For a long time I didn't allow myself anger about any of it. Then, I let myself get upset at his employer. The reason he was let go was ludicrous and they should be ashamed! And I felt a bit better. Then I let myself feel angry at the condition. And I am still angry that the doctors don't/can't/won't help him.

Today I let myself feel a different kind of angry. Today I was angry at him. I was angry that he never filed for short term disability when things got bad and instead tried to push through and provide for us. That got us really far. As soon as I admitted that anger, I instantly felt guilty. He worked his butt off until he couldn't anymore. He is in pain and this isn't a choice he made. He isn't lazy, isn't trying to freeload. He helps every time he can as much.as he can. What right did I have to be angry at him?!?

Then it hit me. I had EVERY right. Because I do not feel this way all the time. I do not berate him or judge him or try to make him feel bad because of his condition. But I am battling it too. And it will take its toll on me mentally instead of physically. If I try to push these feelings away out of guilt, they will only fester. I have to be okay releasing them so they don't hold any power over me, over him, or over us.

There's a lot you give up to take care of a spouse, especially on the bad days. That's for another post. Perhaps, we need to give up one more thing. The guilt. Give it up and respect that you have the right to feel that way, and by acknowledging the feelings you can prevent things from boiling under the surface.

Living with Chronic Pain, Pt 1: History

2012-01-11T20:25:00.005-06:00

The past six weeks have been a roller coaster. And the ride, it isn't over yet.

(NOTE: This is the first in a series of posts. I am mostly going to be writing about being the spouse/partner of someone with chronic pain. Some posts may be about my experiences with my own chronic pain. However, while chronic, my pain is not severe or debilitating, so I try to be more "out of sight, out of mind" with it.)

Thanksgiving weekend, Kelton was in SO. MUCH. PAIN. Pain so bad the narcotic pain relievers he has been on for almost two years were not TOUCHING the pain. He was scared. I was scared. In the Emergency Dept. they did an MRI. He still had the herniated discs we knew about; but he also had a lipoma we were unaware of. The radiologist that read his report said he thought epidural steroid injections could help.

Since then Kelton has received the 3 injections he can receive for the year. For a bit after the second injection, things seemed GREAT. Kelton even managed to, for the first time in almost two years, stop taking narcotic drugs completely. He hasn't had one in almost two weeks. Last Thursday, he had his third injection. Yesterday, things started spiraling in reverse.

After doing some lifting, nothing extreme, and certainly nothing that would have even been a blip on his radar before this all started, Kelton's leg pain came back. It was mild yesterday, but by today it's like he has never had an injection. Another injection isn't an option. He had a consult and first adjustment with my chiropractor today. Apparently the lipoma is causing spinal stenosis. And any time he strains his back, the pain will return as long as the lipoma is there.

As long as the lipoma is there. Those words both terrify me and fill me with hope. They are scary, because what if the spine specialist we have an appointment with next week (God, please let him last until next week with this pain.) says surgery isn't an option? What if they say it is? Surgery is scary, but the idea of him living with this pain forever is even scarier. We thought the injections were going to be our magic potion, but they weren't. What if they do a surgery and it doesn't work either? At this point, optimism is hard to come by. This pain has cost him two jobs, cost us our house, and cost him the chance to be the father he wants to be (not that he isn't an amazing father, he just misses being active with the kids and they miss playing with daddy!). We're not sure how much more we can stand to lose.

Next Wednesday we meet with the spine specialist (unless we can happen to get in before that, which we're trying to do). I am praying, hoping, and crossing my fingers that they look at the MRI, meet with him, and say "Yes, you're a great surgical candidate. Let's start this process and get you out of pain!" But a part of me, the natural pessimist in me, is saying "Nope. Not going to happen. They are going to say there's nothing they can do, here are some pills to keep you numb forever." I hate to think like that. That is so far from what I want for him. It's even further from what he wants for himself. I see him struggling. I see him getting down on himself; talking about how he is a bad husband and father because of his pain. But that isn't him, he is not his pain. He's still the amazing, strong, wonderful person I fell in love with. And I have to have faith that God will provide us the doctors and resources we need to get him back to feeling like that person.

Welcome, 2012!

2012-01-04T19:49:00.003-06:00

It will never be 2011 again. Never. That is awesome. 2011 was a year full of trials. We were pushed to our limits individually, as a couple, and as a family. And we came out the other side stronger, happier, and more sure of the strength of ourselves, our faith, our marriage, and our family. No matter what, the six of us are in this together, and God will provide. Those two simple facts are what carried me through some very, very dark moments. And I'm sure they'll continue to do so in the years to come.

2012. This year will be a year of change. Work and change. I will be returning to school to get my CNA and (God willing) begin working out of the home. My goal is to find a position that lets me work 3 overnight shifts a week so I still have 4 days a week at home with my family. Kelton gets his last in the series of 3 steroid injections to shrink the spinal lipoma on Friday. Hopefully within a month or so of that injection he'll know how effective it was and be able to look for work.

We will be moving. Same town, but we're going to be renting a home from family. The house we'll be in is larger, has a second bathroom, and we can still have a garden and chickens. The wild turkeys that frequent the front yard should mask the noise anyway. These suburbanites don't know the difference between a bawk-bawk and a gobble-gobble. ;) This is a bit of a scary change, but it is also one that definitely feels like a move in the direction that we need to go.

Personally my goal is to get myself back into shape. I don't feel healthy. I was just getting to a place of starting to feel healthy again after Lucy's birth when I got pregnant with Zane. Between the hyperemesis, SPD, and broken tailbone I did virtually no exercise while pregnant with him. The goal was really to move as little as possible to keep myself from hurting or throwing up. I'm actually not too concerned with the number on the scale, but I am extremely in need of toning up! I have made an initial goal of doing 500 jumping jacks a day. I can do only 50 at a time right now before getting winded, but I know that I have to start somewhere. Eventually I'd love to be running again. Trying pilates is on my "to-do" list as well.

I don't know exactly where this year will take us. But I am excited for the journey!

Oops & DPP 12/22/2011

2011-12-22T03:11:00.003-06:00

I fell off the December Photo Project bandwagon. 11 days with no pictures. Hubby's legs have been off and on, and there was some drama with whether or not he would be able to get the second injection he needs (praise to God, he gets it tomorrow!). That and daily life with 4 under 7 made posting a bit more of an effort than I anticipated!

But, here is today's photo. I had been up all night last night with the toddler and then today she refused a nap and I had to deal with nap fighting during making supper while Kelton was at class. So when he got home he helped clean up the house. And when the baby got fussy he didn't ask me to take him or anything. He told me to sit down and take a break...and grabbed the Ergo so he could tend to Zane AND keep cleaning. There's something about a man who cleans. But a man who is wearing his baby AND cleaning? Be still, my beating heart. <3

DPP 12/10/2011: Mama Beauty

2011-12-11T02:38:00.002-06:00

I had wanted to do professional maternity pictures with each of my pregnancies, but this was the first time I'd been able to. I am quite happy with how they turned out.

DPP 12/9/2011: Birthday

2011-12-10T01:30:00.002-06:00

Joey, showing her collection of "learn to read" books for her Tag, Jr.

We have a birthday or holiday at least every 2 weeks from October 12 to January 19. (And people wonder why we homeschool in the summer and take that time off instead!) Today was Miss Joey's birthday. She turned four. My silly, crazy, sweet, loving baby is now a big girl. She's so full of life. And witty. Oh, she has us in stitches all the time. Today isn't just Joey's birthday. It was my Ga-Ga's (my mom's mom) birthday as well. Joey was born in Ga-Ga's house, on her birthday. And she reminds me of her in so many ways.

We didn't have a big birthday party. We'll do that in a month or two when the holiday craziness slows down. But we did have my mom and her husband, my mother in law, and one of my brothers in law over. We let her open gifts, had pizza, and cupcakes. She loved it. Simple. Low key. Surrounded by those that love her most (except my dad, but that's because he has to be in Texas right now). It was a good day for a birthday.

DPP 12/7/2011: Homemaking.

2011-12-08T04:59:00.001-06:00

Fresh made bread. Crocheting Lucy's blanket for her Christmas present. Simple pleasures of home on a cold, snowy December night.

DPP 12/6/2011: After bedtime

2011-12-06T23:13:00.002-06:00

A quiet moment snuggling after the big girls were in bed and I was relaxing before heading there myself. Please excuse the slightly annoyed expression and messy hair; I'd been dealing with a horrible migraine the entire day.

DPP 12/5/2011: Catching up...

2011-12-06T23:01:00.005-06:00

I completely missed last night's posting! Oops. :) That whole four kids under six thing kind of gets in the way of being a consistent blogger sometimes.

This weekend we saw our first real snowfall of the year. Hubby and the big girls had an AMAZING time getting to play in the snow. Including building the first snowman of the year. We're looking forward to much more winter fun in the next few months.

The fact that hubby was out playing with the kids? An amazing blessing. He really hasn't been able to do that in about a year and a half. Last week he had an injection of lidocaine and steroids injected into the cyst on his spinal cord. His pain went from being uncontrollable even with extremely strong medications to being a 4-6 on the traditional pain scale. Four with his pain medication (which has been stepped down in the start of weaning him off of them), and six without. I seriously feel like I've been given my husband back.

He goes in for a second injection before Christmas and the radiologist thinks at that point he can be virtually pain free without pain medication! Praise God! This is the blessing, the miracle that we've been waiting for.

DPP 12/4/2011: Introducing Zane

2011-12-05T01:43:00.004-06:00

I know I'm posting these consistently a day late...but if I haven't been to sleep I don't count it as a new day just because it's after midnight. (See: blog name)

Today I took baby's first photo shoot. I confess: I hate doing newborn pictures. Even in a studio, where I didn't have to worry about lighting (it was dreary today so this was hard since I have no reflectors or flash equipment at all), I hated it. Newborns are delicious and wonderful and very photogenic, don't get me wrong. BUT, it's all posed pictures. And I prefer candids. Not easy with someone who doesn't really move. Add in that it took until he was 3 weeks to get to do them and that upped the difficulty. He was so squirmy and isn't AS floppy anymore.

But, even with those obstacles, and the fact that I am nowhere NEAR experienced, I am pretty happy with them.

DPP Day 3 (12/3/11)

2011-12-04T18:34:00.001-06:00

Playing catch up as we had the toddler and baby trading off wakings last night. We decided to let Z-man try out the beanbag we got for his newborn photos.

DPP Day 2

2011-12-03T16:02:00.001-06:00

Ah, peaceful baby slumber. He's been on a super fussy growth spurt so I wanted to capture the rare nap.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2011-12-02T00:26:00.001-06:00

Okay, not really. Because our (almost!) 4 year old has an early.December birthday, our celebrating begins after HER celebration. But we have begun the Christmas shopping. Tonight I scored a kid's game system and nine games for $30 from Craigslist. The price on the box for the system alone was $84! We are trying to do as much secondhand and small business shopping as we can to keep as much of our spending dollars in the pockets of individuals rather than large corporations. That brings my first, rather boring December Photo Project post to an end.

Sweet Productivity...

2011-11-23T03:16:00.002-06:00

Oh, how I've missed contributing to our household! As I've blogged about before, between the Hyperemesis Gravidarum and the Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, I was really out of commission to some extent most of my pregnancy. I think there were 8 weeks in the second trimester where I felt great, and a week or two from 32-34 weeks. This really affected how much, and in what ways, I could contribute to the running of the house. Many weeks, it was simply my job to keep the kids and I fed and alive while my wonderful husband was at work. When he was home he did was much as he could to keep up with the cooking, cleaning, and caring for the kids. But it's definitely a two person job! I'm ever grateful for him for letting me flounder and just survive; I know plenty of husbands just don't understand how difficult growing a human can be under the best of circumstances, not to mention when the pregnancy itself is difficult, too!

Baby Zane was born on November 12. The entire week before he was born, I was out of commission. Almost completely. My pain levels, and the prodromal contractions had me mostly bed ridden. I was contracting every 10 minutes around the clock with many multi-hour episodes of very hard contractions every 3-5 minutes. And of course these were overnight when I needed to be sleeping to care for the kids the next day. I was exhausted, which made the pain worse. I was basically put on bedrest, taking sleeping medicine to knock out the prodromal contractions, and pain medicine so I could not be in pain that was excruciating. If I took them, I was too tired and out of it to be present for the big girls, but without it I was too tired and in too much pain to care for any of the kids. My mom and her husband took the big girls, since Lucy was happy playing in bed with me, watching Netflix, and still takes two naps a day.

Then I've been recovering from the birth (which I'm still revising my birth story and will post it when I'm done), and adjusting to four kids. It's been time consuming just meeting everyone's needs. So not much has gotten done. The house isn't as messy, but the day-to-day tasks that keep a home running just weren't always getting done.

This week the big girls went back with my mom and her husband. They went on Sunday night and will come home Thursday after we all go over for breakfast and Thanksgiving celebrating. They got to go out of town to pick up their aunt, so for them it was a vacation! And for me it has been a chance to contribute again!

I've gotten laundry 95% done. I will be finished tomorrow to the point that everything but what we're wearing is washed, sorted, and put away. Laundry was a huge issue because of the bending and stooping involved in using our washer/dryer. And it's the chore I've felt the most guilty about letting fall by the wayside. So getting this caught up, more caught up than I think I've been since having children, is huge to me!

I'm also getting the big girls' room clean. Including their toybox, which is covered in bits and pieces of broken toys at the bottom. In their room are a lot of our DVDs. I'll be gathering up all the scratched and damaged Disney ones to send in to be replaced. I'm hoping we can get the replacements before Christmas; hello easy/free Christmas gifts!

I'm going to try to post more in the New Year, but for now am taking time to focus on our family. <3

Wordless Wednesday: Hello, World.

2011-11-16T00:15:00.004-06:00

Sunday, October 30, 2011. 36 Weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Sunday, November 13, 2011. One day old.

Today I...

2011-11-04T11:25:00.003-05:00

Today I am 37 weeks, 2 days pregnant and desperately trying to find my zen with the baby coming tonight, or a month from tonight.

Today I am spending the day with a sweet, giggly 19 month old little girl who doesn't realize that all too soon she will be transformed from "the baby" to a "little girl" by the arrival of a new sibling.

Today I am trying to be joyful in doing mundane tasks like cleaning and laundry.

Today I am remembering to keep my faith in uncertain times.

Today I am grateful for God's provision throughout the uncertainty.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-19T00:10:00.003-05:00

Anna-Lee, or the reason K and I will likely be arrested

for threatening minor boys in a few years. ;)

Freedom.

2011-10-18T02:32:00.003-05:00

The burn-out. It's not a pretty topic, not one that any of us mom's like to admit to feeling. But, I am there. And I have been for a while. It is just now, now that there's a light at the end of this pregnancy tunnel, that I feel like maybe the fog lifting is a real possibility. Let me explain.

2011 did not start well for our family. I'd just finished a very stressful season of working for the holidays part-time. This was as much out of necessity than anything else, and it was not something that our family was prepared well for. We did not cope well with mama being gone random hours during the day. I developed anxiety bad enough that I went on medication to help with the attacks. We took a trip to Oklahoma and Dallas in January to re-group as a family. It was a much needed vacation for us, and we came back ready to jump back into life.

Our then five year old wanted to try public school, so the Monday after we got back she started at the local elementary school. Her teacher was mine in first grade, a woman who I still cherish and adore for her understanding of my awkward six year old self who wanted to read books meant for far older kids rather than socialize on the playground. Three weeks later, it was obvious school was not working for her. She was grumpy. She was begging to never go back. She loved the teacher, she loved being with the kids. But it took her joy away when it came to learning. And she LOVES to learn. So, with a prayerful heart we pulled her. We decided to unschool that year, let her just get back to loving learning while she was still little.

February began with the passing of my grandfather. Shortly later, my husband was injured at work and had to take a month off. Both of these were setbacks to our routine, to our hearts. But we still were managing to settle into life with a family of five, finding our daily groove after floundering for months. The big girls had always loved their baby sister, but now at 11 months, she was able to join in the playing with them. Life was looking good for our little family.

Then came a surprise. Literally. We found out mid-March that we were expecting baby #4! Such a blessing, definitely. But, we were shocked to be pregnant so soon. I was still in the pit of nursing all night, dealing with postpartum anxiety, and didn't I just have a baby!?!? But we were excited, nonetheless. Until a week later when I found out I needed to abruptly stop my anxiety medication and the hyperemesis gravidarum set in. I was so sick that a couple nights I wound up taking my pillow and blanket into the bathroom and sleeping on the floor in there. Then I started getting panic attacks about getting sick, especially when out alone with all of the kids, since seeing mama sick scared especially the little ones. Only now I didn't have my medication that made me feel human again. And it turned out my anti-nausea medication, unlike when I took it with my oldest, was making my anxiety worse than it was otherwise. Not wanting to take any mood altering medications in the first trimester, I floundered. I did the most I could, but it was rarely enough, and we just tried to keep afloat from day to day. We lost our footing, for sure.

And, as with most tough pregnancies, that's where we've stayed. It's gotten easier. These past few weeks that I've been seeing a chiropractor for the SPD, it hasn't been as debilitating. But third trimester exhaustion and the return of hyperemesis have offset that improvement. I've realized, I can't do this again. Not for a while. When I got pregnant I was just getting back to normal after months of postpartum anxiety. Now I have dealt with months of not just anxiety, but hyperemesis and pain.

NOTHING will change the fact that this baby is a blessing. That our family will love this baby and they will be cherished and adored. But, after a serious round of talking, and a lot of prayer my husband and I have decided that we have to make sure no more babies for a while. We neither one feel done. But I feel done for now. I have mama burn-out. I haven't been able to be the mother, the wife, the WOMAN, the ME that I feel God calling me to be. I feel called to be so much more than I am right now. To be so much more present that what I am able to be. So the decision has been made that there will be no babies for at least 3 years.

And knowing that won't be something to think (worry?) about, I feel...free. Freedom in getting to enjoy and chase a toddler without that familiar pull of round ligament pain. Freedom to nurse my toddler without worrying about painful nursing from pregnancy hormones. Freedom to go to school for my CNA and work overnights to honor the part of me that isn't just a mama, but a person as well. Freedom to look at taking some photography courses as a real possibility and not just a dream because they don't fall into my schedule of pumping or due dates. Freedom to take my doula training. Freedom to look at the four souls God has given my husband and I to guide and teach and learn from and soak them up and rejoice in them. Freedom to find myself as His child again, which is where the real freedom comes from, isn't it?

The double edged sword of the due date:

2011-10-15T22:21:00.003-05:00

It is common knowledge in "birthy" circles that the Estimated Due Date (EDD) given to women by midwives and obstetricians in most everywhere is somewhat of a fallacy. Yes, the average time a woman will spend pregnant is 40 weeks. BUT, that is just an average. The normal range for a term pregnancy is 37 to 42 weeks (and based on some people's arguments the range could be as wide as 36 to 43; but for the sake of this post we'll stick with 37-42 as average since it is the accepted norm). Which means that if your EDD is, let's say January 1st, you could have a normal length pregnancy without being either "early" or "late" anywhere from December 11th to January 15th. Quite a difference than focusing on that one day, right?

The thing is, there's been a trend that I've noticed in a lot of natural birthing communities to ignore the first 3 weeks of that range. It is seen almost as a badge of honor to beat the EDD, to go past it. Women are using that 42 week mark as their due date, it's seen as beating the system or being more of a woman to be considered "overdue" by the medical community at large. Especially if you buck the pressure to induce, something that is very very understandably hard to do for both first time moms and mothers with little ones at home who may only have help available for a very short window of time.

And, there is NOTHING wrong with that. I comment women who carry their babies for 40+ weeks without being pressured into a non-medical induction or succumbing to society's pressure to just get that baby out. Scheduling birth is a big trend in our country (I would encourage ACOG to look at elective, non-medical induction, whether suggested by women or their providers, as a bigger 'cause celebre' than homebirth is!), and it's one that many are pressured into by all sides. Even knowing we were planning a homebirth, I started getting phone calls wanting to know when the baby was coming at what we thoughts was 38 weeks with my last pregnancy. And I wasn't even "due" yet! Turns out I was more realistically at 36 weeks; an entire month before when I would have been considered due to have the baby.

BUT, what about those of us on the other side of the spectrum? My children have all been "early." My 3 daughters were born at 36 weeks exactly (according to my OB's wheel; by ovulation she was actually 35w4d), 37w1d, and 37w6d. The first I admit had circumstances that likely contributed to her being born before 37 weeks. I had an infection that left untreated can lead to early labor. And my doctor ignored me when I told him that I wasn't able to keep the antibiotics down long enough to be effective. I did wind up in preterm labor three weeks later (at 33w5d) and spent a weekend in the hospital with magnesium sulfate to stop labor. I was taken off of light bedrest a few days before my daughter was born. If I remember correctly, a different antibiotic was never prescribed after the preterm labor, and I am unsure at this point (almost 6.5 years later) if it was because no infection was present or because it was an oversight in medical care. So, that could very well been a contributing factor in her birth.

The other two, however, came "early" with no prompting from me. I had prodromal labor for at least two weeks before each of their births. With my middle daughter this consisted of hours of braxton-hicks contractions that kept me awake but were clearly braxton-hicks. With my youngest, it meant about 2 and a half weeks of hours long periods of labor contractions that had a definite pattern, involved using breathing and coping techniques. Then? They'd just stop or space out to an obviously not labor pattern. Now, as I'm approaching the beginning of my "due month (late October to early December in my case)" I find I'm having the long periods of braxton-hicks like contractions again. While I have no scientific reasoning, I am guessing on a baby within 4 weeks because of patterns that are showing up as they have with other pregnancies.

Even waiting 4 weeks, which would be my longest pregnancy, I would still be birthing before 40 weeks. And that is FINE with me. I don't like comparing women to appliances, so I don't like when people say I "cook" babies fast or anything like that. I am not cooking an infant, I'm gestating. ;) But, I do err on the side of shorter pregnancies. And, because I am okay with that, because I don't feel bad about not going to 40 weeks or beyond, I've gotten some flack. People saying I "want" a preemie or care more about my comfort than I do my baby's health. And to them I say a two word phrase that I won't repeat here because I made myself a promise not to curse on this blog.

Do I WANT a 40+ week pregnancy? Absolutely not. Let's go with my last, and longest, pregnancy. 37 weeks 6 days. By the end of that pregnancy I could not roll over in bed or get dressed without assistance due to SPD. I was super emotional and full of outbursts of anger from hormones. I felt like I wasn't in control of my mind or my emotions anymore. Doing things with an caring for my older girls was plain HARD and they endured a lot more TV, missed trips to the zoo, and PB&Js than they should have had to deal with. I was dealing with prodromal labor that largely happened overnight, and then had children to deal with all day. Five more weeks of that and I may have lost my mind.

The night before I had my daughter I was cursing and yelling and swearing that I was GOING to be induced that week (at the time we were going with an earlier EDD, but because of my daughter's size, the amount of vernix and some issues with my cycle, I believe an earlier dating ultrasound that had her EDD two weeks later was the more accurate of the two) because I could not be pregnant another second. I was crying at EVERYTHING, and scaring not only myself, but my husband and the big girls. It wasn't a pretty picture. However, even believing I was AT my 40 week mark, I knew I would stay pregnant another 2 or so weeks if that's what the baby needed.

And now, now I would gladly again stay pregnant for 42 weeks. Do I want to? Again, no. This baby's movements are large. My stomach moves more than Shakira's hips! I wake up at night in pain from those movements. The SPD, while more manageable with chiropractic care, is wearing me thin. I have a fractured tailbone and hyperemesis to deal with this time, too. It's been a largely horrible pregnancy. As long as baby is healthy and ready, they can be born as soon as it's safe for them to do so for my preference. But if they need to stick around until the end of the due month, that's okay with me, too. I may complain a LOT about it, but it would be of a venting nature.

Because I don't want a preemie. I've never WANTED a preemie. I was one. I spent most of my first year in and out of a NICU. I wouldn't wish the reality and uncertain health of a preemie on any parent or any baby. I want to slap people when they say I want a preemie; and that is not the pregnancy hormones talking. And while my comfort is important to me, especially right now when there are so many factors attack it, of course my child's health is more important. Worrying about the baby's health versus my comfort is what led me to the natural childbirth movement in the first place.

I guess the point of this post is that the EDD is just that. Estimated. It is the average. And while I commend the women who happily plan for and even relish in 42 weeks of pregnancy, I have to say remember there is another side to the EDD sword. Those of us who make up the early end of that due month curve. And just because we don't carry our baby's in the womb as long and aren't upset about that doesn't mean we should be looked down on. In a community like the natural birth one, full of people that the mainstream world rarely sees as "normal", it'd be nice to have it remembered that for there to be an average there have to be a range both above and below that average. And in this case, unlike our report cards in school, there's nothing better about being above average rather than below average.

DISCLAIMER: This is based on when the BABY chooses their own birthdate and does not apply to inductions before 40 weeks. Obviously there are inductions that are medically indicated before a baby's EDD, and if that is what a woman and her provider deem necessary given their circumstances, I support that. BUT this post isn't about this. When a baby naturally lets the mother's body know to start labor before 40 weeks, there are rarely issues. It's when labor is artificially started that your risks of having complications associated with "early" babies can happen, even within that 37-42 week window.

32 Weeks, and birth place rambling.

2011-10-02T23:29:00.004-05:00

32 Weeks and feeling good!

I'm in the middle of week 32 of this pregnancy. This week has been a turnaround week. A week ago, I was on day 2 of a 3 day period of being bed ridden from pain related to SPD. I went to the chiropractor on Tuesday, and again on Friday. I've had some pain off and on this week, but this weekend has been amazing. Even spending all day on my feet and running around I've been relatively pain free. As pain free as you can be when there is a uterus up to your ribs and little jabs to your muscles from inside your body. ;) I don't think 32 weeks has felt this comfortable since my first pregnancy. Considering that was 3 kids, 8 pregnancies, and 6 years ago, I'm happy!

My other 3 were born in the 36-38 weeks range. Which means nothing, as we all know. I could have a baby in 4 weeks or in 10 weeks. As someone obsessed with details and planning, the last couple of months of pregnancy are maddening as I constantly wonder when to expect baby to come. Especially since I tend to have weeks of prodromal labor.

This pregnancy has been the first one where birth place has been a real discussion. My first I was sure would be in the hospital. People went to OBs and had babies in hospitals. Homebirth was for the crazy hippies. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm mumbling, that's just my foot in my mouth. After a good natural hospital birth, I still knew there was a better way. Better than a first time mom being told after 9 hours of labor that she was failing to progress and being threatened with a cesarean section. Better than waiting over an hour for every single prenatal visit in a crowded waiting room only to be seen for five minutes. Better than an OB who dismissed my hyperemesis as me being a "princess" about normal morning sickness and told me not having an epidural would result in myself having a stroke from high blood pressure (due to a heart condition I'd long outgrown, and even suffering from low blood pressure the entire pregnancy!). Better than postpartum women treating me like I knew nothing because I was a young mother.

Two years later I found myself pregnant again. I knew I would have a homebirth. The question that pregnancy was whether or not I could find a midwife to attend. I was okay with an unassisted birth when a friend found a midwife for me through a message board. I met with her, and transferred from seeing a hospital based CNM to seeing a homebirth midwife. And still wound up with an unassisted birth thanks to a snowstorm, another birth, and being a fast laborer.

By the time I was pregnant with baby number three, there wasn't a question of where (home) or attendant (same homebirth midwife), but instead how we were going to replace the tub that came with the home we'd bought the year before with a new one deep enough to facilitate a waterbirth. That birth, another fast one (just a smidge over 2 hours), was easy. Smooth, quick labor that progressed with no issues and ended in a peaceful waterbirth with the midwife and my husband near the tub and my two older girls in the hallway laughing in delight over the birth of their sister.

This pregnancy, however, has been full of questions. We are seeing our family doctor for prenatal care, and have intended to birth at home unassisted from the beginning. This decision has been one I've considered and reconsidered. I admit the hospital has it's appeal. Not for the birth itself, though their tubs do look amazing. But for the 2 days post birth with no having to clean up, tend to older siblings, having food delivered to me with the push of a button, etc. It's a mini vacation for a tired mama with lots of little ones around! And with our doctor, I know all of my wishes would be respected during labor and birth. I wouldn't have to get an IV, I could eat and drink and move as I pleased, catch the baby myself, and anything else I could ask for. Sounds great, but with the fast labors, the whole being in a car sounds like torture. My contractions tend to come fast and strong. They are manageable when I can do whatever I need to to cope. But in a car they are unbearable (experienced during those weeks of prodromal labor).

For all three girls, the only options were hospital or home. Now, a new birth center is opening in the area. Right near the hospital, actually. A LOT of my friends are very excited about this option. As am I, because it means many local women who were not happy with the current options of unregulated homebirth midwives or the hospital have a new option. One that gives them great care and a non-hospital option that has the bonus of being covered by insurance; something that is usually impossible with homebirths here. I have many friends who are already excited about getting to have their next baby in the birth center. It opens later this month, and since my doctor is the physician who works with the CNM running the center, I can easily switch care to birth there if I chose to.

And I do see the appeal. A real bed rather than the incredibly uncomfortable hospital ones. Big tubs (I am a water birther, the bed is of no matter to me, but the tub? The tub is everything!), no hospital-y feel to the place. And you get to go home within a few hours, so you can settle into your own bed with baby that first night. And the scary "who cleans up the mess" question all of us homebirthers hear is answered. I am pretty sure you can also have family visit before you leave the center and then when you get home, you're home in peace and alone. That is probably an even bigger draw than the tub for me, as I'm a private person and rarely am comfortable inviting others into my home. Even friends and family.

But, where I am now, the birth center option is just not for me. It seems like it would be silly. We can have everything we want at the hospital. If this wasn't the case, a birth center would be a good option for us. The hospital seems kind of crazy as well. We wouldn't be going because we think it is the best or safest place for our birth, but rather to simply have the hotel-like amenities after the fact. I still feel the best place would be home for us. Sure, it means no 2 day vacation afterward. But as long as I do my meal prep and keep up with laundry before the birth, there won't be much to do after around the house anyway. Plus my husband will likely have a couple of days home to help out. Add in the fact that I don't tend to take a ton of rest time after a birth anyway (we were out to eat and shopping 12 hours after my last birth since our birth kit was missing a few items and we got hungry) and staying home just makes sense.

So for now, we say we're planning a homebirth. Come birthing day, we may decide the hospital sounds like the place for us. We have a doctor and doula who are fine supporting us wherever we decide to go. Or not go. So the following weeks will involve putting together our birth kit, preparing the house for a birth, and packing a bag in case we decide at the last minute to head to the hospital. I don't see that happening, but this pregnancy has been so all over the place that I do not make concrete plans anymore. All I know is that in the next 4-10 weeks we will be meeting our new baby. And no matter where or how they enter this world, it will be joyful and miraculous. Just like my other births, and any others that God plans for us.

October is here!

2011-10-01T23:29:00.003-05:00

And with it, it brings a renewed sense of hope for the future. This is, by far, my favorite month. Even though it holds one of the greatest tragedies of my life; the loss of my Ga-Ga, my maternal grandmother. She was one of the most special people to me. More than grandmother, she was my friend. A source of constant support and understanding, even when I was the unconventional, independent, weird kid. She never expected or even wanted me to act normal and be like other kids. She LOVED that I marched to my own drummer, and a lot of who I am now is because of who she taught me to become. My love of southern cooking, hanging laundry, and listening to music while I do chores all come from her. My middle daughter was born in her home on her birthday, and oh how I wish Ga-Ga could meet her now! I like to believe that the sassy, funny, to the point attitude and the gleam in her eye come from her great-grandmother. That before Reese was in my womb, she was in heaven getting told "now, when your mama was little, she had the biggest attitude! So your job is to go down there and give her just as much joy and frustration as she gave me!" Ga-Ga used to say I was the best at getting out of trouble by making what I did wrong so funny or cute that she was too busy laughing to carry out any punishments. And oh is that my Reese to a tee! We often find ourselves walking away to chuckle before coming back to talk about why a certain action was maybe not the best one.

October this year is bringing a new job for my husband, a point in this pregnancy where I am not just feeling okay, but really feeling good and functioning again, and a new sense of relief and JOY. And a desire to draw closer to God as a family. Something we have been trying to do, but have slacked on. The big girls are having a long-awaited slumber party at my mom's this weekend, but next week we are going to start the look for a home church. We're likely going to try the church that the girls' dance teacher goes to. I went there as a teenager and really enjoyed it. My only issue with it as an adult is sometimes it seems a lot of political talk comes from the pulpit. And I really dislike that. But, if other things are in place, I can overlook it. Nowhere is perfect.

Today my husband and I celebrated our Eighth wedding anniversary. Technically it's not until October 9th, but we did our celebrating today. Next week we'll go to church and then eat and watch football with the kids. My kind of celebration! We have our first kid-free day/night in 18 months. And wow is it quiet without the girls here! We went shopping and had long conversations without a million questions. I forgot you could do that!

I'm excited for October. And not just because I'm secretly (well, not a secret anymore!) hoping for a Halloween baby. I'm excited to make the big girls' costumes, to go to the pumpkin patch, to get maternity photos done, to really start preparing to welcome the new baby. 2011 has been a year of great struggle and stress for our family. October has never been anything but good to me (for even in the loss of Ga-Ga, I was rejoicing that her years of pain from arthritis were gone and that she was back with my Pa, the son she lost so many years ago, and Jesus!), and I'm confident that this year's October will be no different!

Autumn is here!

2011-09-23T21:30:00.007-05:00

And, besides the ringing in of our family's favorite season, we have much to celebrate! The husband got a job this week! It's in the field he wants to move into (and will be starting school for soon), and he will be home more during the kids' waking hours. It's a paycut, but we are fine with struggling for a little while in order to make things better in the long run. I've been encouraged to apply for a job as a breastfeeding peer counselor with our local WIC office and plan to turn in the application next week, so I may be bringing in a little something extra to help out as well. Either way, I'll likely look for part-time work after the baby is a couple of months old during hours when hubby is home with the kids. I like having a little bit of an outlet, but the hassle of childcare isn't one I like to deal with!

The big girls started dance last week (9/13 and 9/17, respectively). The six year old is doing a tap/ballet combo, and the three year old is doing "creative movement". Which is intro to tap and ballet and fun movement. They both love it! It's the first time either of them have taken a structured class for anything. After the new year we'll likely add swim lessons. I think 2 lessons each is about enough though!

Six year old ballerina and her three year old copycat. :)

Three year old Ballerina

As for me, I've begun seeing a different chiropractor for this pregnancy. Not because I didn't like my old chiropractor...in fact I really do like him! BUT, my insurance didn't cover him and I need to go more during pregnancy than I could swing without the help of insurance. Plus the new chiropractor specializes in pregnancy and has some different state of the art equipment, etc. I've noticed a HUGE difference. For one, she adjusts the pubis symphysis itself rather than just the illium and sacrum in hopes of stabilizing the entire pelvis. The adjustment hurts. The little hammer (I forget the actual name) thing is not a fun sensation. And I usually have to come home and rest after an adjustment. But it is helping!

And that state of the art equipment? It found some rotation and issues in my cervical vertebrae. This is significant because it is the vertebrae that are connected with the nerves causing my wrist/hand issues. Getting adjusted hasn't been a cure, but I am able to do more with less pain and numbness in my wrist and hand! I figure it may take a while before it can fix it completely; I've been living with this for almost five years, two weeks isn't going to fix it all. But it has given me hope that maybe I will be able to massage again one day.

This autumn is especially significant for us. This is the season in which we will be welcoming our newest family member. :) I love that I will be birthing during the season that brings me the most joy, inspiration, and closeness to God. Autumn has always been special, this will just make it a bit moreso. We are still undecided between home and hospital, but I am leaning towards staying home and going with the original plan of an unassisted birth. The thing that sounds best about a hospital birth is the two day vacation afterward. No house to clean, no worrying about cooking for anybody, cable TV and room service! And really, with a little prep work we can have the meals and such all ready to go here. Microwaving isn't hard. And I would likely go nuts spending time away from the kids like that. Plus there's that whole leaving the house in labor and fear of precipitous birthing in the van on the way there. I don't even like going anywhere without my husband after 36 weeks for fear of going into labor when out and about!

31 Week belly. Ignore bad lighting and hanging converter box wire- we have to do that to watch Fox, lol!

Though we go into each pregnancy planning on it lasting up to 42 weeks, we could realistically have as little as 5 weeks and as many as 11 based on 'normal' pregnancies and the lengths of my others. Seeing as this is baby #4, we really don't have a ton of preparations. Washing clothes and putting them away. I'm turning my closet into a nursery nook. We co-sleep, but we'll put our mini pack and play in there (with the doors removed, of course!), the clothes in baskets on the upper shelf, and add a mobile and paint it a little different than the rest of the room. Just to have a nice baby "area". We've never done that with the other kids. Just planned for co-sleeping and that was that. We have a new carseat, we have cloth diaper covers and plenty of prefolds and flats, though we will probably pick up some preemie prefolds for the first few days. I need to go get my Ergo from a friend, but I have my ring sling and wrap ready to go. I want to finish the house. Some painting and decorating. And I want to get all of us into a good routine and get a household schedule worked out. Which will happen naturally as the husband settles into his new job. Then the fall activities. Apple orchard. Pumpkin patch. Maternity pictures.

As the leaves change and fall, the air turns crisp, and we are settling into life. I don't know how to explain the change from the summer. But there is a change. Things feel right again.

You keep moving on...

2011-09-10T23:52:00.002-05:00

Wednesday began like any other day. My husband had unexpectedly had Monday and Tuesday off of work, so he was going back after a long weekend. It was a bad day, as far as my pain levels were concerned. I took the two little girls to their dentist appointments, and came home to let Lucy nap before my chiropractor appointment. In there the husband left for work and when we got home before supper it was movie and rest time, as mama needs a LOT of rest after the chiropractor these days. Those SPD and fractured tailbone adjustments are no joke and take a lot out of an already tired body!

Around bedtime, my husband walked in the door. He's not usually home on Wednesdays until 1am or so, and I was pretty sure bedtime hadn't taken that long! (It hadn't. It was 9pm.) He was upset and told me he had lost his job. Talk about unexpected! After the initial shock wore off, though, we began to plan.

He found a job to apply to the next day, and we have a couple more he'll apply for this upcoming week. The job he applied for Thursday told him they'll be calling interviewees back on Monday and Tuesday, and he saw the words "Looks good for an interview" written on his application. This job has less and better hours, benefits, the same pay, and due to the type of work, it would come with a much higher level of job satisfaction. We're praying and hoping that this is the direction God is leading him to, but know that in today's world getting a job so quickly and it being the first job you apply for is not very common and are realistic that this may not be it.

We both believe that life is what you make it. That attitude can make a situation bearable or miserable. And we have faith that God won't give us more than we can handle. So why choose to feel miserable about it? He'd been unhappy in his job for a while now. And it began to affect things at home. He was bringing that unhappiness home with him unintentionally, taking longer to unwind and decompress from work, etc. We knew that it was time for a change, but neither of us wanted to think about making yet another change with a baby on the way and all the other things our family has gone through in 2011. We think maybe this is God's way of pushing us to make that change, and have faith that only good will come from this challenge.

I Love Lucy

2011-08-30T03:04:00.003-05:00

Drinking lemonade at lunch with Mama and Daddy.

Our oldest girls spent the weekend with their grandmas so this mama could rest up and recover from her fall and potentially catch up on laundry. Good progress was made in both, but neither 100% completed. Sunday, we took advantage of finding ourselves with just one child and took Lucy out for an afternoon. It is so much fun to get those rare one-on-one moments with each kid.

We started the afternoon at a local burger place I was craving. Then a trip to the pet store where she got to walk rather than ride in a cart or sling. She was fascinated by all the doggies, running from us shouting "LOOK!" The kitten that looked like our cat in a cage held her attention, too. I think she just wanted to know why we hadn't thought of a cage for our cat. I wondered that, too. ;)

After that we headed to Babies R Us to look at strollers. I doubt we'll need a double stroller. She's walking more, and if we're all out together, we'll likely not even use a single since Kelton and I both love to babywear. But our full size stroller is a bit much for quick trips, especially since it's a more complicated fold involving removing a seat. I wanted to check our options for something lightweight, easy to push (a hard task when Kelton and I are 11" apart in height and he has long legs and I have short ones!), and that will take up less room in the cargo area of our van. We found one clearanced out for $80, and their trade-in event will get us an additional 25% off of that! They're holding it until Wednesday when I can get back out there with the carseat we have in the garage that expired 4 years ago to trade in. Lucy loved riding in it, which is great since she's only used a stroller maybe 5-10 times in her life and has generally hated it. In fact she got mad when we took her out of it!

It's easy with the whirlwind of life occurring around us to remember to slow down and savor each of the girls. Lucy is growing from a baby to a toddler, seemingly overnight. She's finally, at 17 months, fitting into 12 month clothes comfortably. The 3T tunic tops Reese is starting to outgrow make perfect dresses for her. She's still tiny, but getting bigger (she's like her mama, I was always the smallest in my class!).

Her vocabulary is booming. And her understanding even moreso. She fully understand commands like "take this to daddy" or "put that in the bookcase". She can name the animals by name (Guster= Guhduh, Strider= Ida, and Zeke= Eek or Ki-ee for kitty). She can point to her belly, and will "boop" your nose (poke it saying boop and laughing). She will also point out her booty, lol. If she's wet, she will bring us a prefold and lay down for a change. She says "what", "why", "yeah", "hi", and "look". She also says Anna-Lee (Ammm-Eeeee). She finally lets me read to her without throwing a fit two pages into a book, and has started bringing books to us to read to her. She shows a preference in what clothes she wears, and she is becoming a fan of shoes.

Back to human!

2011-08-27T21:28:00.002-05:00

This past week has been a blur. Friday night, the middle girl suddenly spiked a fever and was really lethargic. I was fine letting her rest until she also began saying her neck and head hurt. Meningitis is nothing to laugh at, so we took her in to be checked out. Turns out she had a simple viral throat infection. Let it run it's course, give her hot or cold foods to comfort her throat as needed, and give her plenty of chance to rest. Of course she woke up the next morning fine and acting like nothing had ever happened.

Later that same day, the toddler came down with same symptoms. At least we knew what was happening this time, so we focused on making her comfy and getting some snuggles where we could. We went to bed fully expecting our oldest to wind up sick by Sunday afternoon. When Sunday passed with no symptoms we counted our blessings and pat ourselves on the back for our good luck!

Enter Monday morning. Yep, the oldest had a fever. It seemed to break just a few hours later. No surprise, as she's probably got the strongest immune system of us all. We went to my chiropractor appointment and then planned to head straight home. That's when she got sick. In the hallway at the chiropractor. Thankfully he's a father himself, so it was taken in stride. We got her straight home and in bed. And cancelled her dental procedure for the next morning.

Turns out, she was fine by when her appointment would have started. But it was still a good thing we cancelled, because it was this Mama's turn! I spent Tuesday in bed unable to even lift my head off the pillow when I wanted to. No wonder I was getting so many snuggles! It was out of necessity! Wednesday I was still on the mend; not sick, but recovering and resting.

Thursday things were back to normal. A friend came over and tomatoes were boiled, peeled, chopped, mixed, and canned into 8 glorious pints of homemade salsa. Some neglected cleaning was done, real food was made for supper, story time before bed was resumed.

Friday morning I slipped in the bathroom and hurt my tailbone. It's likely a small fracture, but the more painful part was the inflammation to the soft tissues in my lower back, left hip/bottom, and my left shoulderblade area. I spent the day resting with an ice pack and taking the medicine my doctor recommended. I still wound up calling my husband home from work to take care of me, take the big girls to his mom, and help me with errands. My hero, that man. He not only did all of that, but he also took me out to eat at the place we met working almost exactly 11 years ago, AND stayed up late painting our big girls' bedroom and prepping to put down new flooring in there.

Thankfully this morning I'm still sore (especially the bone itself!) but with icy hot, ice, and just moving carefully, I'm okay. High pain tolerances are a good thing! I was so happy to be able to get laundry put away, make chili for supper, and just feel like a functioning person!

After such a week though, I am cautious to go into a new week without goals in place. This past week required lots of downtime, which can quickly become a habit, even when it isn't needed.

So, I'll post them here, as a way to make me feel a bit more accountable. My goals for the upcoming week:

-Can more produce, based on what's on sale and what we find at Farmer's Market on Thursday

-Get a homeschool schedule made, and turn in our late paperwork to the state (I was supposed to turn it in yesterday and was laid up too late to do so from falling- oops!).

-Organize the girls' room with the new flooring in.

-Buy paint for mine and the husband's bedroom.

-Take more pictures!

-Crochet. Diaper covers, camera strap cover, or handle covers for our cast iron. I don't care what; just something!

-Work with the girls on the mobile they're making for the baby.

-Keep up with daily tidying, laundry, and deep cleaning chores. This is always so much easier said than done!

-Reschedule the dental procedure for our oldest.

Summer is slowly ending...

2011-08-16T04:52:00.004-05:00

Late summer family reunion at the lake. Bonus 25 week belly picture!

which means the best time of the year is just around the corner! I've mentioned that summer is not our favorite time of the year here in our home. No, we are definitely autumn kind of people! Bring on falling leaves, pumpkins, apples, crisp air, earlier nights and later mornings. A dear friend and I have a description for our favorite kind of weather: hoodie and flip flop weather. When you can comfortably wear both, it's the time of year to be outside enjoying all nature has to offer! Of course, this friend and I have both been known to extend our hoodie and flip flop uniforms into late winter when the ground is heavy with snow, so use your own discretion with this. ;)

Late summer and the approach of autumn also mean it is back to school time! This has different meanings for us this year. We've considered ourselves homeschoolers for the past year or two, but have fallen more in the unschooling camp. We have focused on playing, reading to our girls, and encouraging our now six year old's natural interests. This year, however, she is of compulsory attendance age. So we have paperwork to file with our state. This includes a vaccine exemption form, and a form laying out our curriculum choices. We bought a first grade curriculum, and as all our paperwork needs to be filed by the 26th, I'm spending this weekend setting out lesson plans, and getting everything ready to submit. Organizing a school shelf in the bookcase, making a daily schedule for the girls and I so we know what to expect when, and making a meal plan so I'm not going crazy while adjusting to "doing school".

We still are focusing on making learning fun. Lately, there's been a huge interest in learning about history. Which her definition of history is "old things, like Elvis." Well, sort of, sweetie! We're reading through the Little House series with her sisters. Last week we read chapter one of Little House in the Big Woods and she painted pictures of the corn husk dolls we're going to make as soon as we dry the husks from our corn we're getting at Farmer's Market on Thursday. A couple hours east there is a living history farm that we plan to visit. I'd like to wait until it is not only cooler, but closer to Thanksgiving time, since there is an Ioway Indian village site, and I'd like to incorporate that into our learning about Native Americans.

She's been scared of storms this summer. So when our zoo (whose membership includes free IMAX movies) began showing the IMAX screening of Tornado Alley, we took her so she could learn about the storms. Now, instead of the girls being scared of storms, they tend to just ask about how bad they'll be getting, and are secure in their knowing that a storm turning into a tornado is unlikely. That's not saying they never get scared. The storm that had 70mph winds and knocked power out for 13 hours was scary to them because the lights were out at night. But they knew if it were to develop into a tornado they could simply go to the hall closet and how to stay safe.

Learning fun w/Clifford and Iowa Public TV at the Iowa State Fair!

The end of summer is also bringing an end to our first gardening efforts. They, unfortunately, haven't been very fruitful. I blame this mostly on my asthma keeping me indoors and not tending to the plants as much as I should have, as well as on our alternately too dry and too wet conditions. That's okay. This was a year to learn, not to produce. I did learn that next year we'll do raised beds, as I wasn't a fan of containers. Once our tomato plants are all done with for the season, the girls are going to paint the buckets in autumnal colors and designs, and we'll put some autumn flowers (mums I believe? I'm not a flower person!) in them to decorate the front of the house. The herbs that survived the heat (sage and rosemary) will be brought indoors, and we'll probably add some others to grow inside over the winter.

This week we will begin canning. Whatever we get from farmers market, from our little tomato plants, and produce sales will be preserved to use in winter months. Next month we'll be canning lots of apples. Apple butter, apple jelly, pie fillings, etc. We're kind of nuts about apples. We'll be experimenting with using the shed to store squashes and such over the winter, too.

Even more exciting than planning school schedules, field trips, apple orchards, pumpkin patches, and Halloween is that the coming autumn brings the arrival of our new baby! Being the one giving up precious organ room and pelvic girdle comfort to house the baby's current uterine digs, I like to think this excites me the most. ;) This pregnancy has been simultaneously easy and incredibly difficult. When it's easy, it's very easy. But when the hyperemesis or symphysis pubis dysfunction decide to make it hard, it can be extremely hard! I am looking forward to labor, birthing, and mostly to having a new baby to snuggle and love on. Walking without waddling doesn't sound all that bad, either!

Yes, these "lazy hazy" days of summer are slowly dragging to an end. For many they passed by far too quickly. For us, they took their sweet time and are welcome to make an early exit! We are eagerly awaiting the hustle and bustle that autumn brings to our home. And to adding hoodies to our flip flop wardrobes!

I'm MELTING!!!

2011-08-01T23:35:00.002-05:00

Beating the heat means clothing is optional and Netflix isn't.

Okay, not really. But, I DO live in the midwest. And if you're not a weather junkie like I am, that means I'm smack in the middle of the longest heatwave in a long time. It's been over a month now with heat indexes regularly over 100. Today it got up to 115. And our windows are mostly facing West. So from 2pm until around 8pm when dusk shows up, we could set our thermostat to 45 degrees and the house still wouldn't dip below 79 degrees. Which means we keep the thermostat up and just suffer through. Some days I wind up leaving the house with the kids to beat the heat. But lately even the local malls and such can't keep their a/c cool enough either. The forecast is saying we'll get a break after tomorrow. I pray these weathermen know what they're talking about!

Over the past month, we've come up with some ways to deal with the heat. Lots of indoor options, since as I posted about earlier, my asthma is not taking the weather well. The heat I can do, the humidity I can't. Obviously, lots of water is ESSENTIAL. Frozen fruit and smoothies are great cooling treats, too. I make green smoothies because not only are they an easy way to get spinach in the kids in great quantity, but they are yummy and cooling. I notice that by adding the greens in, we don't get quite as noticeable of a sugar rush from the fruit. Cutting mint from our plants and putting it in our water. Ice packs, cold baths, and foil on the windows have all been used, too. Tomorrow when we have to do laundry, I am planning to let the kids wash blankets with their feet by stomping them with a little detergent (Rockin' Green, so safe!) in the tub to agitate them in the cool water. It'll free up the washer to wash other stuff, too!

With being inside comes MAJOR cabin fever, no matter the time of the year! We have plenty of art supplies in the house, but none of that helps with active kids who can see their bikes sitting outside unused, swings sitting unswung, and outdoor space just begging to be filling with running and joyful screams of children playing! So, bedtime has been pushed back a bit. We are none too hungry when it is so hot out, so dinner isn't until after 8pm anyway. Once twilight hits (and the heat index is only around 100 instead of 110!), the kids get sent outside to run. They run, pull each other and the toddler in the wagon up and down the sidewalk, put the puppy on a leash and run him ragged, and just...act like kids.

Trying out her big sister's trike in the sunset light.

The kids are, like their dad and I, much happier with an autumn day than a summer one. Tomorrow heat index is still around 110. But, I think once peak sun is over, I'm going to find our hose, hook it up, and see if they want to play. At least until the water starts boiling. ;)

Parenting through the pain...

2011-07-30T01:21:00.003-05:00

This pregnancy, over half way done with, has just reach the point where I feel anything that could even remotely be described as "comfortable." I'm not saying this to complain. Sure, I do my fair share of whining, I know I do! But, I really do love being pregnant. What a gift we as women have been given. To be charged with the task of growing, nourishing, caring for, and birthing new life! Yes, God certainly shows us His love in being charged with something so amazing, rewarding, and awesome!

However, since March, I've been dealing with hyperemesis. Hyperemesis is nausea and vomiting that results in at least 5% weight loss in the woman affected. I lost between 5-10% of my pre-pregnancy weight and am just now at a +1 lb for this pregnancy. Twice I found myself in the ER for IV fluids, and if I weren't so stubborn, I should have gone in more than that! Most days, getting out of bed was a huge task, managing to care for and feed the kids made me feel like a superhero! I'd be embarrassed to admit how much convenience food and TV has played a part in our lives these past 4 months.

Along with that, my anxiety disorder has been exaggerated by the pregnancy. Thankfully, once I was out of the first trimester, my doctor and I were able to work together and find a drug that helped. Not as much as my non-pregnant anxiety medication, but it does work. And I switched nausea medications as well, since a side effect of the one I was on is increased anxiety levels. The combination worked! I still have days where I need my medication, but in general I'm just fine without anything but maybe a few deep breaths here and there.

This past month, the flood has made the humidity worse. And combined with the warmest (who are we kidding? It is just downright HOT!) summer in recent memory, my asthma just isn't handling it well. When I got to the point this week where I was calling the doctor considering a second ER visit within a week because my rescue medication wasn't working, I knew things had to change. I'm now on two daily preventative medications. Singulair and an inhaled corticosteroid, Flovent.

Needless to say, I've been largely out of commission. I have barely seen friends, I haven't even really seen family all that much! We haven't done most of the usual activities we do in the summer. Trips to the zoo, picnics at the park, going fishing, etc. This spring and summer has seen us mostly housebound. Which is not at all the normal way of things for the girls and I. We're very go-go-go kind of people!

Thankfully, at home, I have my awesome husband to help out. But, he's got his own chronic health issues which have been plaguing him for about 15 months now. He's in constant pain, and while he manages to do what needs done, like me he's been just handling the basics. There are only two days a week where he's working in the mornings. On those five other days, we switch off getting up with the kids and sleeping in. Well, he sleeps in. I generally am unable to fall asleep after the kids are up anyway, but getting to just lay in bed in the dark quiet is like a vacation sometimes!

The hardest part isn't the physical toll our health issues have taken on either of us. It's been the fact that we can't be the parents we normally are! We both hate feeling like we're sitting on the sidelines, watching the kids play and grow and not being able to actively participate like we are so used to. We watch them ride their bikes up and down the street instead of my husband riding bikes with them. Trips to the park involve driving there and sitting at the picnic tables versus walking there and playing with them.

It affects them, too. How can it not? It means extra nights with grandparents, when mom and dad are too sick to give them everything they need. And while their grandparents are happy to help and they love the kids and the kids love them, it isn't the same. Then we get the "grandparent detox" when they come home. Which means the first 24-36 hours at home are spent easing back into home rules, and there is a lot of frustration and misbehavior involved. It isn't anybody's fault (not entirely, at least), but just a fact.

The past week or two they've been spending more nights away than usual. A two day trip to the amusement park (which we couldn't have done. Humidity, walking all over, being in the pool all evening, it would've taken all we had out of both of us!), spending the night when my asthma sent me to the ER then again when it almost did, a lot of nights away from home. And it shows. The oldest has taken to yelling angrily at her younger sister, and growling in frustration at her. Lots of hurtful words coming from her mouth and hurtful attitude flowing from her heart. The middle one is bouncing off the walls (which is to be expected since she doesn't have a great outlet for expelling all the energy three year olds have!), and is generally defiant in nature. It isn't malicious, it's just the nature of being three and very spirited! She wants to do things in her own time and her own way and doesn't want anybody to tell her how it is. And all of that is at a level about 10 times higher than usual right now.

Thankfully, we have an amazing family doctor. My asthma stuff is quickly getting under control thanks to the new medications I'm on. I think my lungs forgot what it felt like to not be bogged down with inflammation and mucus! And he's finding a combination of medications to help my husband's pain levels get under control. A small difference is already noticeable, after two days. We're also ALL switching ourselves over to a more plant based diet focused on real, unprocessed foods. Something that, as I mentioned above, has been seriously lacking from our house.

We've been eating the Standard American Diet and we're beginning to understand why there's such a health crisis in this country! My husband is likely doing a 5 day juice/raw veggie and fruit fast to jump start his health journey. I would LOVE to join him, but obviously won't be due to being pregnant. Instead I'll be just adding those things into my diet. And into the girls' diets. They even tried broccoli and rice this week; two things they swore up and down they hated! When the oldest asked me to make rice and beans again, I could have fainted!

In this entire process, though, we've made sure the kids know that we love them, that we aren't not doing things to punish them, etc. And we've tried to make special occasions out of things we CAN do. Family nights at home with movies and a special treat. More trips to the play areas at local malls. Lots of reading and cuddles. Making foods we don't normally make (homemade, from scratch pretzels earned this mama some serious cool points!). Helping in the kitchen. They are troopers, and have taken it in stride.

But the husband and I are saying no more. We've survived through the worst. But we don't want our family to survive, we want it to THRIVE. We're looking into joining a gym that has family programs. We can get much needed exercise (inside, away from the humidity for me!), and the kids can have classes to make friends and get energy out. I've found a tumbling class for them through the Y that they could take together, and progress together. It's way on the other side of town, but once a week we can make that drive. Most of the dance and gymnastic places I've called close to us are much more expensive, don't include gym membership for the husband and I, and have long waiting lists. We're starting back with at least once weekly zoo trips, and signing up for some of their upcoming homeschool series.

I'm excited to change the dynamic of our family. From being a group of people who all love each other and live together to being a tight knit family unit again. We've been there most of the 8 years we've been a family, we can get back there again.

Preparing for the worst...or maybe the best?

2011-07-10T03:14:00.003-05:00

As you may have heard, the Missouri River is flooding. Record flood levels have been seen all along the river's path from Montana down to St. Louis. The waters are expected to stay high for months to come. Where I live, a levy protects our city. However, if that levy is breached or fails, we are predicted to have up to 10 feet of water in our city. TEN FEET of water. We are preparing as if this is going to happen, so that if it does we hopefully don't face losing everything.

Which means, while we aren't under immediate threat of an evacuation, it could happen at any time (we're learning of more issues with keeping the levy doing it's job every day it seems). So we are getting things ready to evacuate at a moment's notice. If we don't have to, we'll consider ourselves prepared and lucky. In this process, I'm seeing a lot of similarities to the way of life we're preparing for and the life we've been trying to accomplish. Funny how that works.

By the grace of God, we were given an old, small camper trailer this last spring. My husband and brother-in-law have been fixing it up, dreaming of vacations and fishing trips. It was a hunting camper, so thing bachelor pad times 100. In good shape, but in need of fixing up to be 'family friendly'. It was also used as a kid's playhouse (and still is, as our girls often ask to go play in the camper rather than their bedroom!). If an evacuation is necessary, this camper will go from more than just a fun project and "vacation home". It will BE our home until we find newer, more permanent living arrangements.

We started by pulling up the old carpeting. Thankfully there wasn't really any water damage on the floorboards, but there was a gap between the floor and the wall on one side. My husband fixed that, and my brother in law paid for new laminate wood flooring and trim to go in. It's so pretty! We also got a new roof vent with a fan to circulate air. We're still scouting Craigslist for a roof top air conditioner since my asthma does worse in warmer temperatures...but most of our travels are in the fall so we don't anticipate a big issue here. We need some new paneling on the ceiling where there was some water damage around the old vent, but that is easy to fix whenever we have time. A big, old metal water tank was removed to add more storage space, and if we decide we want a water tank in the future for boondocking we will add a plastic one beneath the camper.

For now the dinette table that converts to a bed is just used as a bed. Rather than the cushions for the seats making a mattress, we have a twin mattress down. We figure if we have to evacuate due to flooding, we will be in the camper for a while, and our bigger girls having a comfortable sleeping spot is more important than a table! We can eat with lap trays. It also lets us use the area under the mattress as extra storage.

Storage. If I thought trying to figure out how to fit the lives of 5 (soon to be 6) people into a ~900 sq ft house was a challenge, I was foolish. Try doing it with a 12' (my estimate is 12') travel trailer! We have built in storage under each of the dinette seats (basically each is the size of a toybox or storage bench), and under the full size sofa bed (it is pretty much a futon style built onto a box frame). There is a small closet with hanging space, and 3 pull out drawers. Then in the "kitchen" there are cabinets above the counter, 3-4 more pull out drawers (silverware sized drawers) next to the stove, and a storage shelf under the sink/countertop. And another small cabinet above the dinette. It's actually a lot of space for such a small camper! I'm grateful it already has an oven/stove combo. This one is older, but looks brand new inside the stove. And a new one that looks the same but with updated finishes (no dark brown appliances!) is $300!

I've figured out we'll need to store a Wonder Wash for washing clothes when boondocking, and washing diapers all the time. If we evacuate, we'll be using a stash of all flat style diapers with wool covers. And taking our 3 pocket diapers to use for overnights or covers while the wool is being washed and dried. This will easily store in the bottom of the closet, along with a simple tote to hold the diapers.

Kitchen supplies are as follows:
-Cast iron skillet and dutch oven (the skillet doubles as a lid, the dutch oven doubles as a pot)
-1 cafeteria style tray/plate for each person
-1 bowl per person
-1 reusable straw cup (the kind that look like a fast food cup) per person
-Silverware set for each person
-2 flannel napkins per person
-Metal spoon and spatula
-Cookie sheet
-Foldable lap trays to eat on (these are at the RV store)
-Kitchenaid mixer (stored in the dinette...not sure if we'll use it in the camper, but I don't want to lose it to flooding, either!)

Our clothes options will be cut down as well. Our older girls can wear the same size shirts, which will make it easy. I plan on packing 4-6 short sleeve shirts for them to share. They will each take 2 pairs of jeans, and 2-3 dresses each. They wear the same size underwear, too, which for now means it all gets thrown in a drawer together. Hubby and I will each take 2 pairs of jeans (for me jeans and one skirt), and shirts. The 15 month old, well, that's the tough one. Probably 3 dresses, 3 pants, and a LOT of shirts, since that's what gets the messiest! All of this should hang in the closet without issue, and the drawers will be used for underwear and socks.

One of the dinette bench areas has been designated as the girls' storage spot. So their special toys they want to make sure aren't flooded will be put here. As well as the six year old's computer school program (Fisher Price Cool School). Everyday toys and homeschooling books will be kept in a small bin under the table top where it's easily accessible. Shoes can be stored here, too. The other dinette storage and the area under our bed are for the things in the house that we don't want to lose but don't necessarily use everyday. Pictures. My grandfather's cowboy hat and fiddle (which I'm teaching myself to play). The broken laptops I need pictures off of. Our Wii and maybe our small 19" TV (so we have them to use if we are at an RV park with electric hookups) if there's room. Our important papers we need.

Then there are the animals. We have 2 dachshunds and our cat. The cat is the tricky one, because of the litter box in such a small area. I see us using one of the top entry cat boxes, and storing it in the cubby space under the counter. That way litter isn't always getting strewn about. We'll have storage in the cargo area of our SUV, too. In addition to the stroller, we'll be storing the dog and cat food there, so when they aren't eating it's out of the way.

Our everyday stuff- the android tablet (which we'll likely purchase a keyboard case for and use in lieu of a laptop in the camper), the nook (I won't be bringing my books with me, so this will be my reading source), a sewing kit, my crochet hooks/yarn, and my camera stuff will be in the cabinet above the dinette.

It sounds like a LOT of stuff in a small area. And really, it kind of is. But, it all has a purpose (not the pictures, hat or fiddle, but really preserving the past IS a purpose). And it is all dear to us and most will be used daily. If we have to live this way, is that really bad? We try, so hard, to simplify constantly. And it seems like we're always falling just short of it. Of course we can't get rid of THAT! But yet, when forced to look at what we could bring with us, suddenly "THAT" didn't make the list. So why do we need it in the house? We're taking the space available, and using it intentionally and wisely. The idea that we could not only live in such a space, but possibly thrive? It thrills me. Not that I want to be evacuated, face losing everything, and starting over. Especially not when I'm more than halfway through a pregnancy (and could be even further than that by the time something may happen!). But just seeing the possibility of a simpler life being not only possible but attainable is great.

And the stuff we're doing? It all fits with a lot of our self-sufficient/urban homesteading ideals. We're re-thinking and using things with less electricity (a small tablet vs a laptop, having the TV be put away for occasional use only), simplifying our entertainment (the fiddle and the nook, some cards vs a lot of books and magazines, video games, etc), and we can easily outfit the camper with solar electricity to power the chargers for what we'll be using when we need to.

Of course, we'll need to have somewhere available for showering (we could go full out and do dry showers, but really we won't be full-time travelers, we'd be parked somewhere until we find housing or could return to our house). And some of our sustainable urban homesteading dreams are impossible in a small camper. The only chickens in there will be the chalkboard rooster decals I'm putting on the floor for the kids to draw on! Our garden would be obsolete, though I'd likely bring my spearmint and rosemary plants since we do use them in our cooking.

Since we do eventually want to buy an acreage and maybe live in the camper while building our own place, this exercise in preparedness has, if nothing else, shown us that it is possible. Don't get me wrong, if this were long term living in a camper, we'd be buying a bigger rig! But it's nice to know that even if we have to leave our house, we can still have our home.

Trusting birth...

2011-06-01T17:27:00.004-05:00

I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of the Trust Birth movement. I know there is a lot of controversy and drama surrounding it, and so like most things in the natural birth and parenting circles, I tend to stay on the sidelines with my mouth shut. I don't like getting pulled into drama. I hate it, in fact. And if the choice is perhaps missing out on a group of kindred spirits (or people I can't stand...) in exchange for not being privy to drama, I'll happily miss out.

But, being a home birther, I hear Trust Birth a lot, in both good and bad context. Home birthers are not all hippies pulled from an SNL skit. There are people who home birth but are just as ok with the idea of an elective c-section with no medical indication. Home birthers who don't like their local hospital otherwise they'd be in line for the epidural in their 38th week! And yes, home birthers who feel that any presence besides their own (including their partner, a midwife, a doula, or children) is detrimental to the birth process. We, like any group of people, run the gamut.

Me? I trust birth...to a point. TO me, it means I trust birth like I trust breathing. Keep in mind you are reading the blog of an asthmatic who has had very severe attacks. I trust my body knows how to breathe, but I accept it doesn't always do it like it should. Just like I trust that my body knows how to give birth, but I accept that it doesn't always happen like it should either. There are conditions and complications.

If I have an asthma attack, I use the resources at my disposal to remedy the attack. Sometimes that means natural remedies. I drink a glass of black coffee. Sometimes it means using my nebulizer here at home. And other times it means hauling my wheezing butt to the hospital because I know that getting my lungs under control is beyond what I know how to do at that point.

Similarly, I can give birth. I've done it three times, and done a fantastic job if I do say so myself. My body labors quickly and efficiently and I've been blessed to have no complications and easy recoveries. I have no doubts I can give birth a fourth time. But, I have breathed with no issues for the vast majority of my 26 years. It's just the few times I didn't that could've been a big problem.

I guess I'm saying that yes, I trust that my body knows how to grow and birth a baby. I also trust that just like I know when I need help during an asthma attack, I will know if I need help during birth. For me, the process would be different. I personally would not try home remedies first, then medicine at home, then hospital. If I were in labor and had anything that was *off* from my other births, I would not hesitate to transfer. I know this seems highly alarmist to some, and highly crazy to others who don't think a mother will always know.

I also trust that with birth, like anything else in life, there are no guarantees. If I consent to a hospital birth with all of the interventions that are in place to save mothers and babies, guess what? My baby or myself may still wind up seriously injured, ill, or dead. Maybe because we were in the hospital to begin with, and maybe because sometimes bad things happen that we have no control over.

At home, whether with an attendant or without one, same thing. Staying home takes away some risks, but (ducking from home birth advocate's rocks here) it does create others. If baby or I wound up injured, ill, or dead at home it may have been because we didn't go to the hospital. It may have been because for reasons unknown to us, it was just time.

It is a reality that, frankly, sucks. There are no guarantees in life. Life is full of unknowns and risks and benefits. It is scary. So how do we really trust anything? I think rather than trusting birth, or breathing, or any other natural process, we need to first trust ourselves. Trust in God, or whatever spiritual source you look to (if you do at all), that we have the ability to handle the unknowns that are thrown our way. That we are smart enough to do our research and prepare ourselves for what we face in life whether it be parenting, birth, our health, finances, relationships, any of it. And that we can look at the risks, look at the benefits of all our different options and know which has the risks that are acceptable to us.

So, maybe I don't trust birth after all. Maybe instead, I just trust...Me.

A month of challenge...

2011-05-24T13:20:00.003-05:00

This month has been a month of challenge. And that's putting it as nicely as possible! April ended with me landing in the ER for IV rehydration because of severe morning sickness/possible hyperemesis. I've had this problem before in previous pregnancies, so it wasn't a surprise, but it is a lot harder to deal with when there are three kids underfoot. Last time it was this bad, I had no children, just 3 large dogs and a rabbit.

May began with my husband in the ER for what appeared to possibly be a heart attack! He had chest pain, his left shoulder/arm was in pain, and breathing was difficult. It wasn't, thank God, a heart attack, but a combination of bronchitis and pluerisy. His blood pressure, however, was dangerously high even after strong painkillers, so we followed up with our family doctor the next day. He prescribed a blood pressure medicine.

That medicine is working, but the dose that had been prescribed was too high and had dangerous side effect. My husband was completely out of it. He drove 10 miles from work to his mother's with no recollection of doing so! And promptly fell on her front porch, hitting his head on the metal porch swing. He was unconscious, and we're still unsure if he was unconscious when he fell, or if he was knocked out from the fall. He and I lean toward the first explanation since he injured his head hitting it and there was no indication that he had tried to break his fall.

That incident landed him in the hospital for a weekend (he fell on Friday evening) while they figured out if the head injury was serious, and observed him on a lower dose of the BP meds. He was sent home Sunday with pain medication for the head injury since it resulted in a bone bruise on his forehead.

Thursday somebody broke into his car and stole his medications. He had them in the car since he took them at work, and our kids have managed to figure out all child locks we've bought so far! This wasn't a big deal, but he had to run all the way to the doctor's with the police report, and then to the pharmacy before work that day. Made for a hectic morning for sure!

We also had a family crisis that is too personal to post about on a public blog right now. It has left me dealing with lots of trust issues, even to the point of wanting to move with no forwarding address and just start over elsewhere. Let our parents and family know where we are, but beyond that just drop off the grid. I hate that I let somebody's foolishness affect me like this, but I'm slowly working through it.

Through it all, though, I'm faithful that we'll make it out better and stronger for these challenges. We've all heard it said that God will never give us more than we can handle, and this month has convinced me that I am stronger than I thought I was. We are re-commited to each other as a family, and strengthening our family bond.

I'm ready for June. The arrival of summer brings with it a sense of busyness, love of time outdoors, and a fun, relaxed pace. It is also bringing this year our challenge to use as little artificial light as possible. After sundown we'll be using only lanterns, and no TV, cell phone internet, or computer. My sleep schedule, as well as the girls', has been awful and this is a good way to learn about energy conservation AND help reset our natural circadian rhythms.

Spring is here!

2011-04-05T02:29:00.002-05:00

This weekend we started our garden. Sort of. We've never really done a garden before. So we are starting with heirloom seeds. This weekend we started our bell pepper and two tomato varieties indoors (brandywine and yellow pear tomatoes). More seeds will be started as the season progresses.

I am on the search for a large outdoor dog kennel/run. This will be used not for the dogs, but to add to our chicken run. That way the chickens and dogs can be kept outside together. We'd considered using the kennel for the dogs, and may still decide to do that, but its easier to call dogs into the house than round chickens up and herd them into a coop! They will still have plenty of chances to be loose in the yard, but our run right now is entirely too small for them to be in all day while the dogs are out.

The last part of our spring prep I'm not sure if its the changing seasons or the pregnancy causing it. I'm in a purging frenzy! In the past two weeks I've gotten rid of 5 black trash bags and 2 13 gallon trash bags worth of STUFF. Stuff we didn't need. Clothes, toys, papers, books, etc. Just clutter! And I'm still working on it. My vice is keeping magazines. I need to devote a couple hours to going through my basket of magazines and and purging them. And getting my pictures all in frames. We have a credit with the local home improvement store, too, so I see painting in our future! We'll likely start with our living room/kitchen and our bedroom. The kids rooms desperately need it, but they have to prove that they are done with the drawing on the walls before I expend the energy to fix their rooms up!

Hope to have lots of pictures of our spring progress to share in the future!

Shock and Awe

2011-03-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

A week and a half ago, we got a big surprise- we're expecting baby number FOUR! This came as a shock since my cycles weren't regulated and I am still breastfeeding six to ten times each day. Its definitely a welcome surprise. We really have everything we need for baby, except for a few diaper covers that I plan to crochet, so I get to just relax and focus solely on growing this new life that's inside of me.

Pregnancy symptoms are few but noticeable. I'm very nauseous, especially before 10AM, and around midnight. I have to use the restroom a LOT. I'm exhausted all the time. As annoying as these sound, I am grateful for each of them. After multiple early losses, you learn to find comfort in any sign that your body is safely growing this particular baby. I'm 5.5 weeks, so these are about the only noticeable symptoms I could be having anyway. I start showing early, so am enjoying these next few weeks, as I'm normally in maternity clothes from week 12 or so.

After talking with my husband, praying, and talking to good friends, we are committed to the idea of birthing unassisted (UC; unassisted childbirth). This will be our third homebirth, and our second unassisted birth (the first was unintentional and the midwife was on her way). We knew right away that going anywhere else to birth wouldn't be smart for us. I am blessed and cursed by precipitous labors. Blessed because they're nice and quick. Cursed because they are often intense, and because it means if we choose to leave home for the birth we face the real possibility of a car labor. Which is something that even though we prepare for it (have an emergency birth kit in the van from 36+ weeks), we'd like to avoid. We don't live far from a hospital but would have to wait for hubby to get home from work, someone to get the kids, etc. And precipitous labor in and of itself does not justify to us the risks that come with getting induced just to ensure we're in a "safe" place for the birth.

We've had a hospital birth, an unintentional unassisted birth (our best birth thus far, even with the hardest labor!), and a midwife assisted birth. I labor best alone. Even in the hospital (my longest labor- six hours), I sent hubby to the main room while I was in the tub alone for the majority of active labor. Our first UC hubby was there with me for a lot of the labor. Baby was posterior until the very end and transition was long while she rotated to anterior. I needed his support. Hip squeezes, hanging off his shoulders, etc. But once she turned, I again preferred to space out and be alone. This last birth I was alone for the first half hour, one fourth of the total time I was in labor/birthing. The rest of the time my husband, the midwife, her assistant, and even our then 4 and 2 year olds were around. But I did have another 5-10 minutes alone in the bathroom at that time.

We both are educated, and will further educate ourselves, on childbirth. We'll also both be taking a neonatal resuscitation and CPR course. We plan to see the doctor we used for backup with our homebirths for prenatal care and if we feel its necessary to transfer. I'll likely rent or borrow a doppler to have around during the birth in case labor is longer than we expect, we can check on the baby.

Expect a few posts in the future dedicated to the pregnancy, but not a ton. This isn't a pregnancy blog. I will definitely be posting our maternity pictures when we do them. I am excited to do shots in the World War 2 pinup girl style along with some more traditional shots. I may also do some about our birth kit, hypnobirthing, and preparing to tandem nurse for the second time.

One of my favorite resources for information on UC is BornFree!, a site from Laura Shanley.

Granting myself Grace...

2011-01-16T17:00:00.000-06:00

As a mother, we often have to give our children the room to fail. To have a shortcoming and be ok with not being perfect at everything. As a Christian, I call it granting grace to my children. I do it when they can't clean up messes by themselves, or when they need extra help with something. But, we rarely extend this grace to ourselves.

I am not a housewife at heart. Cleaning and meal plans are not second nature to me. I often beat myself up about thid. I SHOULD keep a tidy house effortlessly, and be able to whip up a month worth of yummy freezer foods in 30 minutes and bake bread from scratch twice daily. I mean, any good housewife can, right?

But the thing I am the worst at? Clothes management. I don't save clothes for the younger kids as the older ones outgrow them. I am saving a few things for Reese since she is so close in size to Anna-Lee now, but as a rule I don't save clothes by size and season. We just buy clothes from the thrift store and sales and consignment places as needed. I spend around $2-400 a year on clothes for all 5 of us. Hubby and I of course keep clothes since we don't have growth spurts to worry about!

I've decided to grant myself some grace in this area. Its ok to not save and store every article of clothes in case we can use it again down the road. By donating it, I'm passing it on to another thrifty mama for her little ones. I'm letting myself stay sane, save space (we have no room to store totes of clothes even if I were so inclined), and I remind myself that its ok to not be perfect. Now, I've got 30 minutes and 25 meals to cook if you'll excuse me.

Where can you stand to give yourself a little grace? Maybe you beat yourself up about sleep issues with your baby. Its ok to have a crappy sleeper. Eventually they outgrow it, or are old enough that a doctor will listen and help. Maybe your body doesn't want to let go of those last few pregnancy pounds...curves are HOT! Be gentle with yourselves, and extend the grace we as mothers give to everyone else to yourself once in a while. You'll be glad you did.

Hybrid Schooling

2011-01-09T14:42:00.001-06:00

We are a homeschooling family. A homeschooling family who, as of January 25th, will have one daughter in public kindergarten. I still consider us a homeschooling family. We are doing hybrid schooling. Everything can be hybrid these days. Cars are gas and electric. Diapers can work both as cloth or disposable. Why can't schooling be a hybrid of classroom and homeschooling?

Our decision is one of both convenience and personality. A-L went in for her speech evaluation and she will need to be at the school for speech therapy 2-3 times/week. We do live close to the school, but the fact is that it would mean getting the other kids both dressed and ready to go twice a day 2-3 times/week when they don't need to go anywhere.

As we were leaving, I saw my first grade teacher, who is now the kindergarten teacher. We stopped to talk to her, since I've stayed in touch with her. A-L has been asking to go to Kindergarten. I asked the teacher, Mrs. W, about the possibility of Anna-Lee being in her class. She said they could definitely have her in class. We then went down to the room so A-L could see it. We talked a while, and Mrs. W told me to be sure to come down and help out with class parties, field trips, etc. whenever I could. We even discussed the possibility of us hatching some eggs in the class. She also made sure to tell me if public school wasn't working out, just let her know and if she could change anything she would. Otherwise don't feel bad about pulling her out. She also offered to get me in touch with other homeschooling families in town. Love this woman.

A-L and I also butt heads with my teaching style and her learning style. I think her and Mrs. W will be a better fit right now.

Which is where the hybrid comes in. I will continue to work with her here at home. Especially on science and history stuff. And I will work alongside the lessons she's learning at school with Mrs. W on other subjects. That way, she can be learning it while we work on finding a teaching/learning style that suit our mother/daughter dynamic. Best of both worlds. Hybrid schooling.

Anna-Lee

2011-01-04T01:30:00.000-06:00

My sweet, wonderful Anna-Lee. She is five. How, when did that happen? I feel like she was just born. That sounds so cliche, but boy how its true! I wanted to do a little post introducing the world to this little girl who I proudly call myself mama to.

She's grown into an awesome child. But, to challenge me, God has blessed her with a personality like her mother's. This causes us to butt heads, and often. She is inquisitive, scatter-brained, silly, shy, serious, bossy, quick to anger, but also quick to love and to nurture. She's sassy, and smart beyond her years.

To her downfall, she has speech issues. This has made me overly protective. She's such a delicate soul. And she feels so fully and passionately (also like her mother!), that I have been terrified of her getting made fun of for how she talks. I had planned on sending her to school for preschool through 3rd grade before homeschooling. But each year I've found a reason not to. And it is because I was scared of her getting made fun of or bullied by other kids. As the victim of bullying myself, I would do anything to keep her from that.

Some of her favorite things are dinosaurs, astronomy, princesses, dolphins, snuggling with baby Lucy and Reese, and spending time on "family dates". She CRAVES time with other kids, which now that we are out of my crazy time at work, I will be setting up as much as I can. We are looking for dance lessons, and perhaps something like 4-H, Girl Scouts, or Youth Group.

Reflections of a laid back Mama

2010-11-30T00:10:00.000-06:00

I admit, in most areas, I'm extremely type A. I've always been high strung
In massage school, I hated getting massages because I couldn't relax during them. Having to lie still, trying to relax, it was impossible to not sit an think of all the better, more productive ways I could use my time. Mothering, however, is where I'm surprisingly relaxed and go with the flow.

9 months of a horribly colicky baby didn't phase me. Ok, the car screaming got to me. But not enough to keep me from wanting another before the colic had ended. Breastfeeding challenges happened, and were dealt with. I didn't fret over them or stop breastfeeding, I went with it and waited for things to work themselves out. A lot of nights with my oldest were spent walking her in the sling singing an endless loop of "Jesus Loves Me". I just figured that's what I signed up for when I decided to have a baby and went with it. If Anna-Lee had a cold or cough, we went to the chiropractor and waited it out. I don't think I called the doctor's office once with her except when she got a sinus infection at 10 months.

When Reese was born, I thought I'd need more routine and structure, since we had none. But it kept pretty much the same. Transitioning from one to two was easy for me. It through me for a loop when, at 15 months old, Reese put herself on an early bedtime schedule. Its still a struggle since the rest of us are night owls! But it was still a go with the slow sort of thing.

This year, my laid back approach to parenting has been thrown test after test. I have had some awful nursing struggles, some that made me understand how easy it is for Similac and Enfamil to convince struggling mothers that their products are just as good as breastmilk. I had postpartum anxiety that caused a lot of issues. Funny that something I'm so laid back about leaves me with an anxiety disorder, eh? Then, Joeygirl broke her leg when I was alone with the kids at the park during a high anxiety day. Even then, I simply threw her on my back, walked home, and loaded the kids up to go to the ER (I thought she'd simply hurt her ankle). While she was still in her cast I had to call poison control when she somehow found my bottle of imitrex missing 2 pills (no pills were missing, I forgot I'd taken some on vacation ).

Tonight I almost went high strung. Anna-Lee, who is five, was in bed. Her and Joeygirl go to bed together each night and talk until they crash. Tonight they were also playing around. My husband and I often sleep in our jeans for warmth. Especially me now that it's cold. I must've had change in my pocket because Anna-Lee comes screaming down the hallway that she has a quarter stuck in her throat.

I turned her over, patting her back as hard as I could. She was coughing and screaming. I swept my finger in her mouth to see if I could get it. Nothing. Tried the Heimlich. Nothing. She's still screaming, coughing, gasping, but it seemed like breathing was getting difficult. I couldn't tell if it was her being scared or that she was starting to choke. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911. As they were paging the squad, she coughs up the quarter. I stop them from sending the ambulance and lose it.

I'm shaking, crying...and hugging her like crazy. 15 minutes later she was getting sent back to bed. And as I sit and am readying myself for sleep, I'm so grateful she's ok. Seeing your own mortality is scary; seeing even an ever so brief glimpse of your child's mortality is downright terrifying. And I'm also thankful God has blessed me with such an out of character laid back approach to parenting. I know how high strung me is in an emergency. I freak out and freeze. Anxiety and fear immobilize me and I turn into a blubbering fool. Imagine if I did that when I was alone and faced with a child emergency. Being a laid back mom has allowed me to see my job as a parent with a clear head. Its allowed me to find great joy in the good parts, and tool with the punches in the bad times in a way I haven't been able to do with anything else.

Not that I don't get frustrated or lose my cool. I do. But far less than with anything else. We're all going to worry about our kids. Its what mothers do. But I wish I could tell moms to relax. Its not rocket science. Without medical need, how many wet or dirty diapers your baby has, how often they nurse, or how regimented their schedules are doesn't matter. Babies eat when hungry or thirsty. They sleep when tired, and don't sleep when overly tired. There's nothing wrong with helping them sleep better...but some kids are awful sleepers. And its ok. They'll work it out in time. If you're freaking and stressing it doesn't help you or them. A relaxed mama makes it so much easier for both of you.

So breathe. Its ok if you're not perfect. None of us are. And its okay to have a baby that's up a million times a night, who nurses more than what textbooks say they should...even if this is your baby, they're still a "good" baby (I hate when people ask if L is a good baby, by the way. WTF is a bad baby?!?). Relax. Take a deep breath. Do some yoga, read the book of your choice, light a candle, say a prayer, maybe down a shot. Whatever works
Just know you'll be ok. And don't forget to remember to slow down. If you're so tightly wound its too easy to miss all the awesome things that kids bring to your life everyday.

2010-11-09T22:25:00.000-06:00

My sweet Joeygirl. This was taken last fall. I was pregnant and we were with a friend downtown playing. This picture just captures her goofy wonderful side. Reese means enthusiastic. We chose the right name. Next kid will be Serenity or Tranquility or something like that. She lives with passion and vibrancy.

Advocacy is not condescending.

2010-09-23T15:56:00.000-05:00

By now, most of you have heard that the makers of Similac have recalled many of their containers of powdered baby formula because it contained beetle parts that were making babies sick. This has caused a series of condescending remarks from breastfeeding supporters over various social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Let me be clear; being thankful you breastfeed and are not affected is NOT condescending. I'm strictly referring to things like saying "that's what you get when you give your kid crap from a can" or insinuating that parents brought this on themselves. No, they didn't.

To them I say, shut up and show some respect! Yes, the company is awful. They give out unwanted samples timed to coincide with major growth spurts to undermine breastfeeding. They violate the WHO code at every turn. But, it isn't them who is most affected by this recall. Its the babies who use their formula and the parents of those babies. Who have, by choice or necessity, chosen a different way to feed their infants. And now they find out that choice could make their baby sick. Some of them are finding out the formula they have can't be used and now can't figure out what how they are going to afford food for their babies before the company begins dolling out refunds.

And all you can do is make jokes about how your breastmilk is bug free? These families are hurt by this recall. Some may already feel guilty that they couldn't breastfeed and had to use formula. Do you really think making them feel worse supports breastfeeding? Nobody is worried more about this recall than these parents. So let's kick them while they're down, shall we?

Yes, breastmilk will never be recalled. Yes, its best for a baby to be exclusively fed. Its also best for every family to have a home of their own, be independently wealthy, and to have a smaller carbon footprint. Best, unfortunately, doesn't always happen. Instead of taking the "I'm better than you because I breastfeed my kid," route let's lobby for more women to donate their breastmilk to milk banks. If that happened, providing baby's who aren't breastfed with donor milk wouldn't be cost prohibitive. Let's educate women on overcoming basic nursing problems so formula isn't so appealing in times of trouble. Work to make formula the 4th choice is should be (breastfeeding from mom, pumped milk from mom, donor breastmilk, formula) instead of the second.

But, before we can do any of that and be taken seriously, we have to stop acting like we're the catty cliques in high school. We're mothers and women. We're powerful. Our voices have weight to them. Let's use them for the greater good, shall we?

Autumnal Bliss, or something like that...

2010-09-07T01:13:00.000-05:00

Autumn is fast approaching. The best time of year, at least in our family! Cooler weather means we get to bring out the hoodies. The favorite weather is when we can comfortably wear a hoodie, jeans...and flip flops. The air is warm, but with a nice crispness to it. September to November is our busy time. One of the best things about homeschooling (for us) is that we can plan our fall activities and travels without worrying about the hassle of pulling A-L out of school.

I found an ad on Craigslist for organic apples from a local farm. Bruised ones for making applesauce and cider are only $3 a bushel. I plan on getting at least a bushel of those and a bushel of non bruised ones for making pies, drying into apple chips, etc. There will be lots of apple-y goodness for us this fall!

At the end of the month is River City Roundup. I love going and letting the kids see the farm animals, play in the kids area, etc. And I love all the cooking demonstrations, crafting displays...and seeing the animals. Every year someone is selling lab puppies. And every year I have to remind myself that I don't really care for labs. Because I do care for puppies. This year, however, I'm hoping someone is there showing Silkie chickens. And looking to sell them after the show. Because I want a Silkie so bad. Cute little puffballs! And hubby doesn't care about the chickens because they are the easiest pets ever.

Then comes mine and hubbys anniversary. The end of September is ten years since we began dating. The beginning of October is seven years of marriage. Our celebrations will not be together, however. He's going to a 49ers game at the end of this month with his brother and cousins. I'm going with my little sister to Colorado to a Hanson concert at the beginning of October. Together we'll have dinner and take a long drive to nowhere. Its been our favorite thing to do for 10 years, why change it now?

October. Lots of pumpkin carving, costume planning/making, backyard bonfires, walks outside, playing in leaves, and going for drives. We soak up as many autumn days as we can. Since we took a long camping trip in the spring, we won't be taking one this fall. I plan to borrow a tent from a friend and have some backyard campouts. Which we can do I n fall and not get eaten to death by bugs!

I'm working on getting my laptop adapter ordered. So expect more posts on our autumn adventures complete with pictures! First up will be adventures in canning!

"Bad Mom" Confessions

2010-08-30T11:57:00.000-05:00

1. I loathe Dora the Explorer. Dora is banned in our house. My oldest is very aware of this, and has apologized for watching it at other's houses (which I don't care about, so long as I don't have to watch it). I don't have issues with teaching kids, or kids tv in general. But I do take issues with people yelling as their normal speaking voice. Billy Mays as well as the entire cast of Jersey Shore grate the same nerves within me as Dora. Plus, my mother ran a home daycare. The half hour or so of TV time was generally reserved for Dora or Blues Clues. I got played out on these shows long before I had the desire to be a parent. Other shows I don't allow include SpongeBob, Yo Gabba Gabba (we listen and dance to real music, thanks), Angelina Ballerina, Max and Ruby, and the vaccination episode of Sid the Science Kid.

2. I don't like that certain food brands, books, and experts are trying to convince and encourage me to hide the healthy benefits of food to my kids. We are not close to being a super healthy household. But I'm not trying to hide the benefits of healthy foods OR the pitfalls of junk food. If I always hide veggies in other foods, how are my kids supposed to know they love them? If I make yummy chocolate brownies and hide that they are full of healthy zuchinni, they go into the world only knowing they like brownies. Completely oblivious that they also like a healthy, good for them vegetable. Be honest! Offer different presentations of foods kids aren't crazy about, but don't lie about their presence. My oldest has proclaimed her hatred of broccoli for a year or so now, but loves broccoli soup. Knowing the soup has broccoli gives her a push to try it in other ways.

3. I don't buy into the idea of pushing learning on kids. Stimulate your baby's mind with these DVDs! Teach your newborn to read! If you don't, how will they get the early acceptance to Yale before their 10th birthday? Maybe they won't. And maybe they won't want to. We are definitely closer to unschooling than prep school on the education spectrum. We try to help the kids learn by fostering their own learning goals and interests. I've heard people say that kids won't learn without structure and an adult telling them what to learn and showing them how. Maybe for some kids that's true. But like most things, learning isn't a one size fits all thing. My 5 year old loves letters. She knows how to write all of the letters (and asked to learn how to write without pressure from us), and regularly sits with a notebook asking us to spell things so she can learn to write words. She asks what words in books, magazines, and signs are. We tell her, and she works on sounding them out and memorizing them. She is going to attend homeschool classes at the zoo because she's asked to learn more about animals. Expanding on her natural desire to learn has worked well for us, and I'm not embarrassed to say that we haven't gotten any acceptance letters yet, and my 5 month old is illiterate.

Music and Pictures and Midwives, oh my!

2010-08-29T21:26:00.000-05:00

This past week, I took my Lucy to her second concert. Her first was a Casting Crowns show at 2 weeks old. This was a heavy metal festival that I took my little sister to. It was 4 bands, and we were there 6 hours (4 hrs of music). All outdoors. Now at the indoor concert we used earplugs and had a folded receiving blanket around her ears. She was also was in the Ergo, which added a couple layers of a strong canvas over her ears as well. Well, for this outdoor concert I didn't do any of that. We were outside, and chose a spot on the lawn that wasn't close to the stage and was to the side of the speakers to allow for sound dispersal. Frankly, the Hanson concert I had attended (without baby) earlier in the month was much, much louder than this metal show was due to the sound distribution and our location on the grounds.

I did my research before taking a baby to a concert. My oldest went to a show just shy of 2 months. We always make sure if we are in an enclosed location that proper ear protection is used. My own mother suffers from hearing loss, so its not something I am cavalier about. I do not feel after the research that I've done that I am putting my kids through any kind of danger.

So, you can imagine my surprise when my little sister, Lucy, and I were accosted at this show. We were on a quilt on the lawn and using the quilt as needed to block the sun from Lucy (same as we would've been doing in the backyard at home had we not been at the show...it was a nice day after a week of hellacious heat indexes). An older woman started yelling at me, saying I had no business bringing a child there (she was there with her own, albeit preteen, child), and that a mother needed to learn to make sacrifices and not be so selfish as to harm their child for their own pleasure. Wow. I calmly explained it would be more harmful to leave my child away from my lactating breasts and that I have three happy, healthy, thriving children so I think I'm doing just fine raising them as I see fit. Visually unsatisfied with my lack of emotional response, she huffed off angrily. My little sister asked why I didn't get angry AT the woman, because I was visibly upset after she walked off.

I explained to her an important lesson. One that the lady, and many need to know. Some people will ALWAYS need to belittle others to boost their own ego. They need to point out the flaws of others in order to overlook their own insecurities. Perhaps she was having a bad day and trying to cut a seemingly young, new mother down was going to be her easy fix to get her jollies and feel better. But, the lesson is this: be confident in yourself and do what you know is right for you and yours, and those people can't get to you. They can try, and they will try. And yes, it upsets me when they do simply because I don't like being exposed to rudeness, ignorance, and immaturity. But as long as you are 100% ready to stand by your choices, its best to not let those people ruffle your feathers. It gives them what they want and encourages them to spread their toxicity to others. Make the cycle stop with you. Maybe that lady simply moved on and was mean to someone else. But maybe, just maybe, not getting a rise out of me made her think before attacking someone else. I hope it did.

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Lately, the need for creative expression has become more important to me. I haven't really done anything creative since my oldest was born some 5 years ago. This is a lifetime for me. Before that I played piano, journaled (not online, but pen to paper), took pictures, acted a little, sang in chior, etc. I had been using massage therapy as a creative outlet. But my wrist issues had that on the backburner as well. I was stagnating. This pent up creative energy was threatening to explode out of me like a volcano bubbling beneath Earth's surface.

I bought a $1 composition notebook. I've written 3 short poems and a few lines of stream of consciousness writing. All of it fit on one page. But it calmed the bubbling lava within me. Then, I busted our my camera. Shooting candids of the kids. Playing with focus, aperture, and cropping. Its made me feel renewed. I'm currently doing a photo shoot for my little sister. We got some amazing nature shots today, and will be heading downtown to do some in an urban setting later this week. Its great to have a creative outlet I am passionate about and that comes naturally to me.

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Speaking of passions; I've decided its time to actively persue a midwifery education. Its time. I've looked at my options. I am vehemently uninterested in persuing a degree in nurse midwifery. There are amazing CNMs out there, and we need more great ones. But I'm not supposed to be one of them. I'm still figuring out my personal feelings on licensure for non-nurse midwives. I can see good and bad in both options. That being said we don't have a lot of education options to begin with, and less where I live, an area currently unfriendly to DEMs and C/LPMs. Of the distance options, there were two that I could realistically consider, given the financial and travel obligations. I'm still in the process of deciding for sure, but am currently leaning towards a program in Michigan.

This isn't my only option. Another local 'birthy' mama who I feel honored to call a friend is using self directed learning to work toward practicing as a DEM. I have so much respect for her. I know the discipline self teaching takes. And I just don't have that in me to give right now. I need the structure and guidance because otherwise I become too easily overwhelmed and wind up never making forward progress.

Because of the fact that neither of these schools participate in financial aid programs, I will be paying out of pocket. and working full-time in order to do so. Its a sacrifice, but one I feel compelled to make. Women need options for providers who will give them, their bodies, and their babies the respect they deserve during such a vulnerable, miraculous time in their lives. Especially women in our area. I feel excited and honored and humbled knowing that in just a few years I may be that option for some of these women.

Homeschooling By the Seat of Our Pants

2010-08-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

This summer, like last, was spent debating whether or not we would enroll Anna-Lee in our local public school. In the end we kept her home, but didn't really do any official homeschooling. We watched a ton of PBS shows, she played on her Fisher Price Computer Cool School, and we practiced capital letter writing and letter/number recognition. But we weren't particularly consistent or structured. This was, in large part, due to me being miserable and pregnant.

So this year we were faced with the same dilemma. Anna-Lee is a smart kid. She has amazing potential. But I was feeling a lot of outward pressure to send her to public school. To give myself a break. To get her the speech therapy she needs. After all, I had both of the kindergarten teachers when I went to school, so wouldn't this be the best year to give public school a try?

I thought Kelton felt this way. Mostly because of his lack of opinion! He's the strong, silent type and it isn't always a good thing. Last night, after going through the motions of getting ready to enroll her, I asked Kelton if he felt as bad about the decision as I was feeling. To my utter surprise, he was!

So we are homeschooling! We have decided to not go with a formal curriculum. We have more of the add-on discs for her computer, and will be doing lots of activities on it with her. We also plan on utilizing our zoo's homeschool classes, going to the children's museum, etc. Our goals for the year are to get her writing upper and lowercase letters (and using them in the correct places), learning phonics and reading, and really work on numbers and counting. This is an area she has demonstrated a weakness. I don't think these goals are particularly lofty or unrealistic, nor are they so attainable as to leave her (or us!) bored and unchallenged.

I'll be posting more about our adventures in homeschooling as the year progresses. Right now I'm just excited a decision has been made and set into motion!

Breastfeeding Woes

2010-08-12T23:00:00.000-05:00

I have been breastfeeding since Anna-Lee was born on June 28, 2005. Through two full term pregnancies. I tandem nursed for six months after Reese was born and for two months after Lucy was born. I've been through pump incompatibility resulting in recurrent plugged ducts, an 8 month battle with thrush (that caused a 1lb weight loss in Reese), and the normal pains of nursing while pregnant. None of these things ever made me think of stopping breastfeeding.

However, I'm in the midst of the most draining string of nursing troubles. Troubles that make me see why giving up is so tempting to so many moms. It started July 4th. I had mastitis. No big deal. It was on the left side, which is the side I rarely have problems with. But my immune system was weak, I'd had surgery 13 days before. I took garlic and felt better in a few days. A week and a half later, I had some gallbladder sttacks. They lasted a week. During that time I could hardly eat, which tanked my milk supply. So I was nursing a ton to get it back up. I got a plugged duct on the right side which caused another round of mastitis and a milk bleb. Which causes the duct behind it to keep plugging. It'll keep releasing then reforming. Even with taking lecithin, nursing on demand, heating packs, etc. We saw a breastfeeding doctor last week and the bleb had went away but returned last night.

I am getting so discouraged. I'm doing all the right things and none of it seems to be working. This is the first time I can see formula as tempting. Me, who has nursed two kids into toddlerhood. I won't go the formula route. But I'm considering giving up nursing on the right side. The pain is awful. Even worse is the relief I get when the bleb goes away, the duct unplugs, and all is well for a few days only to wake up with it starting all over again. I'm calling the doctor again tomorrow. And, if she thinks it will help, I will yet again make the 60 mile one way trip to see her. I am not giving up on breastfeeding. Not yet. I admit, if Lucy were older than 4 months, I would probably give it more consideration. Then again, breastfeeding hasn't been optional for our family since a few weeks after Anna-Lee was born. And my stubborn streak is a wide one. So if we were to give up, it would only be after one hell of a fight.

This battle does make me a lot more understanding of women who DO give up when faced with challenges. I'm lucky to be staying home right now and to have a supportive partner. If I were dealing with a demanding job, regular pumping, a husband who didn't share my strong opinions on breastfeeding importance, and a tribe of mamas who have helped make breastfeeding my norm, I probably wouldn't have nursed the older girls as long as I did or continue to fight through these blebs.

Getting beneath the surface

2010-07-21T17:13:00.000-05:00

It's pretty fair to say that our lives have been pretty chicken-centric as of late. So, it makes sense that when trying to put my battle with ppa into words, the images coming to mind have to do with eggs.

Broken, cracked shells. An egg shell doesn't shatter. The shell breaks and cracks, while being held together by a thin, transparent membrane. My outer shell is cracking, too. My ability to hide my reality was forced upon me my.whole life. I was the only one not surprised by my parents' divorce. Because they hid the problems and acted happy around everyone else. I was told without words that I was expected to help protect the facade of the perfect nuclear family.

So I still hide problems. I feel like showing imperfections is weakness and makes me an imposition on others. I try to act like things are great.

Great. What a lie that word is! How many times do we say that we're doing great when the truth couldn't he further from that? I know I'm not the only one who is like this.

And now, with this facade, this shell, cracking away there's exposed vulnerability. This is new to me. Me, the girl who finished small talk while paying the hairdresser seconds after finding out her Pa had died. Who doesn't break in front of anyone. Who's pulled together, at least marginally so.

This affects me in ways I'm not used to. Which brings us to the inside of the egg. Two words that fit an egg and my nerves: fried and scrambled.

I am constantly on the verge of tears. Stress of any kind renders me incapable of handling even daily life. And I can't take excess noise. The baby crying, the girls playing loudly, dogs barking, tv. All can cause me to mentally shut down. Because I can't cope if there's noise around me. I start to get why they put people in padded rooms. Because one sounds really nice about now.

Most of my days are spent outside with the kids (where noise doesn't bother me as much) or in the house sending them to play in a different room. This doesn't make me proud, and I feel guilty for constantly shooing them away. I keep saying soon I'll feel better. But when is soon?

Postpartum Depression, Anxiety, and Family Planning

2010-07-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

I've been battling postpartum anxiety again...which gives way to postpartum depression. I had this after R was born, too. Then I was in denial it was happening. I stopped taking the Zoloft I'd been prescribed, and acted like I was fine.

Except I wasn't. When R was 5 months old we moved into our house. Same town I've always lived in. I, the woman who never locks a door, would be awake all night worrying. It was just me and the girls home, K works overnight. Every tiny sound was lurking danger. If I dared fall asleep, my dreams were nightmares of people breaking in and doing horrible things to me and my children. So, I stayed up.

At the time, I had a part-time job. A job I loved, actually, full of people I loved seeing everyday. Every day I felt sane, that is. I called in more than anyone should. Not trying to slack off, but my anxiety was so bad at times that I had huge panic attacks just trying to get out of bed. I still feel bad about that.

This time I was trying to avoid PPD/A. I spend time outside for vitamin d. I'm taking fish oil and encapsulated placenta. It didn't work. I am not as bad as I was after R's birth. Which surprises me because I have family issues that I figured would be a catalyst for any anxiety issues.

This time, though, I feel like my kids are suffering more. I yell. A lot. They play in their toyroom without me a lot. because sometimes I just can't cope with the incessant talking and noise. I'm just not an engaged parent, and I get mat at them far more than they deserve. Apologies are an everyday occurrence around here.

Which has me questioning if we should consider more kids. I have said since we decided to have more than one that I want four kids. And K has agreed to four, but I know he feels 3 is a better number for us. I really don't feel done. But is it fair to my children to put them through this postpartum Hell again? I don't know. But the only kind of birth control that has ever worked for me isn't safe while breastfeeding...and my sleep isnt conducive to charting. Which has me at a loss.

I hate the idea of birth control (for me! No issues with it for anyone else...) anyway. I very much believe there is a plan for us all, so if I'm supposed to have another child, it'll happen. So what's the point? This is a very poor way of expressing what I'm trying to say, so I'll stop while I'm (somewhat) ahead.

I'm also considering looking for part-time work again. I would have to get a job where I could work on K's days off and days K2 (aka my non-bio little sister) would watch the girls. And find a bottle L will take. She didn't do too bad taking some from K2 on our trip, but has refused any K has tried to give her. I'm thinking a little extra money and a few hours a week away from the house would be good for me. In the past I've wanted jobs close to home. Now I'm liking the idea of a reasonable but decent commute. Just for some time alone with my.thoughts. Or the radio. Without interruption.

Again, I feel like I'm left with decisions to make, but no clue where to start.

Summer is here.

2010-07-08T00:26:00.000-05:00

Summer has meant heat, humidity, mosquito bites, trips to the zoo, walks, and The Park. We are boycotting the park by our house. Why, you ask? Well one week Reese fell off the ladder going up the slide and broke her leg. Of course this had happened when we walked there, and Reese hadn't rode in a stroller, trike, or wagon. We got home by her riding on my back in the Ergo. Thank God for babywearing!

The next week my husband sprained his wrist in the same park after a fall from his bike. Yes, this park is not a favorite place of ours. Reese just got her cast off two weeks ago, and the park will be avoided for another month or two until its completely healed.

Another big event happened two weeks ago. I had surgery to correct the nerve problems in my wrist. The decision to have this surgery is one that has been stewed over for months. But the pain was quickly and progressively getting worse. Obviously within 2 weeks its hard to tell how well it worked. But, besides incision pain, it seems to be a tiny sliver of what it once was. I'm praying it continues to heal well and that I wind up with a complete reversal of symptoms.

Now the summer is just about family. We spend time outside with the dogs and chickens (NOT at the same time!). We go to the zoo. We watch movies. It's very relaxing. Which is good. Anna-Lee turned 5 this summer and has decided to attend kindergarten. I want to enjoy every last minute with her before I lose her for the better part of the day. So bittersweet.

Our Journey in Urban Homesteading begins...

2010-06-12T04:12:00.000-05:00

I have often said I am a walking contradiction. This is true in many aspects of life, including where I want to live. I'm a farm girl trapped in a city girl's life. I want to live in the country...but I also want to be close to everything. A bustling metropolis isn't for me, but a smaller one is. I dream of having a small hobby farm one day, though. Living sustainably off of my own land.

In that mindset, I've teamed up with my reluctant but accomodating husband to create an urban homestead. The first project? Chickens! I've loved chickens since I was a kid and my great uncle let me play with baby chicks on his farm. And who can resist a fluffy chickie?

Turns out that urban chickens are gaining popularity. I was surprised to find entire web communities dedicated to backyard chickens. Last year many of the moms in our local babywearing group began discussing keeping chickens. I was interested, but looked on with envy, still dreaming.

Fast forward a year. After lots of convincing, begging, and pleading (yep, I'm an only child! lol) we decided to get chickens. Kelton and I agreed on 2. No fancy ones; he wanted normal chickens. I took my very excited 4 year old, and headed to the farm store. We got 2 Rhode Island Reds at our local farm store. Fluffy little chicks that took up residence in a cardboard box in our living room. One is still there. Sadly, Nugget was a rooster, and he's now living with my family in Oklahoma.

Twinkle is about 7 weeks old and almost completely covered in beautiful auburn feathers. She loves to sit with us, and go out in the yard after the dogs are in to scratch and search for bugs, leaves, and any other goodies she can find.

Now, one chicken doesn't do well on its own. Kelton tried telling me the rabbit and chicken could he great companions. But I wanted chickens for pets...and eggs. First eggs, but all animals are pets for me. I have too big a soft spot for critters. So I was on the search for more chicks. I was going to order 3 from online, but couldn't get the breeds I wanted within the next 2 weeks. And I am impatient. I decided to look for older pullets who were already laying or close to it.

I found 3 white leghorn hens on Craigslist about an hour from us. Already laying an egg a day each. At $10 a hen, it was the same price as ordering chicks...but no waiting for eggs. I drove down to get them yesterday. Ugly birds, but we got our first egg when we got home...waiting for us in the cardboard box.

Kelton is still working on the amazing coop he's building, so the hens are living in a doghouse in the shed right now. They are pretty skittish. And dirty! They were kept in a pretty old coop, and given the ridiculously long length of their nails, they weren't let out to scratch. I gave two of the three baths tonight.

They seemed to like their baths. First you dunk the hen in a container with water and castile soap and borax. Then a second bath in water (not knowing if they had any mites or fleas, I followed recommendations and added a splash of bleach...next time I'll use tto, but I'm out right now). Finally, a rinse bath in a water/vinegar mix. I was expecting a mess, but the skittish birds seemed calmed by the bath. They weren't "madder than an old, wet hen" at all! After the bath they got taken inside and blow dried. Their feathers were very matted, and this fluffed them up nicely. Those nails got trimmed, as did their wings. They are kind of pretty now! And the two bathed hens seem much calmer and accepting of people then the one that's still needing bathed. I hope they become friendly and fun birds. And call, so we can let them free range when we're outside. They seems quiet, which is great since we're outlaw chicken keepers!

I think our 4 chickens will be a great jumping off point to teach our girls about sustainable living and responsibility. Anna-Lee already has her pink egg basket to collect eggs in. Along with hang drying our clothes, and our six tomato plants we need to transplant into the ground, our little mini farm is coming along great! I can't wait to make a tomato omlet knowing exactly where it came from- our own backyard!

Goals

2010-05-16T01:46:00.000-05:00

I love making goals for myself. It gives me something to look forward to, and something to keep me driven. I love making lists with my goals. So that's what this post is about.

Short-term goals (within 3 months):
-Lose 20 pounds
-Become debt free, except mortgage and student loans
-Make morning devotionals with the girls (and hopefully DH) a habit
-Give up the evil soda in exchange for 1 morning coffee and then water and teas
-Add more local food to our diets (hopefully including eggs from the two chicks currently residing in my living room!)
-Make a workable budget
-Learn to knit
-Find a schedule/routine that works for the girls and I during the day

Six month goals:
-Learn to ride a bike
-Get a new kitchen table
-Take a nice family vacation (God willing, in the camper we're looking at!)
-Spend more time with my mom
-Find a home church we all like, and attend regularly

One year goals:
-Read the entire bible
-Have my wrist issues taken care of, by surgery or other means
-Make a concrete plan for massage school
-Run a 5k race
-Start saving for and purchase a zigo leader bicycle (since Lucy will be big enough to ride at this point)

The birth of Lucy Navene

2010-05-08T23:25:00.000-05:00

Prodromal labor set in at the end of February, at 36 weeks pregnant. I'd have hours of hard contractions that would pitter out to nothing. I wasn't too concerned. My other pregnancies lasted 36 and 37 weeks. Nobody expected me to go past 38 weeks.

38 weeks came and went. And as irrational as it sounds, it was at this point where I started to feel like I'm guessing other women do when they go past 40 weeks. I know that worries about personal topics and childcare for the big girls wasn't helping my body relax and focus on birthing.

39 weeks passed. I tried acupuncture. Nothing but the continued prodromal labor. I was becoming severely sleep deprived. Contractions started after the big girls were in bed, and did let me sleep until just a couple hours before they woke up. I was cranky. The Clary Sage oil I was using helps balance emotions, but mine were strongly leaning to the "raging psycho" side.

We come to 39 weeks 5 days. I freak out yelling at the girls for being too loud, then break into hysterical sobbing for having done so. I scared Kelton. I was exhausted, physically and mentally. I'd stopped answering the phone days before, and pretty much limited all communication to Facebook. Because its easy to ignore.

I went back to the chiropractor and he did acupuncture again. This time with 12 points instead of 6. When I got home, I took a nap. Woke up for a bath. I wasn't angry, but was still very weepy. I told Kelton if the baby wasn't here by Friday I was getting induced or committed one. And I didn't care which.

I took some tylenol pm and the big girls and I headed to bed at 9:30. I woke at midnight and got up to eat. I decided to vacuum while I was up. Since the contractions I'd had when I woke up stopped, I went to bed at 3 fully convinced that I would be pregnant forever. I prayed and journaled my worries to get them out.

At 7:48 am I woke up with a strong, painful contraction. The big girls were asleep, so I got up and took a bath. The contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, and the bath didn't relax them. They were getting progressively stronger, but I was able to breathe through them easily.

At just before 8:30, Kelton got home from work. I told him I thought this was it and he called the midwife. I had him get the birth ball and rocked on it. Contractions were getting stronger and I began to vocalize through them.

The midwife checked my dialation when she arrived. Even though I know it means nothing as far as labor goes, I wanted to know where I was. 4cm. This made me happy because getting to 4cm seems to be the hardest part for me.

I had some more contractions while the midwife set things up in the bathroom by the tub. Reese had woken up, so Kelton was tending to her. The midwife's assistant arrived and got me some gatorade. After this, her and Kelton traded off tending to the girls in Anna-Lee's room.

I had to pee, and had 2 contractions while doing so. My vocalizations were different, and I could feel my cervix dialating during contractions. When I was done, the midwife asked to check me again. 5cm. I thought at least 45 minutes had passed, so I was disappointed. The midwife had her assistant get the tub ready with more hot water.

I got in the tub. I started to get contractions on top of one another. The midwife was reassuring me, putting wet washcloths on my neck and forehead. Kelton was also by the tub, and I know during one contraction I had him do really strong counter pressure. After the 3 hours of strong back labor with Reese, he knew to do it much harder than most people would think a girl my size could handle. I felt her turn anterior. And then I felt pushy. I asked to be checked, because I pushed when I wasn't ready to push with Reese, and it made recovery harder. I was 7cm! A lot of progress in very little time. Maybe 10 minutes.

Shortly after, I started screaming that I couldn't do it. And even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I felt relief. This was my standard transition moment. With Anna-Lee, I asked for an epidural. With Reese I said screw an unassisted homebirth, call the ambulance. This time I just said I was done.

Contractions slowed. They were less intense, and I groaned during them, pushing. In between the midwife put cool water on the back of my neck and Kelton gave me sips of gatorade. I talked to Lucy, telling her we could do this, that she was doing a good job, etc. As I pushed, I visualized her coming down the birth canal.

After 2 or 3 pushes, I felt the "Ring of Fire." And almost started laughing, as the Johnny Cash song began playing in my mind. I could feel her head with my hand. I kept waiting to feel the POP! of my water breaking. It was something I distinctly remembered from Reese's birth; that sound. I didn't hear it. Her head was out after that contraction. I could hear the midwife's assistant telling the girls the baby was almost here, and heard them in the hall giggling. It was a rejuvenating sound.

Another contraction came. I reach down while pushing and caught her as she slid into my hands. I tried to pull her up to me, but had difficulty. The midwife pointed to the cord around her neck. We both reach down and unlooped it. It was also under her arm and between her legs!

She was here! I couldn't believe it. After almost 40 weeks, I had my baby. The pregnancy was difficult. Whiplash, morning sickness, chronic sinus infections, 2 cases of the flu, a stomach virus,spd, and prodromal labor. I'd enjoyed the other pregnancies. I'd survived this one.

Lucy latched on pretty quickly, and her placenta came out quickly without effort. We got out of the tub and the midwife checked me. A small tear, nothing requiring repairs. Lucy was checked out and was, of course, perfectly fine. We settled in on the couch for rest and snuggles. Kelton got me a protein bar and beef jerky. That, along with a shot of floradix made me feel better.

She was born at 9:58 am on March 23. 6 pounds 13 ounces and 18.5 inches.

Long time, no post.

2009-12-28T00:50:00.000-06:00

I'm up right now, alone. Everyone else has given up their insomniatic ways. For a while, I joined them. But, being 27 weeks pregnant has its way of making that insomnia creep back up on you!

I'm listening to eggs tap-tap-tapping as they boil in the pan. I'm suddenly craving sweets, so am trying to up my protein intake. Needing protein makes sense to me, since my morning sickness returned about 2 weeks ago. Meat is pretty unappealing, so are a lot of eggs (egg salad sounds good, though), and one can only eat so many PB&Js before those become nauseating, too!

This pregnancy has brought a LOT of depression with it. I am assuming it has a lot to do with everything that has happened in the six (AH!) months since I've updated. There are a laundry list of bad things that have happened. But to list them would undermine the GOOD things that happened as well. Getting to see good friends. Playing in autumn leaves. Feeling baby kicks. Seeing my oldest's face light up when she feels the baby kick. A two year old hugging and kissing my belly and singing to her little sister (yes, we're getting blessed with another girl!). That same two year old, when NOT feeling baby kick, pushing on my belly yelling "WAKEY! WAKEY!" Embraces from those I love.

I've had to come to terms with giving up on massage school. At least for now, it's the right thing to do. I have lost my desire to fight. Maybe, after my wrist gets fixed (via surgery or other means), I will feel that pull on my heart again. Lord knows massage is still a big part of me. But I feel God bringing me to nursing school. I'm going to go talk to a local LPN program about enrolling. This is scary. Nursing has help appeal with me, but its always been scary, something I am not passionate about. To a certain extent, I'm still not. But I feel that that this is where God wants me. Out of my comfort zone. So I'm jumping off this cliff with my eyes closed and my heart full of prayers and faith and praying it goes well!

I am giving my two weeks notice at my part-time job tomorrow. I am in my third trimester and am finding myself needed to nest and be close to my family as much as possible. So I am looking forward to 2.5-3 months of crocheting, washing diapers, renovating the bathroom to put in our deeper bathtub before the birth, painting and decorating the house. All the wonderfully typical nesting things.

I am prayerfully trying to learn to become more present in my surroundings. I am always worrying over something, or dreaming of the future rather than learning to be happy in the present and in the moment I am in. I blame where I live for my unhappiness, and have my entire life. I've spent 20 years making plans to get out of this place. But...here I am. And God has a reason for me still being here. My job is to learn that reason and learn to be happy in Him no matter where I am physically.

It's why a lot of my nesting involves fixing the house up. I've been reluctant to do so because of my desire to get out of here. But having a home I feel cozy in makes me happy. So I am putting up pictures, decorating, and making this house a HOME. This excites me.

There is a turning point in our family. I feel it coming up. And I am not scared about it. I feel God's hand in it all. This excites me. It energizes me, and makes me feel like I can handle ANYTHING. I am interested to see what the future holds.

2009-06-23T03:26:00.000-05:00

Life, like always, is rapid, fast-paced, and hectic. And I am learning to love each minute of it for what it is, not what I would like it to be.

Friday my parents' 31 year marriage officially came to an end. It had been over since December of last year, on their 31 year anniversary to be exact. I am grateful that the process is behind our family, and hopeful that I can start rebuilding my relationship with my parents as individuals instead of as a part of our family unit. Especially my dad. My mother and I have always been extremely close. My dad worked nights and wasn't around when he was home, so in many ways my life was similar to that of a child raised by a single mother.

My dad and I have had a strained relationship for most of my life. We never spent quality time together when I was growing up, and it was like living in the house with a stranger most of the time. I have, however, always respected the fact that he worked so hard to provide a good home life for our family. And when my mom's parents were dying, my dad was right there at their bedsides helping to care for them. I will always, always have tremendous respect for him for that. To use a popular term, he really "manned up" at that time. Then there are things about him that I cannot respect. But, there is always love there. And I feel that as sad as divorce is, it will give him and I a chance to start our father/daughter relationship over. I hope it will.

Last week I also was seen for my wrist. The pain was getting worse, and especially the numbness in my last two fingers. There are times where the pain is absolutely unbearable. Times that makes this natural-birthing mama want a wrist epidural if such a thing were to exist! My orthopedic doctor has me wearing a cast-like splint to bed for a couple of weeks to see if it helps release a nerve. If that doesn't work we'll look at other treatment options, up to and possibly including surgery.

Of course, with this going on, I haven't been able to do massages. And I was scheduled to start a hands-on massage class July 6th. One that included learning a 90 minute massage. If trying to give my husband a simple Swedish back massage can reduce me to tears, a 90 minute full body massage will definitely leave me doubled over in pain. So, with lots of prayers, lots of trepidation, and a giant leap of faith I made the painful decision to leave massage school. Whether this is a permanent thing or not is something that is only known by the Savior, and will be revealed to me when the time is right.

Now that I am not in massage school, I needed to figure out what I was going to do. I got my job back at the portrait studio. The studio location that I was originally at and that I adore working at. I am planning on beginning classes for a nursing program in the fall. I'd always intended on becoming a midwife sometime after massage school, so that just got moved up.

Things are changing, and I'm not usually good with changes. There has been a lot of prayer and a lot of faith going on to get me here. Now it's just waiting to see what these changes mean in the long term.

A hodge-podge of topics

2009-05-31T01:58:00.000-05:00

Things are finally getting back to normal following the miscarriage. I say finally, because it hasn't just been grieving and coping that's been going on. At the same time I was miscarrying, I had a major sinus infection that landed me in the ER needing IV fluids for dehydration.

Then a week or so later we all wound up sick. Well, the girls and I at least. We had sore throats and coughs. My husband wound up unscathed until that weekend, when the girls and I were feeling better. Suddenly he was sick. Just very achy. He wound up coming home from work almost immediately, unable to do his job from being sore and coughing. He's been under the weather this entire past week, but Friday wound up feeling much better. Then Saturday came. He'd slept all day (works overnight). Then when I woke him to get ready for work he was coughing severely, very sore, and his fever was back after a 3-4 day period without one. Just looking at him you could tell he was 'off' so we called my mom to come sit with the girls and headed to the ER. Which is where I was wishing I'd woken him up a bit earlier, as we got poor treatment from the triage nurse since it wasn't technically an emergency that brought us in, combined with the fact that DH currently has no primary doctor. He woke up after the urgent care places had closed or we would have been there! Thankfully even though it was the weekend they weren't busy and the doctor and nurse in the actual treatment room were very nice. He has sever bronchitis and the antibiotics and inhaler are working well. He woke up this morning and was like a new person. Still not 100%, but on the way to getting there.

I'm back in school. This term, which is six weeks for our program, is very hectic. Normally as a full-time student I would have two classes. One on Mondays and Wednesdays, and one on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This term to make up my exercise training (which I left due to the miscarriage), I am taking two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays in addition to my Monday/Wednesday class. It is very stressful, as I'm gone pretty much all day on those days. I have to leave home by 1, which will be by noon during the upcoming College World Series, and then have exercise class from 1:30pm-5pm. I leave the gym at 5 and find something to eat. I've been just grabbing whatever I can. Which is not a good option and usually leaves me feeling bad because whatever I can grab is generally junk food! Then I'm in class again from 6pm-9:30pm. I get home at 10pm, just in time to get the girls ready for bed, if they aren't already asleep. I hate missing out on so much of their week, but there are only four more weeks of this, which means 8 days. I am trying to handle it as best as I can.

The most exciting part of the hectic schedule is that my exercise training class has turned me into a (wannabe) runner. I love the feeling I get at the gym, and love going there. But I know that I can't afford a gym membership or the gas to drive to the gyms I can afford! So I needed to find a workout that I can do at home and is cheap with little equipment since our tiny house is full. Running came to mind immediately. I do have a treadmill that I inherited from my grandpa in our garage. It is in great condition and works well, despite being a bit older. So when the weather isn't great I can use it. Otherwise I've taken to running around our small town. It is nice not having to worry about running after dark. Which is when I prefer to run becaue I'm not a fan of summer heat! I'm working on building my endurance, only being able to run short distances right now. But I run as far as I can then walk, then run again when I can. Sometimes I take the kids, sometimes I leave them home if there is someone here. My plan is to switch to running in the early morning with our lab after my husband gets home from work. I get exercise, the dog gets her exercise which will hopefully keep her calm the rest of the day, and everyone is happy. It's a great feeling to know your body is getting stronger and to feel that happening!

The more I run, the more amazed I am at the body God has given us. And the more ashamed I am for having gone so long not even caring the slightest bit about taking care of this body. I've only got the one, after all! With that in mind I'm definitely making a bigger effort to live out the practices I know I need to. Limiting refined foods, eating more at home. Eating more local foods, fresh foods especially. Working out. Not to look good, not to push myself (even though they are HUGE motivators for me!), but simply to live. When I exercise, when I eat right I feel a difference in my body. And a good difference!

Praise you in this storm...

2009-05-09T20:41:00.000-05:00

Baby number 3 was not meant to be. At least not at this time. I found out last Monday that I was having another miscarriage. While I wish I could change the outcome, I have accepted what is happening. I am coming to this loss with much greater faith in God than I have past losses. Miscarriage is a part of my life. It is not a happy part, nor is it a celebrated part. But, it is there and I accept it. My husband and I have both decided that our family is up to God. And, while I plan on making changes to help improve my fertility, we know that by leaving this in His hands we open ourselves up not only to more children if He so desires, but to more losses as well. We learn from each of those losses. Learn to appreciate our children even when they are driving up crazy. We learn to see our family as the blessing that it is. And we learn a lot about ourselves as parents. It opens us up to really examine ourselves and see where we need to change.

Sweet Surprise!

2009-04-21T23:33:00.000-05:00

Last week my husband and I found out we are expecting baby #3!!! This came as a bit of a shock, but a very welcome, very happy one. We're happy and confident- I have experienced none of the same hormone issues as I did when we had our miscarriages. I've also gotten a hefty dose of morning sickness, which while unpleasant, leads me to believe this baby is around for the long haul. Good thing we went for the minivan over a sedan when we bought a vehicle two months ago! :)

We're excited to have a birth in our new home. And I find that this time I'm much more relaxed, even though I'm not very far along. We have very little to buy; maybe a new double stroller, a few diapers (we have most of what we need, just adding in some new brands we've discovered), and preferrably a new bathtub before the birth! I'd like one like in my mom's house- it was perfect for birthing in. We have slings, we have a carseat, we have a trundle bed for our oldest so she can still be in our room but the baby and the youngest can be in bed with us.

Thankfully, I'm in my exercise training class. I'm looking forward to seeing the positive effects of staying fit and active during pregnancy. I've been pretty sedentary in the past two pregnancies due to hyperemesis with the first and pubic symphsis disorder in the second. Staying consistent with chiropractor visits and my cravings for veggies should be enough to make labor and all even easier this time around!

I'm currently at 5 weeks, and am due in December.

My personal challenge!

2009-04-12T02:06:00.000-05:00

I decided to weigh myself on Thursday before my exercise training class. Big mistake! Or great idea since it's motivating. I weigh the same as I did when I graduate high school/got married. Its my heaviest weight ever. Back then, I had a reasonable excuse. I was working my butt off to graduate while running my mom's home daycare and coping with the fatal illnesses and subsequent deaths of both my grandparents. Yep, I can forgive myself for not thinking about what I was eating at the time. Heck, it was such a stressful time that I still have very few memories of an entire six month period! Including my own wedding!!!

But now? Now there's no excuse. I was 20 pounds lighter than this when I got pregnant with my youngest. And I had gotten down to just five pounds over that after she was born. So, I've gained 15 pounds! NOT good. I'm giving myself a reasonable goal. I would prefer to lose it all by my oldest's birthday at the end of June, but will be happy enough if I lose it by my birthday in mid-July.

To help aid me in this goal, I am personally challenging myself to complete 30 workouts in 30 days. I've decided that any activity that gets my heartrate up and helps me break a sweat for at least 30 minutes counts. This includes workout DVDs, walks with the girls, my gym time for school, even doing basics like jumping jacks, crunches, lunges, etc. But for my own personal sanity of keeping track, it has to be 30 consecutive minutes. This is a biggie for me. If I tried to keep track of 3 ten minute bursts of activity, I'd wind up cheating without meaning to.

Along with 30 workouts, I'm also challenging myself to have 30 green smoothies in 30 days. I've been a longtime reader of Sara's blog, and have heard her preach the green smoothie gospel. And I've tried to get on board, making green smoothies in the past. I love the taste, and feel better when I'm drinking them. I finally have a good blender, too. That definitely helps! My little ones loving them helps too!

Of course, most people get fit for themselves. And that's a big factor for me. I want to feel better, to look better. But, my biggest motivator is to set a good example for my kids. I want them to have a mom who they see enjoying being active and enjoying eating healthy foods. I hate that right now I'm giving them healthy food while I nosh away on...let's face it, CRAP! That is not who I want to be. I'm a young mom, it's time I start feeling like one!!!

God is in the...cardio!?!?!

2009-04-10T01:04:00.000-05:00

I am currently enrolled in an Exercise Training course through my school. This is a required course, and involves around 2-2.5 hours in a local gym twice a week. The breakdown winds up being 30 minutes cardio, around and hour and a half weight training (working in pairs, so it takes longer), and 30 minutes hydro work (hot tub/pool exercise/steam room). I barely made it out of the first class, our pre-fitness test, alive. However, I wasn't quite as sore afterwards as I had expected.

I finished the second class tonight. It was wonderful! I love exercising, but have always lacked the motivation to get started. So, being "forced" to do it is really great for me. Its also some time where I really get to just dive inside of myself. As a busy mom, I so rarely get that opportunity.

Tonight I was on the elliptical machine (oh, how I love those things!), and was planning on listening to my mp3 player. The battery died after one song. I saw Michael J. Fox on CNN so instantly tried to plug in to hear his interview (my dad has Parkinson's, so I am always interested when MJF is on TV speaking about new research, etc). My receiver on the machine was very static-y and giving me a headache as I tried to listen. So, I found myself doing something I so rarely do.

I unplugged. I had no cell phone, no internet, no TV. Nothing around me for 30 glorious minutes. I just listened to myself. And I found myself reflecting on the Holy Week. The gift of salvation. The pain Christ endured to pay for MY sins. For all of our sins. I prayed a little. But mostly? Mostly I just worked out in peaceful silence, basking in His peaceful presence.

I realize that this is always there for me. He is always there for me. But I've decided that rather than always listening to my exercise playlist (I am going to be working out 7 days/week), I am downloading some bible passages and lessons to listen to. Its one of the rare peaceful moments I get, and I'm going to enjoy getting closer to the Father during that time.

2009-04-07T01:57:00.000-05:00

I began classes back at school today. Man did it feel good to get back there! I am in Pathology on Mondays and Wednesday, with one of my favorite teachers. My Tues/Thurs class is the one that scares me. Exercise training. Yikes! I've been doing a couple of workout videos here at home, and endurance is not my strong suit. So I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well. I need to call the doctor's office and get an inhaler before I go to class.

I am going to have to work harder to eat at home with my schedule so full. I have class Mon-Thurs from 6pm-10pm. Tuesdays from 2-11pm I also have my friend's little boy. Wed, Thurs, and Fri my husband is home during the day, which means we are usually working on something around the house or just hanging out as a family. Fridays I have my friend's son from 2-7:30pm and on Saturday from 7:30am-3:30pm.

I am not worrying about it as much this week, since I am finishing up my last week at the portrait studio as well. So things are extra crazy. I am looking up slow cooker recipes. Both for breakfast and supper. That way Kelton can have breakfast when he gets home, even if we aren't up yet. That is, if he'll eat what I make! He's the pickiest eater of us all. I have steel cut oats and know I've seen some recipes to make them in the slow cooker. Roasts are a huge family favorite as well.

I am getting impatient that I haven't gotten a reply from the city about keeping chickens. I'm almost to the point of taking their lack of interest as permission! I mean, they apparently don't care enough to fire off a quick "No! Don't do it" email. I plan on checking to see if the library has a copy of city code on file, and maybe giving one more call to city hall. Otherwise, I think once the weather is warmer and we've found a doghouse, we'll be in the backyard building a coop!

Speaking of weather- I am so ready for it to warm up! I love autumn, but not winter weather. And certainly not in April!!! Spring, where are you? Please hurry up and arrive; there are lots of us here in the Omaha area who are looking forward to getting out in the great outdoors and ejoying nature. And not risking hypothermia to do so. kthnxbai!

2009-04-01T01:43:00.000-05:00

Lately, I feel like I've been completely torn between the world I live in and the world I desire to live in. A world that is simple, a world from long ago. I am sitting here, watching a DVD on my laptop, writing in this blog while an oil lamp (homemade with a wick, mason jar, and oil) lights the living room. What an odd picture!

I have a pretty normal suburban life. House, dogs, kids, etc. We have the flat screen TV and the PS3, computers, mp3 players, the works. But while I enjoy the luxuries I have, I strive for simpler times. I enjoy things like baking my own bread, hanging laundry on the line (not doing dishes; I am looking forward to the dishwasher getting installed!). I look forward to expanding this into learning to sew so I can make things we need around the house. Growing our own food, raising chickens, and reducing our dependence on commercial products are all things I strive to do. I have given up commercial body soaps and shampoos/conditioners. I am planting a garden, though it's survival is still questionable as my thumb has proven to be more black than green in the past!

I've started reading my bible again. Oh, does it feel great to get back into the Word of God! It's amazing how when I am right with God, the rest of life seems to fall into place a little better. I feel a little lighter. My burdens aren't necessarily gone, but I am comforted knowing they are not mine alone and that I have a Savior watching over me. And I feel that He is a part of the changes I desire. That He is calling our family to living with a goal of simplicity and sustainability.

And while I would ultimately love the idea of an off-grid life. I know that's not necessarily what my husband wants. So while spending time with the Lord, and I relearning all the things the pastor discussed with us before we were married. That marriage includes the marrying of dreams and plans. And that, while my dreams are relevant, ultimately it is Kelton's decision the direction our family heads. While this doesn't play well to my incredibly large stubborn streak, it has been a relief. I tend to feel that ALL of the responsibility in the world is mine, and bear full weight of any burdens. Knowing that God Himself has said that no, it isn't that way, gives me permission to relax and defer to the head of the household.

That was something I struggled with when we were getting married. The idea of submission. I looked at it as caving in. Constantly fufilling the whims and desires of the husband while mine were on a backburner. How wrong I was! In reality, we have a very equal marriage. At least in my opinion. We work together to make all the decisions in the house. It just happens to be that if there is an area we cannot come to a compromise on (and I can only think of one in the almost six years of marriage), that the ultimate decision rests with Kelton. As much as I submit to him, he respects me and looks to me to help make the decisions that affect our family. Most of the parenting decisions have been solely mine; or at least doing the research that has gone into those decisions. The daily running of the household is my responsibility as well. But I know if I need his help, he is there to provide assistance and guidance.

Not really sure where I'm going with this, just wanted to share some recent discoveries.

A completely health/wellness focused post...

2009-03-28T02:39:00.000-05:00

I got Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease workout DVD from NetFlix and finally started to use it. OMG is it hard to do!!! I got through the warm-up (intro warm-up, and the warm-up routine without instruction) and ALMOST through the entire first routine. And I am breathless. I suck at most of the moves, but I'm working on it. Most of the moves were things we did in the African tribal dancing thing at the success strategies seminar at school. It's a lot less embarrassing when you're not surrounded by 30 strangers. And, no, this doesn't mean I'm going to reconsider careers and become a stripper! I just needed a fun dance video to keep me motivated, and one that uses lots of stretching and hip movements is actually good for keeping my legs and core strong for massage.

I don't have a goal weight in mind. At all. I'd love to fit into my size 4 Old Navy jeans again (where I was at when I got pregnant with Reese), and be more toned overall. Mainly because I'm running out of jeans that fit that aren't getting holes in them! LOL But, honestly, I don't care if my weight/clothing size ever moves as long as I am healthier. I'm working on eating healthier, choosing lean proteins (must remember that Bakers sells buffalo meat!), and eating more veggies. I bought a TON of produce last night. Lots of grapes and strawberries, and oranges, and apples. Of course the girls have pretty much plowed through all but two of a 3lb $4 bag of organic apples in less than 24 hours (that's another story). And my cheese habit is coming to an end.

Since I stopped eating so much cheese (I have it on the occasional pizza or burritos, but try to limit it), and began cooking less and less with cow's milk, I feel so much better! I'm not as congested (big bonus when healing a nose ring, btw), and I feel like I'm slowly coming out of my "fog". I'm trying to learn about alternative milks. Goat's milk seems like a good alternative for the girls...but I can't bring myself to try it. I've used Rice milk in cooking and liked the results. I'm also VERY SLOWLY switching my Dr. Pepper for Diet Cherry 7-Up. Which still has red #40 and aspartame, which is horrible. But its a baby step (no caffeine, HFCS, or mondo-calories). After I am used to that I can switch to a sparkling juice, and then to just water. I drink mostly water anyway, this is just a treat.

So yeah. I'm not counting calories, I'm not obessing over anything. I'm a pretty uptight person, but my weight/body is one area where I just really don't stress. It seems so...pointless. I have bad days where I notice dimples on my thighs, or the extra pudge on my belly and it brings me down. But over all, I'm appreciative of my body. Too much so to belittle it. It's carried, birthed, and nourished the two loves of my life. It's put up with my crap all these years (senior year dinners consisted of pan-fried steak and 3-6 smirnoffs...every single night), and it still takes care of me. I can't complain. Any problems I have with it are my own. And getting mad or upset or defeated about the situation won't help a bit. In fact, they're discouraging and they'll only make it worse.

So I'll eat right (for the most part, of course). I'll exercise. And if I look the way I want to, great! If I stay looking this way, that's fine, too. Because at least I'm making myself healthier. And the goal is, and always should be, feeling and being healthier. Health isn't a number on a scale, or a clothing size. It's feeling better, having a stronger muscular and skeletal system, a stronger immune system, and stronger mental well being. It's being aligned, physically and spiritually. And that; that is what I strive for.

Sleep is a big part of this. And sleeping. Wonderful, amazing sleeping! I took three of the Ambien they gave me. That's all. And then I started sleeping longer stretches on my own. Still not going to bed until way too late. And that still happens sometimes. It's 2:30 right now and I am tired. As soon as I'm done writing I'm throwing diapers in the dryer and heading to bed. I'm getting tired on my own. If my body needs to sleep, it's giving me signals that it needs to sleep. That didn't happen before. I'm still working on getting in bed earlier, and getting up earlier. Especially since starting on the 6th, school begins for me each day at 9. (Of course I get home just in time for naptime, too!) So I may take some more Ambien over the next couple of weeks to get myself going to bed earlier.

But, I'm incredibly satisfied now with the sleep I'm getting. I didn't realize just what a difference it would make. I honestly feel like I'm leading a completely different life than I did a month to six weeks ago. Night and day. Life is just easier. I'm even contemplating taking on things like leading a local Friends of Iowa Midwives chapter- something I would LOVE to do, but could have never even thought of before!

Sleep, wonderful sleep!

2009-02-26T23:41:00.000-06:00

It's been a week since I went to the doctor and got my prescription for Ambien. She gave me 4 sample pills and the script for 30 more. I have taken three of them, and nyquil one night since two days later I came down with a bad cough. But, I've been sleeping. Sleeping well, in fact.

My skin is looking better, my mental clarity is returning, and overall I'm functioning better. Well, except for having the cough. But even being sick, I can tell my body is handling it better than usual. I got my nose pierced on Feb. 13th, and normally my body gets very angry when I get cartilage piercings. This one is healing great with none of the issues I had when I'd previously had it pierced (at a different high stress, little sleep time in my life).

I find even on the nights I don't take the medicine (I'm not the greatest at remembering pills), I fall asleep easier. I don't dread going to sleep anymore, and because I'm well rested I'm not as axious during the day, which makes it harder to sleep.

I started back to work at the portrait studio last Sunday. A different studio, but same company. I've been told I have to get my average sales up (I avereaged $67/sale over 3 sales; they expect $100/sale average), but that I am doing well. It didn't help that one of those sales involved an uncooperative 2 year old that punched me in the arm! I have the bruise to prove it- he was strong! Hopefully tomorrow night and this Sunday will go better for me. It's nice being back in the studio, though. I missed working with a 'real' camera. My Sony Cybershot just does not cut it after I've worked on a quality DSLR.

The only thing about work that I dislike, is, well, working. That sounds awful, doesn't it? I love my job, I find it very fufilling. But I already watch a friend's son during the week. And even though I'm working at most 8 hours a week, it just feels like yet another obligation. The babywearing group is having a mom's night in next Friday and I thought I had the night off, but just got told I may have to work it, and won't know until that morning. So I can't make definitive plans one way or the other. But, this is only temporary. Once my old co-worker gets full-time hours and I start watching her son, I'm leaving Sear's and will be at home with the girls (and my friends son's) full-time!

We're putting the girls back into the larger of the two non-master bedrooms. We had moved their beds to the smaller room so the larger could be a toyroom. But we're cutting out so many toys that it doesn't make sense anymore. So the smaller room will be my sewing and massage room and the bigger room will be a combined toy/bedroom. I'm getting a bookshelf for the toys. We have containers for different kinds of toys, and if they have more than will fit in the container, they have to downsize. But my oldest has discovered that if you downsize your beanie babies Mama will do fun things like make beanbag balls for you. She just won't tell you where the stuffing for the balls came from. ;)

The sick house...

2009-02-22T19:26:00.000-06:00

that's where it feels like I'm living. We've all got various coughs, colds, sniffles, etc. And the baby has a raging, open, blister-y diaper rash from the combo of teething (bottom molars) and being sick. I'm trying to get as much garlic and vitamin C into all of us, and unfortunately the baby will be going into disposable diapers for a spell to allow us to use some stronger rash creams. Our dryer is broken right now anyway, it's too cold to hang things outside, and we can't keep up with her if we try to let things hang dry inside.

My husband acts worse than the kids when he is sick and is the one least likely to take a proactive step to get better. It's frustrating.

I caved in this week and went to see a doctor. It's been well over six months, probably closer to a year or so since I've slept longer than 3 hours at a time. I've been mentally and physically rundown so long that I don't remember what it feels like to be rested. The doctor gave me some AmbienCR to help get myself back on a better schedule. Three days later and I feel like a different person. Well, I would if I weren't sick, that is! I'm remembering things I was supposed to do long ago and never did. I feel horrible about some of them, too, and am spending this week righting those wrongs. Its like I'm coming out of a huge fog. And thankfully I am getting tired on my own now, so I am going to start weaning off of the Ambien. I'm hoping this allows me to be the woman I've been trying (and failing) to be.

In an effort to cut out as much refined sugar as possible, I picked up some Agave nectar from a local grocery store. I've never used it, but hoping it tastes good. I'm also trying Rice Milk for the first time in my effort to cut out dairy (but cheese is so good!!!! It's my one downfall in the dairy section) and soy.

Grr to the Argh

2009-02-16T02:26:00.000-06:00

Sorry, had to throw a little Whedonism in there. It just fits.

I am so tense lately. Tense to the point where I feel like I'm going to lose it. Since about the age of 18 I've been a pretty high strung person. It used to be that I fed on the nervous energy; it helped me stay on my game, so to speak. Now, not so much. It seems when I get anxious or tense, I shut down. Emotionally and physically. I find myself snapping at people around me. I know what I need to do, but I find myself unable to muster up the energy it takes to do it. I'm very listless, and I'm unsure of how to fix it.

It's been this way for a long time. Around a year now. At first, I just thought it was post-partum depression. Now? I think it's something more. I have a period of feeling great. I have energy, I sleep well, I have it together. I had a lot of that this spring, and a bit over the summer. But then I feel depressed and hopeless, really. I've tried upping my intake of fish oil to no avail. Part of me is considering going to the doctor, but the thought detests me. All a doctor does is give you a pill. A pill that doesn't make you feel better, it makes you unable to feel. Yes, I'll sleep. And that's probably all I need, is sleep.

All this tension is making me really doubt myself as far as school is concerned. Massage has lots of health benefits. Reduced tension and anxiety, and relief from insomnia are just a few. I've been getting two massages a week for the past six weeks. And I've felt none of those benefits. If nothing else, my anxiety, tension, and insomnia have all gotten worse. Tenfold worse. How can I tell people they should be getting massages to ensure these benefits when I'm having a hard time believing them because of lack of personal experience? I can't even relax during a massage, let alone general relaxation. Its making me doubt myself and doubt my (future) profession. And the doubt is even worse. Because if I don't believe in the benefits of massage how can I be a massage therapist?

Nutrifying/Simplifying

2009-02-03T01:43:00.000-06:00

I've been eating so badly lately. Not even bad foods, though that's definitely part of it. But not enough foods. In fact, one good, hearty meal a day has been pretty amazing the past week or so. Which of course leads me to finding myself rundown, shaky, weak, and having a general "icky" feeling at the end of the day. So I'm on a mission to start eating better meals. And more of them!

This led DH and I to the grocery store tonight where he bought me a yummy steak for dinner. I haven't been getting enough protein, obviously, and the steaks I love were on special. So we splurged on steaks tonight. While there I wanted to pick up some hamburger buns for lentil sloppy joes and a loaf of bread. Which is odd, since I haven't bought bread in months. But I wanted a loaf anyway. I wound up not getting any bread or buns.

Why, you ask?

Because EVERY SINGLE LOAF I looked at in Hy-Vee's bread aisle had high fructose corn syrup! I used to not care about it at all. But especially since finding out it has mercury in it, I am trying to eliminate it from everything in our house. And it's the one "health kick" thing that I have DH's full support in. Although we're both hypocritical and drink Dr. Pepper with it in there. That's being replaced with brewed iced tea slowly but surely, though. We looked at a ton of different brands, and sure enough, half way through the ingredient list there it was. So I'm schlepping it over to the bread machine before I pour myself into bed and setting it up to have a loaf ready in the morning.

I am working hard on organizing and simplifying our home. My bathroom is now spotless. It's also the laundry room. A week ago the floor in there was covered in laundry from one end to the other! Our living room looks a lot better, too. We're selling things; just this week we've gotten rid of our old Playstation and a stroller. The organizing is harder than the getting rid of things. I think some things I've gotten rid of have been simply for lack of the willpower to organize!

Our toyroom and the girls' room are the last two I'm tackling. They SCARE me, lol. Toys just overwhelm me. If it were up to me, they'd have bare basics, and nice simple wooden toys. Budget and over zealous grandparents, however, prevent this. We have plenty of toys, and plenty of storage for said toys. But when it comes to what should be grouped with what, and where those things should go, I find myself clueless. I really need help with organization. The toyroom is the most obvious...but please if you come to visit stay out of the kitchen cabinets, too. ;)

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

2009-01-31T11:23:00.000-06:00

I got fired last week. Not necessarily fired, but I no longer have a job. There weren't enoug hours for all of the employees. A sign of the times, I guess.

You would think that would make things easier at home. I only have home, family, and school to worry about now. You would most definitely be wrong. Our house has had me so stressed that I've come to the brink of losing it more than once. The amount of clutter and mess was overwhelming. And I'm working myself to the bone to change that. I worked for 2.5 hours last night before having a guest over to get the house presentable. And, I thought it was still a little messy, but it was definitely presentable. Only to have my guest tell me how much I needed to clean my house. A hard blow to take. Which had me fighting tears and a panic attack the rest of the night. It also sparked a nice fight with my husband about the state of our home. None of which was helping it get any more clean. I stayed up until 4 AM cleaning our bedroom. And now I've been up since 7:30 AM cleaning again. My husband helped me a bit this morning when he got home from work before heading to bed. It's not going to get all done today, but we're definitely on our way to having it nice and clean.

I'm diligently getting rid of items. While I would love to take the time to freecycle everything, that's just not possible right now. I've bagged the clothes for the clothing recycling center, but unfortunately everything else is being trashed. I absolutely believe in protecting our planet and being a good steward of the Eart, but right now my sanity has to come before that. I can't keep things around even for just a couple of extra days! Seeing the number of things in our house steadily decreasing is thrilling! My ultimate goal is a warm minimalist home. A minimalist home with more photos and personal momentos.

My biggest dilemma is the TV. I hate it! We have a flatscreen on the wall. I rarely watch TV. I watch maybe 4 hours a week and at least 3 of those hour its just on for noise. I let my oldest watch maybe an hour a day on average. I try to keep it off as much as I can. So when its off there's just a huge black rectangle on the wall. I could buy one of the "fishtank" dvds, and I even think I have a fireplace one around here somewhere. LOL But that's such an energy waste! I've thought about sewing up a cover for the TV from a beautiful fabric. A sort of fitted sheet-like thing to turn our TV into a piece of fabric art when not in use. I've also considered putting a small piece of black velcro on the corners of the TV and having one of my favorite pictures blown up to the appropriate size and mounted on cardboard that can be velcroed over the TV. I like this on most of all, since there are a few prints I've seen that I wished I could hang in place of the TV. Getting rid of the TV isn't an option, as DH is going nuts as it is without cable.

I wish I could have someone come into the house and just help me with a fresh set of eyes figure out what to keep and what to get rid of. Help me organize and sort things. Help me get things in order. I don't have the money to hire anyone, though. And I almost feel like I've made this mess and it's my responsibility to fix it. But when it is so overwhelming you just feel like it easier to give in.

Sleeplessness and Home things

2009-01-24T01:10:00.000-06:00

Sleeplessness has taken over my life recently. I've always been a night owl. Even after becoming a mother. But it's fit with our family's way of life, so it hasn't been an issue. But this week twice now I've been so unable to sleep I've wound up staying awake for ~24-30 hours. I had to miss school yesterday because I didn't trust myself to drive home afterwards, which would have been during my 28th hour of being up. I try to go to sleep, but I cannot shut off all the thoughts in my head. Even during a massage, I cannot relax or stop these constant thoughts. Thoughts about everything. Thoughts about nothing. Tonight I took some melatonin and drank sleepytime extra tea. I've also switched my normal calcium supplement to one with magnesium in it. Apparently it can help as well.

In the meantime, I've used this time away to my advantage. I have made amazing headway in both the girls' bedroom and in the toyroom. Organzing, cleaning, etc. Our kitchen and living room are looking better, too. And I've got paint colors picked out. Our living room and hallway are both a light blue. We're keeping that, but the accent wall extending from the living room into the kitchen will be a light orange. The rest of the kitchen will be a lighter orange/peach shade. The bathroom is going to be a nice, bright aqua. The girls' room will be a green shade. Our room will be a cream color (boring, I know!), and the toyroom yellow. A nice, warm, colorful house. Adding in shelves with pictures, and continuing to find a place for everything is making our house finally start to feel like home.

I especially noticed that while putting the toyroom together today. I am finding spots for all of the toys. And as I find those spots its starting to feel like an environment that's more conducive to playing and learning. I grew up in an organized house, but never got taught how it got that way. And as I'm learning these things, I realize how much of it is just common sense! But that's okay, I'm learning them and that's what counts!!!

Lessons from my toddler.

2009-01-17T03:30:00.000-06:00

My husband had the girls in their room playing earlier tonight. I didn't know it, but he'd fallen asleep. He hadn't had any sleep in around 30 hours, so I guess I should have anticipated it. All of a sudden, A-L, my 3 year old, came out. She had my black eyeliner drawn all around her eyes like a racoon. I got upset with her; she's drawn all over furniture with my make-up before and we'd made it clean that she was not to mess with mama's makeup. I led her into the bathroom to wash her face.

As we walked into the bathroom, I saw it. Blonde wisps of hair. From one end of the bathroom to the other. I looked at her again, looking past the eyeliner. Her beautiful bangs were gone! The hair on the side of her face was much shorter and jagged. One spot in the back is cut within an inch of her scalp. After I finished crying, I got her out of her room and talked to her. We managed to make a bob, but I'm taking her to the salon tomorrow to ask them what they can do to make it look best both now, and as it grows out.

This is the sixth or seventh time that she's cut her hair. We hide scissors, put them up high. It never fails, she will find a way to get them. I get so, so frustrated with her. I mean, she knows what she should do, why is it so hard for her to do it???

Then, it hit me. I am JUST like her. I am, as a daughter of the King, just like a defiant three year old! God gives me the 'rules', he loves me and has given me the tools I need to obey him. Yet, though I know I shouldn't do something, I still do it. Every time I curse, every time I get frustrated and yell at my toddler or snap at my husband or parents, I'm just like a three year old cutting her hair when mama has told her not to.

And just like I still love my daughter and will continue to try and guide her towards appropriate behavior, God will do the same for me. He will always love me, He will always give me the tools I need to live in a way that is pleasing to Him, and He will always forgive me my mistakes. So, even now, when I'm at a point where I feel so disconnected from Him and am struggling to find my way back to a place where I feel filled with His grace and His presence, I am reminded that I am always loved. And He will always be waiting for me to "put the scissors down" and run back into His arms. Amazing the lessons a defiant toddler can teach us when we're willing to listen.

Speaking of...I better go find another hiding spot for the scissors. I'm thinking the top of the fridge may just work.

Massage School

2009-01-15T00:25:00.000-06:00

I LOVE massage. Everything I learn makes me love it more. I've had plenty of aquaintances tell me I am only loving it now because I get two massages a week during my class times. And yes, I guess that can be seen as a perk. But, the bigger perk? I get to GIVE two massages a week. It's so much better giving them at school than here at home. The lights are dimmed, and there is such relaxing music playing. It makes for a wonderful atmosphere for massage.

When I give a massage, I find it to be more beneficial than when I get a massage. I feel somewhat good after a massage. But, I find it hard to truly relax and focus on healing and rejuvenation when getting a massage. Like most women, especially those of us who are wives and mothers, I find it unnerving when all the focus is on ME. I'm not used to it. And without fail, a few minutes into the massage I wind up thinking about a million and one things. Grocery lists, budgets, bills, cleaning, organizing, the kids, the dogs, and so on.

But when I give a massage? Then I am in my element. I am focusing on nurturing and healing someone else. My sole purpose in that 50 minutes is to do everything I can to make that person's day better. To rejuvenate and heal their mind, body, and spirit. As a natural born nurturer, this is what I am best at. And after I'm done, I realize that in doing my best to heal THEIR mind, body, and spirit, I've received just as much as I've given. Sometimes it seems like I've received more.

I leave class feeling energized. Lighter on my feet. I feel like there is nothing that can stop me. I get to relax and work out all while helping someone else.

This is definitely what God has called me to do. I'm not sure in what capacity I'll be a massage therapist. But a massage therapist I will be.

The unchanging spouse

2009-01-12T23:41:00.000-06:00

This is something I struggle with. I have a deep-rooted desire to live a simpler life. One free of the burdens of loans and credit and the need for material things. My wonderful husband, however, doesn't necessarily have this same desire.

This issue has shown itself clearly the past couple of days. We recently got rid of our newish car and bought an old but reliable car. It needs some things done; new struts and shocks, and the passenger door has an airleak we need to fix. Everything else that's wrong with it is purely cosmetic. I call the car Ugly Betty quite affectionately. And while I hated giving up my newer prettier car, I've quickly grown to love this new-to-me car that has saved us from a large payment and costs 1/3 as much for insurance. Pretty close to the same gas mileage, too!

Now, my husband has found out about the $7,500 credit/loan you can get on your taxes this year. Basically it's a 15 year interest free loan from the government. Hubby wants to go for it and use it to buy a newer car outright. A 2003 Subaru Outback Legacy, to be exact. He's a meanie and went for MY dream car in an effort to woo me to his side. And then use the remaining loan plus our normal refund to catch up on a couple of debts and do some small projects around the house.

Good idea, in theory, I guess. An interest free loan. Essentially it would give us a car payment of $500/year. Much, much better than what we were paying of course. And the car would have all wheel drive. With the snowstorms and thundersnows we've seen this year including more ice and the roads crews having less-than-stellar response time, this is a huge plus.

I'm just not sold. There will be more to pay for insurance since with such a nice car we'd definitely carry full coverage versus the liability we have now (no point in that when your deductible costs more than your car!). Plus there's the increased expense if something were to go wrong with the car. With Ugly Betty, we can find any part we'd need at our local junkyard. With newer cars this isn't true. Especially with Subarus, whose parts are not that easy to find in the first place. Hubby works at an auto parts store, he himself has used this against me in the past as a reason to NOT get a Subaru.

I feel the best option is to take whatever our refund would be without this $7,500 "credit" and be happy. Use it to pay our two largest, most essential bills off. Then live for a while with no monthly loan payments except our mortgage for a while. Use that time to build a savings. I figure Ugly Betty has a good two to five years left in her if we take good care of her. By that time, we'll have enough of a savings built up that we can easily pay for a car in cash. I'm tired of owing someone money. Even if that someone is charging no interest and is, essentially, the faceless entity known as the IRS. I mean why would you willingly be indebted to the IRS of all people???

Sometimes, I feel my desire for simplicity is something I'm left to deal with alone. At least in our family. I am fighting a losing battle in this house trying to get us away from consumerism. I can't even get us to go a week without eating out! How am I supposed to convince him that doing less, having less, and spending less are good things when I can't even convince him to wait until we get home to eat? Then, I realize that I am not him. I can do these things even without his support. So, we have a big ugly black box on our wall. It doesn't mean I have to turn it on. In fact, sometimes I forget its anything more than a big, black hole in the wall. So he eats out all the time. It doesn't mean I have to order something for myself. I can simply show him by example the life I want to lead.

But I am clueless on how to do this with this car situation. I can't show by example, because while it would be my car (as Ugly Betty is mine), it is our money. I can't completely veto his idea, that's not how our relationship works and I don't think its fair. But how do we compromise when the things we want are on totally different ends of the spectrum?

Mama time and Choosing Simplicity

2009-01-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

Tonight I went out with a friend. It was the first time in around a year or two that this friend and I had been out without kids or significant others. We saw 'Bride Wars' and went to have nachos at our favorite Mexican place. I've generally felt guilty in the past when I leave the kids to go out somewhere. Not tonight. Just hanging out with a friend, talking about our lives and remembering old stories was revitalizing to my spirit. I feel better now for having gone out tonight. And that translates into being a better mom for my kids.

In an effort to simplify our lives we got rid of our newer car and its several hundred dollar a month payment yesterday. We took less than two months of payments and bought a 13 year old junker. Not really a junker. It's an older sedan with 226k miles, though, so it has some issues. And cosmetically, the outside is a wreck with it's peeling paint and rust. But it's a sound car, and the work that needs done is stuff DH can easily do. And he can do it cheap since his part-time job is at a parts store and he gets a discount. It'll do for a couple years until we can buy a van with cash. While I'm not exactly happy about the change (I absolutely adored my car), the relief of knowing that we owe nothing on a vehicle is very liberating. I hate feeling enslaved to a vehicle payment.

To me, this choice was a perfect example of choosing simplicity. People ask me often what I mean when I say we are choosing a simple life. Living free from a car payment is one way of choosing a simpler life. Its one less bill to worry about paying, one less burden to carry financially. Choosing to live without cable TV is another way. By giving up cable, we've chosen to be more in the moment when we're spending time together. We play games with the kids, go for walks, take them to the zoo or to Bass Pro Shops (my girls love that store!), read books together, or do crafts with them. These are all ways to have fun together that involve actively engaging one another rather than being passively entertained in the same space. It also creates a simpler life because we don't always have the TV on for 'background noise'. This has made the house much more peaceful, which to me is a congruent with a simple life. It frees up time for us to do things like baking our own bread or crocheting or building furniture. It's all about small choices that are making a big impact in our lives. Things that help us be more in the moment, at peace with the world around us, and active participants in our environment.

Welcome!

2009-01-09T02:19:00.001-06:00

I'm up late, which happens often in this house. Everyone else is asleep, I can even hear the dogs snoring away in the kitchen. Like usual, I find my mind racing with thoughts. I wish I weren't tired and unable to sleep. If I were more awake I could use these late nights to focus on spending time in prayer and devotion. I'm afraid if I tried to do such things now I'd fall asleep in the middle of it and wind up filled with frustration rather than faith.

Tonight the thoughts are all about decluttering and simplifying our home. We simply have way too many things. Especially toys. How many toys do two little girls really need? We have a large Little Tykes vanity that gets played with rarely. The only part about it that gets acknowledged is the mirror. So why do I keep this big, honking thing in the corner of the toyroom when I can just hang a mirror on the wall and have the same effect?

The only large toys I want to keep are the Train/Lego table and accessories, and an easel. Oh, and their table/chair set, but that's not really a toy as much as it is a work surface. Then some playsilks, their dolls (each has one cloth one and one "regular" one), wooden dollhouse and accessories, and stuffed animals. Oh, the stuffed animals. Most of my old Beanie Baby collection, and some others that have been added to the mix. I'd get rid of those, but they LOVE them. I've greatly reduced their numbers, however, to about 10% of what it once was.

A place for everything, and everything in it's place. That's the goal for 2009, folks.